It's been a while and I've received a ton of questions. Many of the questions were redundant, things I've covered in this column ad nausem -- trouble getting laid, approaching girls, and leaving the friend zone -- so look back before you send a question in, but keep sending them. Literally ask me anything, like why Melo's wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. Anyway, here are a few of the best questions I got in the last three weeks. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: So, I have been having a dilemma fellow bros. For years, I have been lighting up the toilet in my house with big shits after smashing wings and other shit. So, I was sitting the other day in my house taking a shit enjoying my Christmas Break. This situation crossed my mind and I have no idea how I would react. Situation: At your girlfriend's parent's house for dinner ( fuck that ) and you have to shit. You unleash that beast. Problem: NO TP. So, what the fuck do you do? You already are taking a shit stinking up the bathroom during dinner. No tissues in the bathroom. What's your move? Hand towel? Hand? No wipe (suicide shit)? Enlighten me you dirty fuck. What do you think JCamm?
A: I can believe I'm going to answer this question, but I can't believe the story I'm going to share with it. More on that living nightmare in a minute.
If you're at your Bro's house and you, for whatever reason, can't yell "Hey Jeff, need some asshole stationary in here, brotha" this is a no brainer: you wipe your asshole with anything -- and I mean ANYTHING -- in sight. Towels, bathmat, magazines, OXY pads, his fuckin' Glade Plug-in, WHATEVER. Just make sure it's not your property and leave it in there when you're done; he's a terrible host and deserves this.
However, when you're at your girl’s parent's house (first few meetings) you can't pull malicious maneuvers like that. You have to wipe with your underwear or a nearby washcloth and dispose of them diligently. The washcloth will one day be identified, so if you go that route you need to make sure you Jimmy Hoffa that fucker. If you go for the underwear method, tossing them out the window works great, but make sure nothing is going on below. Could you imagine if you flung your shit rag out the window and it landed on the grill mid- barbecue?
Another way to rid your life of them an not have to go dig them out of a bush later is to rip them apart before you wipe and flush little bits of them at a time. The odds someone is outside the door counting your numerous flushes is slim. Plus, you may not need to use your entire pair of underwear, which leaves you with less to flush/hide.
Lastly, always wipe. Now is not the time to be a hero. Taking a wipe-less shit when you need to is about as common as throwing a perfect game in the World Series. The stage is too big, it'll never happen, so just go for the win. Not wiping is will leave you bound for an itchy asshole, tainted clothes, and hours of subsequent regret.
I know from recent experience.
Since I've already told the brief, yet harrowing, story of my first and last time trusting a fart earlier today, I may as well just throw it all out there. A few months ago, I either forget to wipe or I anally sept. (Seaped? Sepped? Eh, you get the point -- I had some leakage.) I honestly don't know which it was, but it was life-changing once I realized what had happened. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize it till I got on the subway and my asshole suddenly got cat scratch fever. There was nothing I could do aside from pray that the issue in my pants wasn't trying to exit.
I felt so cold and alone. Helpless, really.
September 26, 2012. Never forget... Always wipe.
Q: So on New Years I went to a party instead of going to the bars with the rest of my friends. At this party was my bro George, and this girl who George has wanted to get with for a little bit of time now. The problem is George has no game and the girl flat out told him "I'm never going to hook up with you or be anything more than your friend." Well I took that as her being fair game, so I took her home that night. The next day I got an angry call from my friend because he saw us leave together, but there was never any chance of him getting with her anyway so it's not like I stole her, or they would have had a remote chance of hooking up if I never brought her back with me. Is George being unreasonable or was that a dick move of me?
A: What it is is a combination of both. Was she yours for the taking? Yes, she had no interest in George, which would make him completely unreasonable if all he wanted to do was fuck her senseless. But it would seem he didn't; he actually liked her, you knew it, and yet, you went ahead and took her home anyway, you capitalizing son of a bitch.
Can't fault you for getting while the getting is good-- that's the American dream -- but maybe next time you'll wait till Georgey Boy's heart mends a little more before you parade your dick through the girl he likes? Just a suggestion.
