Q: Can you please make a public service announcement that unsolicited dick picks and male selfies are NOT appreciated by any woman? My boyfriend constantly sends me photos of him smiling on a beach where I have to reconsider why I'm with him. How do tell him to please stop reminding me that he's too skinny?
A: Chicks don’t want us to send them dick pics? Color me SHOCKED.
Look, I get it. As irresistible as it must be for chicks to have a throbbing cock obliterating their tampon tunnel, I know it’s not a beautiful body part. I get that. And I can understand why you wouldn’t want a photo of it. Although I know some chicks who do, so your claim saying no one wants a dick pic is a bit of a stretch. But I can see where you're coming from. With all the veins and the hair and its crooked smile, a penis is never going to win best looking in the high school yearbook. And I'm not here to defend that. I don't give a fuck if a girl doesn't want a photograph of my dick, I just want her to appreciate its purpose and inner beauty because I agree: it’s fucking loathsome otherwise.
Also, “selfies on the beach?!?” Your boyfriend sounds like he might prefer receiving dick pics over sending them. A man should never take a selfie, anywhere. Unless, of course, the text after it reads, “check out this fucking gun shot wound, babe.” Or maybe I’m the one that’s in the wrong here? Maybe dudes taking selfies has come into fashion and no one told me? I don't know. Call me old fashioned but if my massive bowel movements could photograph and send themselves to my entire contact list, I wouldn't use the camera on my iPhone for anything.
As for telling him he's too skinny, that's on you. It sounds like you love him a ton, so it shouldn't be any problem to break all this news at once.
Q: This guy I'm rooming with always steal my Cheetos when I'm not looking. It's usually just Cheetos, but it seems like every time I put something really dank in the fridge it's in his hands the second I leave. One time to test him i left some orange chicken in the fridge, left, and came back 5 minutes to see him pigging out on it with no guilt. What do I do?
A: Next time you put something in the fridge to “save for later” add your own seasoning to it. Construe that “seasoning” suggestion however you’d like – flecks of shit, semen, pubic hair, pubic lice, pubic cheese, urine, lighter fluid, laundry detergent, raw chicken juices — but make sure soon after he eats it, he realizes he’s been taught a lesson.
If that doesn’t work, take a shit in his fucking bed and be like “Oh, I’m sorry, was I not supposed to shit there? You see, I like taking shits in beds and I thought you bought this bed for me to take a shit in.” It’s essentially the same thing he’s doing to you.
Q: What's the deal with people who try to hold in their sneezes? Are they too self-conscious to sneeze in public? Is one supposed to say god bless you to these people?
A: Wait. WAIT! Have you never sneezed so violently that you not only snotted all over your upper lip but you also shot a loogie out of your mouth? It's terrifying. You're sitting there, tissue-less, gobs of boog hanging from your nose, while you try to locate the flem you just blasted onto the floor. Do it once and it'll shift your views on sneezing in public, because you never know when a sneeze is going to be that sneeze.
As far as “God bless yous” are concerned, I don’t get the whole phenomenon. Why do I have to say it or anything at all? I mean, what is a sneeze? It’s a FACE FART! And if you're sneezing with the gusto mentioned above, it's usually a messy shart. Yet, people get so worked up over them. They act amazed when someone rattles off like seven sneezes in a row. Blows their mind. But when I make an entire subway car smell like a teriyaki chicken I can't get as much as a slow clap. Fuck this world.
Q: Between you and everyone else at Brobible, who pulls the most and/or the hottest chicks? Regardless of whether you're currently in a relationship or not, answer the damn question.
A: In the three years that I’ve been writing this column, I’m surprised this hasn’t been asked before. So yeah, I literally just asked all the dudes in the office what their number is. I’m pretty sure that question doesn’t fly in the office of a normal company. Also, pretty sure yelling out “do ‘tip fucks’ count?” ordinarily doesn’t fly either. Everyone claims to be well above the national average of eight sexual partners. I believe it. That “national average” is frighteningly low. They must be including newborns in that number.
Anyway, us older guys with girlfriends, live-in girlfriends, fiancés or wives (Reggie is hitched, the poor bastard) are now living vicariously through the younger dudes we brought on this year and also one older member of the team who may have recently become a sexual sociopath. More on that as it develops.
As for the person on Team BroBible that gave it his best to get a STD (but thankfully failed), I’m the winner. I'm not going to toss my “OH MY GOD, that's disgusting, you're disgusting” number out there (a girl actually said that to me the first and last time I ever foolishly confessed my actual number to a chick), or list anyone else's because people asked me to not “slut-shame” them online, but yep, I’m disgusting and by quite a disgustingly large margin, too.
Q: Your friends set you up on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. To your horror, the chick looks like a cross between Whoopi Goldbreg and Quagmire. As a self-respecting bro and “Family Guy” fan, you know you have to bail out of there. Which option would be the correct one to end the date? A- Order multiple bean burritos and fart loudly at least 20 times. B- Ask her if she was aware that Halloween is still a few months away. C- Tell her that you would rather fuck a horny zombie in a toxic waste dump. D- Advise her that your last nine blind dates, all ended in violent deaths.
A: Are these my only options? I can't say, “Look, Quagmire, you're a real sweet gal, but clearly, CLEARLY this isn't going to work” as I peel off and toss her a ripe $20 bill so she can feed her sorrows away?
That seems far more humane than humiliating her, no?
Fuck it. I'll take the bean burrito express to fart town — maybe even waft a few into her mouth “what's it taste like, Glen?” Although it may be difficult to do since I don't know of any “fancy” restaurants that have shit wraps on the menu.
Q: Is it a bro move to use a vibrator on your girlfriend during sex to help her orgasm? What about handcuffs?
A: If you want to jackrabbit your girl’s vagina, or cuff her to the bed, or milk her tits like a goddamn dairy farmer, all you need is her blessing, not the worlds.