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20 Ways to Know Your Girlfriend Is a Basic Bitch

By / 04.17.14

you-basic

Basic Bitch, so hot right now. I’ll admit, I never heard the term until a few days ago. I blame myself mostly. From what I understand, the term dates all the way back to 2010 when a rapper named Lil Duval made a song about what it means to be a “Basic Bitch.” I haven’t listened to rap since Coolio died, so I completely missed the Lil Duval train, or I would have been on this shit years ago. (Just kidding about Coolio by the way. Sorry if I made you Google it.)

Anyway, “basic bitch” has now fully integrated itself into the world of blogging and white people, so now I can finally try to understand what it means.

My first introduction to the term came in the form of this article from NY Magazine, in which they chronicle the origin of the term and how it’s transformed over the years. It helped me understand the general concept of the Basic Bitch, but I still wasn’t satisfied. So I asked a couple of my female friends what they thought it meant to be a Basic Bitch. Here’s what they said:

“Oh my god….Well first off I hate it. At first I thought it was funny that people were calling girls “basic,” because it’s super harsh and also it’s always kind of funny when white people say things they hear in rap songs. But now I’m so sick of it, and “basic bitch” basically (puns) means nothing and is not funny anymore because it’s so overused. If you’re asking me to define it, I guess to me a basic bitch is a girl with no original thoughts or quirks. A basic bitch is a girl who uses the term “basic bitch” because it’s “in.” She could be the girl who tries way too hard to be trendy. Like the girl I saw this weekend all decked out in her Coachella outfit… except Coachella is not in NYC.”

“Bitches that wear Michael Kors purses, fake leather coats, that don’t take risks, can’t dance, and still talk mad shit about other girls in their mid 20s. Also prudes… also bitches who aren’t feminists and care way too much what guys think about them.”

OK, so for those of you scoring at home, a Basic Bitch is a girl who dresses in a Coachella outfit despite not being at Coachella, only she puts a fake leather jacket over the outfit, sways off beat to music, refuses the advances of every guy that approaches her, and talks shit about every other girl that walks by. Seems simple enough, right?

Both of my friends seem to think that being a Basic Bitch is a bad thing. So I thought it was a bad thing too. But then I saw this hilarious video from College Humor in which they parody what it means to be a Basic Bitch, and decided that this was my favorite interpretation of the term, and not just because David Puddy is Jesus. “Basic Bitch” can simply mean just another term (albeit a profane one) for a “typical” girl.

And there’s nothing wrong with typical girls. In my opinion, a girl should be OK with being a Basic Bitch. Some Basic Bitches look fantastic in their sexy nurse Halloween costumes. The Real Housewives of New Jersey is a wildly entertaining television program. A lot of our moms are Basic Bitches. I’d take a Basic Bitch over a Crazy Bitch or a Bad Bitch any day of the week, because at least with a Basic Bitch I know what to expect. And because it’s OK to be a Basic Bitch, it’s also OK to make fun of what it means to be one.

So, using Basic Bitch interchangeably with “typical girl,” I came up with a quick list of 20 ways you know you are dating/dealing with/actually are a Basic Bitch. If any of these should happen to describe you—or if you’re a dude or lesbian, the person you’re dating—just remember you should be perfectly fine with it.

- Has she ever Instagrammed a picture of her boyfriend sleeping next to her dog with the caption, “My favorite men #lucky”

- Does she Instagram a picture of her standing in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center every… single… year?

– When on vacation, does she post a point-of-view picture looking out into the ocean, with a fruity umbrella drink on her right and the caption, “not a bad (insert whatever weekday it is here)”? And does her bestie comment, “OMG, so jeal” on said picture?

beach-life

– Does she plan her entire Fall around all things foliage, apple picking, and pumpkin spice?

– When she goes to the casino, does she only play roulette?

– Does she says things like “I don’t get it” and “Who is that again?” while watching a movie or TV show that isn’t really that confusing?

– Does she wear forest green Hunter boots on days with even the slightest chance of rain?

– Does she own a Keurig?

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– Does she own a pair of Tory Burch flats?

– Does she wish her best friends and her parents Happy Birthdays with a photo collage on social media?

– Does she complain that watching basketball on TV is boring because there’s a lot of timeouts, and then flips over to a reality show that has five minutes of commercials for every three minutes of programming?

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– Does she think old people are adorable?

– Does she ask “well who’s gonna be there?” before deciding whether or not to attend any form of social gathering?

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– Has she ever used a recipe for gluten-free mac & cheese she found on Pinterest?

– Has she ever tweeted “Just one of those days,” “sooo tired,” or “I HATE you Monday?”

– Has she ever referred to Derek Jeter, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling, or Channing Tatum as “my husband,” despite never having met any of these people?

– Does she prefer Wheel of Fortune over Jeopardy!?

– Has she ever said “I could LIVE on sushi”?

- Has she purchased a french bulldog within the last year?

– And finally, does she share countdown posts from popular bro-centric websites on Facebook and discuss them with all her friends? #OMGsotrue #Ican’t #Kellythisisus #BroBible #pageviews

If so? You basic.

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