Life
by Fitz E Fresh on March 27, 2013

Q: My girlfriend of six years doesn't like having sex as much as we used to. She says its because it hurts her down there but I think there is something else to it. She goes to school an hour away from me so we get to see each other every weekend or two, but we're only having sex 2 or 3 times a month. She says that she's fine with it but I am definitely not. How do I get her to want to have sex more often or is this the beginning of the end for us?

 

A: Sounds like your lady is settling into the married life a little preemptively. After six years I can understand how the lust flame might be burning the midnight oil. You're young, and sex with the same person gets boring. It happens. That said, you're seeing each other pretty infrequently to be having such a severe problem. And moreover, sudden chronic vagina pains that makes a girl not want to fuck you just sounds…fake. And if its actually real, she should be seeking medical consult for the issue rather than leaving you perpetually blue-balled.

And finally, she shouldn't just “be fine with it”. What you need is a good old-fashioned sex talk. The birds and the bees. The nitty gritty. If it continues to go unaddressed, imagine what your sex life will look like in another six years. Can't picture it? Let me paint it for you– non, fucking, existent.

Pun obviously intended. So sit her down and get to the bottom of the issue. If you're not happy with the results, some changes may have to be instituted.

You have to respect her wants, needs, vagina issues etc. But a relationship is a two-way street and homie, you're driving on a one-way highway to pussy-free city. And I know that's not where you're trying to end up.

 

Q: So I just started dating a gorgeous female (little over a month in) and I'm wondering how soon is too soon to suggest she shaves? And how do I go about this? Honestly, its not that big of a deal (she does trim it up) but after being with girls that have been shaved, it would be preferred.

A: I get where you're coming from breau. I for one have zero interest in going down on some unshaved girl. Well, really I have zero interest in going down on any girl. But if I did, I definitely wouldn't want any form of bush on my tongue.

Excuse the pause while I brush my teeth…twice, for good measure.

So; despite our shared disinterest in hairy vaginas…as far as shaving advisories go, I think they just sort of don't. It is my assumption that if a girl has encountered the shaved vaginas of pop culture, porn and waxing salons, yet still chooses to maintain her fur, she's doing it with purpose. And that trying to persuade her to do otherwise would probably not work out in your favor. If its not that big of a deal, then you might should just deal with it. Sort of gross, I know.

On the off-chance that she trims closer to the roots that unusual, make sure to shower her with praises of sexiness and her vagina with lots, and lots, of oral attention. That'll send the message across in a more productive and less risky manner.

Q: Recently I have been unable to get off while fucking my girlfriend. Out of the last 10 times I may have cum twice. She has gained some weight and I'm not as attracted to her as I was when I first met her. Time to place her on waivers? We've been together for 2 years and I find myself trying to get some strange on the side…

A: When you say waivers, I assume you're referring to putting your girlfriend up for a trade. Like an injured running back in your fantasy league. Interesting parallel.

Except instead of an injury, your poor girlfriend's handicap is a couple of extra pizza-induced pounds. If that's the case, you sir, clearly do not give a fuck about your girlfriend. In fact you sound like the guy who shouldn't have a girlfriend at all, because the shit below the surface is totally insignificant to you. Gaining some weight does not fucking warrant getting some strange on the side, jackass.

If the relationship has run it's course then end it; but have a legitimate reason for doing so. But until you muster the courage to quit being a weenie and end things with your partner, you need to stop motorboating skinny girls behind her back.

Q: My neighbor in my dorm is a chill girl and we get along really well. I'm fine with being her friend and all, but she'll tell me things about random dudes she's hooked up with and the shit she deals with to just normal things. But then she'll go on saying like she wants to sleep with me, boyfriend stuff, hang out a lot, go on dates etc. I'm fine with it, but I feel like she's crossing the friend zone/dating boundry. Should I let this play out or is this a lost cause even attempting to push it?

A: Sure, you can play it out. But know that when you do, you're playing on entirely unequal ground. You, silly young breau, are now playing in what the big leaguers call, “The Friend Zone”. Welcome; stay awhile. Because you don't fucking have any other choice. No matter how many times I break down your breaus respective FZ happenstances, you still can't diagnose your own– so let me spell it out for you.

This girl is confiding in you because she has officially slated you as a safe, non-threatening, and that's right– non-sexual companion.

The girlfriend chit chat is total bullshit; it's a means for keeping your loyal ass hanging around and re-securing her safety net. You might achieve one make out in a weak and drunken moment but when it comes down to it, you're not getting any more. Look on the bright side though – you're in college, and the biddies are bountiful.

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[Uninterested broad image via ShutterStock]