Q: Recently, my girlfriend has made more than a couple comments on things she sees in the real world that look like penises to her. Off the top of my head, she's forged a connection while looking at a New York City subway map, a particularly underdeveloped carrot, and the Houston Rockets logo. None of these things look like male genitals to me at all. Like, seriously, what the fuck? My concern is twofold. Is it possible that she sees MY penis as a bizarre-shaped thing? Is it possible that she's accepted odd-shaped penises in the past and my normal-looking dick is strange in comparison? Is this something I should bring up or should I shut my mouth while she continues to play Where's Waldo's Cock out loud on a daily basis?
A: In her partial defense, New York City does look phallus-y. Being saying it for years. Not on record, because that's gay, but it definitely has dick-like features. Just look.
The Bronx represents the balls and Manhattan is the shaft. It’s a little bendy and the recipient of a terrible circumcision, but it’s cockish, for sure. Anyone saying otherwise is a prude. THERE'S DICK IN THAT THERE ISLAND!
I think this just means she has A) a sick mind and B) a deep appreciation for cock. I doubt when she looks at your dick she's thinking about the NYC subway map, but when she's looking at that map, or a rocket, or an infants balled up fist...you can bet the farm you don't own that she's thinking about your dick. There are worse problems in the world to have, my friend.
Q: How can you know if a girl has an STD? Obviously you aren't just going to ask "Hey how clean are you?" You can never be too safe.
A: Truth is, seldom do we know what we're actually getting ourselves into. You'd like to think she'd pump the brakes if she's having an outbreak, debrief you on what she has, or at the very least insist you wear a condom. But you really never know. She could think she's completely clean, you can be on one of your "I'm so drunk eating this chick's box for 12 days straight seems like a good idea" kicks and three months later you find out you've got HPV induced throat cancer. AWESOME!
Q: I've been watching this new show on MTV called Catfish and I believe that a friend of mine is getting smoked by a fake profile as we speak. Here is the deal: he met a girl on "Plenty of Fish" and they've been talking on the phone, texting, and sending pics back and forth for well over a month now. She lives in South Carolina and is supposed to be moving to New Jersey where we live. They have never met and I think it's because she's a 300lb Quasimodo look alike and here is why: she was supposed to move to Jerz a few weeks ago and it got pushed back because "her boss asked her to stay another week." They then tried to Skype but "her work computers video capabilities were down." It just so happens that I have a friend who works at the apartment complex she was supposedly moving into. I had him run the name and nothing came up. When my friend brought this up she said that a friend of hers offered up a place to stay and that it was more cost efficient. They were then supposed to go to NY together and my buddy called the hotel after she said she booked her room and there was no reservation. Her excuse for this was that she was planning something "special" and that it was going to be "a surprise." Apparently that surprise was the death of her grandmother, further pushing back her move. Most recently her mother needs surgery so she is sticking behind for that. To top it all off she doesn't have any social media to put the picture in Google images, she has de-activated her plenty of fish account, and my friend won't let me get any of the pictures because they are all slutty ones she's sent. The phone conversations are endless and he leaves parties to call her from home. He feels like he is in so deep that he may as well wait it out to see if she moves here. How do I let him know that he is getting played?
A: Have you tried hitting him over the face with a fucking bat to knock him out of the idiotic trance this conniving twat has him in?
Obviously this chick is a fat troll and afraid to show her REAL face (or name) because she isn't the babe her profile makes her out to be. Why else would there be no trace of her anywhere on the Internet and every plan they make opportunely fall apart at the last minute?
Your boy is being played.
You can find anyone online these days, unless they don’t exist. No one can hide from Google and no one’s life is that conveniently shitty. And if it actually is that awful, why would your friend want to stick around?
I'm not going to say it's your job to help him, because fuck this kid, he's clearly working with a batch of muddled shit for a brain, but he's not in too deep. Unless you just bought a ring or signed a new lease you're NEVER in too deep. Even then, there are ways out. But you can't help those who don't want to be helped.
So what have we learned?
1. This girl isn't who she says she is and the real her probably looks like she should work the graveyard shift in a bell tower.
2. Your friend, without question, is a goddamn invalid.
3. If this phantom girl ever does come to town, you should do yourself a favor and not be around. No need for you to get hacked to pieces because your buddy saw a hot girl's photo online and his dick won't go soft until he sees her.
4. You should create a fake profile online, get a girl you know to help, and fuck with him some more.