Life
by J. Camm on September 11, 2012

Q: Ok so I have the opportunity to bone this chick. However, my friend told me that he knows for a fact she's into choking dudes in bed (not in a “I’m going to kill you way” just a “I’m a f*cked in the head” way). Do I do it or not? Like, usually I'd stay away but there are A LOT of benefits to doing it—I’m 18 she's 26 and she's smoking.

 

A: She has no idea that you've been made aware of her choking fetish, right? So the key is not leading on that you do and act surprised, appalled, and angered when she attempts to erotically strangle you. By then you'll likely be a few pumps deep (so you can chalk it up as a kill) and chances are she won't be so put off that she'll turn back and make you stop. It might be the only time you ever fuck her but at least you'll have fucked her. In two ways, really.

Conversely, if you yearn to be choked, gagged, bound, or have your scrotum masticated like chewing gum, forget everything I just said and follow your heart down the path of deviant sexual behavior. But be warned, even though she is not doing it in an “I'm going to kill you way,” poorly executed auto-erotic asphyxiation captured the life of Kung Fu demigod David Carradine, so imagine what one small hiccup could do to a mere mortal like you.

Q: You are walking home alone one night. All of a sudden a bright light paralyzes your body and you black out. You wake up and realize you have been abducted by aliens! One of the aliens looks like a cross between Liberace and Captain Kangaroo, but I digress. They explain to you telepathically, that you will not be harmed. However, they will make you watch “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and give you an anal probe. Being such nice aliens, they provide you with a jar of lube, a fluffy pillow to bite down on and your choice of anal probes. You can choose between: A- A short, two inch probe that is twenty inches wide. B- A long, twenty inch probe that is two inches wide. C- A probe that has the exact shape and size of the Heisman Trophy.

 

A: I guess this all depends on whether or not the Heisman trophy is authentic and if I can keep it upon completion of the probing. Since I'm being abducted by aliens in this scenario, I can only assume that I'm poorer than shit and a homemade narcotics abuser, so selling that trophy could really do wonders for my quality of life. Not to mention, it would help absorb the cost of my impending mental therapy and asshole rejuvenation surgery.

If all the above is not part of this deal then I'll take my chances with the 20-inch long probe. It may kill me since I once read about a dude dying from being sodomized by a nightstick (that's street justice!) but a 2-inch long, 20-inch wide probe would for sure snap my asshole like a dehydrated rubber band, and that strikes me as a fate worse than death.

Q: Alright so here it is. My buddies and I have been on probably a 40 day bender. It started at this country music festival we all went to in the beginning of August. Every day since has just been a party aka 5 Bros crushing Coors in their apartment. The crux of the matter is this: We're not alcoholics (cause nobody is when in college, right?). So at what point does a bender just become a lifestyle?

 

A: With no breaks or an extended period of sobriety, I'd say it became a way of life around day 20. When will it become a cause for concern? The moment fucking women is no longer your main, drunken priority. If, after that music festival, the bender has consisted solely of five dudes alone in an apartment crushing Coors for 40 days then, well, you blew past concerning about 38 days ago.

Q: I have been talking to this guy for a while and we keep talking about sex and I keep telling him that I want to officially date before we do anything like that. Well, one day we did it and he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I completely quit talking to him. A few days ago he started texting me again and I still won't talk to him and he acts like nothing is wrong. Am I being overly mean to him? Should I give him another chance?

 

A: There is a real, scientific reason as to why he is acting as though nothing is wrong: Now that you've had sex with him, he’s under the hubris-fueled impression that you can’t possibly go on living without some more of that average-sized dick he’s wielding.

But should you forgive him and offer up another chance?

Yes, you should forgive him. Unless the sex happened under false pretenses and promise of a relationship, it's 100% your fault you caved and fucked him. I'm sorry, it just is. You put those standards on yourself, he wanted to get balls deep the entire time. Can't hate the guy for doing what he set out to do.

As for a second chance, that's a toss up. He is probably still not looking for a relationship and in his mind he thinks he can get you to do the exact same thing as before (because his penis is so savage and by now you've got to be in dire need of a fix). That said, if you're willing to play on his terms and not be such a prude, you could eventually wear him down and coax him into a relationship. Although if you decide to do that route it would be wise to prepare yourself for a few months of casual sex and disappointment followed by a few more months where you feel like you spent the previous months being used. Which totally won't be the case because, like millions of other chicks in your exact situation, you'll have done it willingly, but you and I both know you'll spin it however you see fit.

Q: Alright, I'm already in my third week of college. Picking up chicks, getting their digits is an easy task. The issue is this: how the hell do you manage to bring them back to your room?

 

A: Listen carefully. Maybe even bookmark this page for future reference on the off-chance that you forget this complex and highly top-secret advice. In order to get a girl back to your room/house/apartment, YOU HAVE TO ASK HER. It's the only way I know of that won't eventually land you in prison.

Q: An old buddy of mine got a girlfriend and had her for about 4 months. I knew the girl for about 2 years before they even met. Before they started dating, me and the guy we'll call Kyle were drinking at least 5 nights a week. After they started dating he would completely ignore me anywhere we both ended up, and he told people I was a fuck, all of which was because his new lady friend doesn't like me.

Now that they have broke up, and he wants to become friends again do I act like nothing happened? One of our mutual friends says I should forget about it, while others say me telling him to fuck off is completely fair. I want nothing to do with him since he clearly chooses Hoes before his Bros and treated me like a complete second string friend.

Am I acting like a Drama Queen or am I completely in the right?

 

A: Girlfriends make guys do irrational stuff all the time (like folding our own laundry or eating women out), but this Kyle character sounds like a spineless, no dick-havin', piece of corn-infested shit. I could understand if he disappeared as your drinking buddy once he got all smitten, but why did he needlessly drag your name through the mud? Because his cunt-fart girlfriend doesn't like the cut of your jib? That gets me fired up, and not in the “McDonald's just brought back the McRib!” kind of way.

I don't consider this a “Bros before Hoes” issue because we all eventually succumb to marriage or choose Hoes but that selfish choice doesn’t mean you have to act like a 12-year old. And act like a pubeless child is exactly what this guy did. So if I were you, I'd tell him to go suck a few hundred feet of shit. Or, if you live in a rough part of town, you can keep him around in case you ever need to use him like a human shield, which is probably the reason he was put on this planet in the first place. 

Q: Would you rather be f*cked to death by 1's or raped by the ENTIRE New York Jets team, ten minutes each, with Rex Ryan finishing on your face after each player, but be granted the power to be eternal and fuck Kate Upton once a day?

 

A: What you've just described works out to be, like, SIX HOURS of steady man-on-man rape. Thanks for your generous offer but I'll take the option where I'm dropped into my own personal Bay of Pigs and fucked into a coffin by its populous of 1's.

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