Hi there. So it’s been awhile. But I have a newfangled plan for this here column that I think might work. I am going to try to post one question every few days rather than try and shit out 1500 words once a week. Sounds jazzy, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does. Let’s go. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: My boyfriend went to a strip club and brought a dance, would you consider this cheating? Why buy one when he could get it for free, by someone who loves him and knows how to drive him lust crazy?
A: It’s obviously not cheating. Unlike the rub n’ tug question in the last mailbag, I am firm on this. It’s not cheating even if he pre-cums a massive circle into his khakis. In fact, it’s NEVER cheating, unless the stripper is his ex-girlfriend.
I have to be honest, I know saying, “I LOVE STRIP CLUBS” probably gives me more cred than I even know what to do with, but I don’t. I don’t even like them. And I REALLY don’t want to get lap dances in when I’m at one. It’s awkward and it’s a huge waste of money. But even I cave sometimes. Out of the kindness of my own heart, I cave and help fund a Stripper’s education every once in a while. So what you call cheating, I call philanthropy.
Q: So I have a girlfriend and we are in a serious relationship going 3 years strong. Sex is amazing and she still turns me on no problem. But lately I’ve been tempted to go around raiding hot girl’s hampers for fresh soiled panties. We were at her friend’s place one night helping her set up a new washer and dryer. One of her dirty thongs was laying on the floor next to her hamper and I got a very strong urge to steal and sniff them. I’ve had plenty of opportunities followed by strong urges but I’ve been able to stop myself. What should I do? Is this normal?
A: Welcome to the rest of your life, Bro. This is a glimpse into your future as a married man. One woman. One sex partner. One specific underwear stank. One long-ass forever.
Yes, it’s normal to have urges. You’re a man, goddammit. You wake up every morning with a flagrantly hard boner that’s dying to be fucked soft. Your pores are spewing carnal desires. You cannot help this.
It sucks that you — nay, WE — have to constantly feel this way, but what sucks more is spending the rest of your life regretting that you threw away a girl you really loved to chase second rate vaginas attached to garbage-dump personalities. Random, previously undiscovered pussy is a great thing, perhaps the greatest of things when you’re young, but the hot pursuit of it and the single life gets old. QUICK. Figure out if that’s what you want before you take your current relationship out back and put a bullet in its head. (That’s a figure of speech, don’t go shooting bullets at anyone)
Q: This is the scenario. You have Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara and Cameron Diaz; totally naked and hot for you. They are so horny, you can smell their collective cunt juice. They are in a room with glass walls and a locked door. Standing between you and the room, is an Olympic size pool (50 metres long). The key that unlocks the door is at the bottom of pool, right smack in the middle. All you need to do is dive into the pool and retrieve the key. You too are naked, so it sounds pretty simple. I almost forgot. The pool does not have any water in it. Instead, it’s full of horse shit, donkey diarrhea, beaver vomit, spoiled sushi and a decomposing elephant corpse. So J. Camm, would you do it and score one for the bro history books? Or would you just pussy out and pass up on the fuck of a lifetime?
A: Like the great Andy Dufresne, I will make that arduous journey through the hellacious mixture of liquid shit and other rancid things.
I will hit the bottom of that nightmare.
I will grab that key.
I will come out clean on the other side.
I will unlock and open that door.
I will look at four chicks before me.
I will say to myself, “you’re a stallion, but four chicks at once is even one too many for the likes of you.”
I will ask Cameron Diaz, who was unable to hear my inner monologue, to take my hand.
I will then heave Cameron Diaz into the pool of shit and shame.
I will close the door behind me.
I will lock that door for good measure.
I will fuck.
I will fuck.
I will fuck.
For three (maybe four) beautiful minutes… I will fuck.
Q: Sup bro. I’ve been dealing with a major problem in my life that I can’t seem to fix: I have ZERO Confidence.
It all started when I was young. My mother cussed me out all the time and sheltered the life out of me. I didn’t even drink my first beer ’till college. Because of how pathetic my life was, I couldn’t focus on school work. I also couldn’t focus on working out. I really just didn’t give two shits about anything, really, except the friends I did have… I gave too many shits about them.
When you’d give everything for your friends, that’s a major, major problem. It means you’d rather stuff your nose in someone else’s ass than your own, and girls hate that. So do employers, friends, and everyone else. I need to learn to bend down and kiss my own ass for once, ya’know?
Now, I’m a slacker in college, scrawny as a twig, and am only happy when I’m high on something (weed disagrees with me btw). But most importantly, I have no game. I have no game because I have no confidence, and I’ll shoot myself in the foot because I suddenly think “I don’t deserve her,” or “this is too much effort.”
Rather than prescribing me a strong dosage of Vagisil, can you give me some tips on how to boost my ego, have faith in myself, walk on water, and lie my way into a Sorority Five-Way? The vagisil only makes me bleed once a month and crave finger-foods…
A: You’ve got two problems here. Well…three if you count your grossly incorrect assumption as to what Vagisil actually is and does, but I’ll let you conduct your own research on that. Because teach a man to fish and shit, ya heard?
You seem to have a firm grasp on the issues you have with yourself. What I’m trying to figure out is why you’re stuck at just knowing. Why can’t you get over the, “well, this is me, this is always who I’ll be” hurdle? Also, why can’t you stop FOMO-ing about your friends so hard?
It all can change, though. You just need to want it to happen. You don’t need to “stuff your nose in someone else’s ass” (tremendous choice of words, by the way). Force yourself to take a few nights off. Unless you’re getting laid every night (sounds like you’re not) you can probably stand to stay home a few nights a week.
What it comes down to is: you’re really the only one who can help yourself in the “fix me” department. You know what needs fixin’. You know what you need to do to slack off less and learn to give a shit about yourself. So start doing it.
Once that happens and you take control of your life, maybe then you’ll solve your confidence problem. But that doesn’t mean still you won’t pre-maturely ejaculate from time to time — confident or not, you’re only human for Christ’s sake.
I want more like this!
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