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My Girlfriend’s Friends Suck, What Do I Do?

By / 07.23.14

bitchy

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Q: Here’s the deal. I’ve been dating this girl for a bit less than two years now. We get along really well and we’re even talking about marriage in the long run. Everything is great except for one thing…I don’t get along with her friends. She wants me to go out with them and all they talk about is The Real Housewives and other shows I’ve never heard of. When I try to switch the subject it always go back to The Real Housewives. I find it extremely rude and I just end up giving up most of the time and just remain silent for the rest of the night. When I’m finally alone with my girlfriend again, she gets mad at me for “not trying hard enough.” What can I do? I really like her and I really get along with her family, but not with her friends…

A: The clique- or biddies, or bitches, as the bitches call them- unfortunately play a relatively significant role in the longevity of your relationship. It’s just unavoidable. If you’re “the asshole boyfriend”, you’re fucked. Like, picture being stuck in the dessert with a small water ration. Now picture yourself in the same situation, but hungover without a fucking sip of water. That’s you buddy. Not a damn mirage in sight. Unless of course, you make a rapid adjustment to your thinking and attitude and just suck it the fuck up. Hate the friends? Fake it.

If they sense any characteristics that could be potentially detrimental to their friends’ happiness, they’re gonna start talking about it. After that, they’re gonna start telling her about it. While she may reject all these negative notions at first, somewhere way deep down, in between her heart and her girl power valve, a dark seed is going to get planted. Eventually it will start to bother her and she’ll want to get rid of it.

Sadly for you, if you don’t make this crucial (albeit painful switch), she’s gonna get rid of you. I fucking hate all things housewives and reality television and all other genres of mind-melting bullshit. More than this, I hate the basic bitches who watch and then discuss these garbage programs.

Alas, as they say, fake it til’ you make it.

Q: I’m a grad student who is handsome but oblivious to women’s signals.  In one of my classes I have group work with a Hot Chick. We sit next to each other in a computer room and she is constantly swiveling in her chair, sometimes ends up kicking me accidentally. She also plays with her hair a lot and when we need to share a computer screen, she gets very close to me.  Are these signs that she is interested or am I nuts?

A: Strong sense of self-awareness, weak sense of chick skills. Got it. I don’t think you’re nuts for wondering about the signals Hot Chick is giving off, but we’re gonna need a little more evidence to draw any formal conclusions.

Time to cast out the reel and see what hooks on the end of that line. Start with some casual, harmless conversation starters. Just being friendly, since you work in such close quarters and all. What she’s working on, what other professors she has, what she’s getting her degree in, what year she’s in…you know. Harmless shit. A couple of joking jabs at your mutual professor couldn’t hurt. If she’s responsive, keep it up. Maintain the regular convo, staying cognizant of her shutting off or seeming annoyed. What’s ideal is that she starts up the conversations herself.

If all signals seem like a go, that’s when we can transition into the good stuff. Where she likes to go out, weekend plans, maybe she wants to grab a post study sesh coffee?

Might as fucking well try.

Q: What should I say to get laid on tinder without sounding like a creep?

A: You guys are still asking questions about Tinder, huh? As I’ve mentioned before, Tinder is, in its most basic, natural state, creepy. So getting past that barrier is dicey, if not impossible.

That’s the beauty of it, I think, is that everyone involved has submitted themselves to full public acknowledgement of their shallow, perverse inclinations. You gotta appreciate the honesty, at least (or is it laziness? Hard to say). Anyways, I wouldn’t worry about being “uncreepy”- I’d focus on ways to be less creepy than the last guy to contact her. Realistically, that’s probably not that hard.

But judging from the blunt manner in which you phrased some question, it might take some effort on your part, AKA, asking for sex after asking her where she’s from. Patience, my friend, is key. Play it cool. If you try to have dinner or sex with her within an hour of your “match”, she’s probably gonna shut down. If the chatting goes well after a couple of exchanges, go for a spontaneous thing — “Wanna grab coffee down the street?” “What’re you doing for dinner?” Something that makes it seem like you haven’t been carefully plotting her murder for the past week.

And as always…wear a rubber, ya dirty dawg.

Q: My girlfriend has a shopping problem. I know a lot of girls do but this is genuinely an issue that is becoming a problem in our relationship. She spends money on things she doesn’t have the money for and is taking over the closet in our tiny apartment…How do I get her to reel it in?

A: Shopoholic in the big city? Sounds like, Sooo Sex and the City. I take it you’re Miranda (if you don’t follow the reference look it up you uneducated motherfucker).

As an employee/slave to the fashion industry I can sympathize with that one handbag a girl might HAVE to have. It’s in our DNA. It pulses through our veins. I don’t blame us, it’s just genetics. That said, I am conscious of what it means to generally have a budget and therefore not spend my rent money on a pair of shoes.

For sake of your argument, the biggest factor here is who’s dime she’s on. That alone could stand in the way of this intervention. If she still totes around with daddy’s Amex, well, there’s not a whole hell of a lot you can besides a little encouragement and, fuck it- a little mooching too. Might as well reap the benefits.

If, however, you guys are sharing a bank account and/or closet, there’s officially cause for addressing the issue. Get this bitch a Mint.com account. Nothing hits me harder than a robot scolding me for exceeding my budget on “bars and alcohol”. Tell me something I DON’T fucking know, Mint. Set an example by showing her how you budget. Don’t be too accusatory or harsh, but do make it clear you think a change needs to happen.

If you don’t see a decline in the number of online shopping packages that arrive at your door- or if she just loses it on you and proceeds to go on a shopping bender- you might have to let go of this one, or perform a straight up intervention.

Unless you want to incur her shopping debt as your own years down the road when you’re married…you better get it under control or cut the cord.

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