I want to thank Reggie Noble for being a hero and publishing this in my absence last week. Got a few good stories on tap for today. Submit your Hook Up Heroes stories here. Let's roll.
This story takes me back to the beginning of my sophomore year. I go to a pretty big University on Long Island and play DI lacrosse, so pulling hoes isn't exactly a hard task for me. Or my Bros for that matter.
But first let me tell you, I have very low standards. Fat chicks, ugly chicks, I've done 'em all. So to my surprise, one night after crushing a few brews in the lax house with my boys, I start talking up an absolute babe. She was one f*cking hot blond piece of ass. There were about 20 people inside the house and only a few rooms but I could tell she was antsy to get out of there. So I suggest, "Why don't we head back to my place?" Suave as sh*t, right? And she can't say “yes” fast enough.
So the walk from my Bro’s house to my apartment is about a mile and there are a few shops along the way. One of which is a 24/7 deli. I'm hungry as shit at this point (it's about 1:00am) so I tell her to wait outside I'm gonna grab a sandwich. Being the gentleman that I am, I ask her if she wants anything from the deli. She thinks for a second and then responds, "Yeah, can you get a jar of peanut butter, please?" I was kind of confused but way too drunk to question her. So I say yeah sure no problem.
I didn't think anything of it at first. I thought maybe she just wants to make herself a little sandwich after I'm done taking her to PoundTown. But whatever.
So we get back to my place and hop right on the bed. I couldn't believe I was about to smash my first 10 out of 10, I was so pumped. Then as she's slowly and sexily taking off my pants, she whispers, "Put some of that peanut butter on your dick..." I thought she was kidding at first but after she was staring at me I realized it wasn't a joke. I did what any other American man would...I dunked my package straight into that jar. I wasn't sure if I should spread it or what. But I didn't have a spoon and I thought a knife would be too risky. Plus using my fingers would've gotten messy real fast. So I just dropped my nuts and dick balls deep into that Jif.
Dear God, that bitch sucked that peanut butter off my cock like she hadn't eaten in 3 months. I proceeded to bust a load in her mouth and not bother with her, although we did have some pretty fiery morning sex. That's how the lacrosse team infamously gave her the name Peanut Butter.
Say what you want about that chick but I'd eat WAY more vagina if that sh*t tasted like peanut butter.
So I am a sophomore and I am going up to PSU for the weekend to rage with my bros. It’s Thursday, and I am chilling at my boys apartment drinking some beers. My one bro, lets call him Biggie comes in and has like 6 summer session freshman girls. Well, I’m just relaxing minding my own business when he brings this girl over to me and tells her that I’m on the wrestling team. I continue on and feed her all the stuff that girls like to hear, and she is just eating it up. We make out a little bit, but nothing ridiculous. I give her my number and tell her to text me tomorrow.
Friday night rolls around, I’m out getting sh*tfaced, I get a text that says, "I want you now." I walk over to her sister’s apartment who isn’t here that weekend, and as soon as I enter the door I’m making out with this girl, who I must say was looking fantastic with her C cup tits hanging out and toned ass.
We f*ck and I blow my load all over her face. At this point, I would normally leave, but for some reason I passed out there instead. I wake out in the morning and this girl isn’t beside me, so I start getting dressed when I walk out to the kitchen to see her standing there, butt ass naked
making eggs and bacon for me. Needless to say, it was some of the best breakfast I have had, and when I finished we both took a shower and went at it for round two. I left there that afternoon with a full stomach, an empty cock, and a feeling of pride.
We've got a food theme going on today. NEXT!
It was a casual Friday night in my hometown, you know, crushing beers, smoking some cheeba and trying to text every girl in my contact list, which after a year of college is a pretty big one. I had a girlfriend at the time but we were on a bit of a break. I told her I was going out with the guys tonight but we arranged to hang out bright and early to talk and discuss our future. That is where the story ends.
Rewind a few hours and me and the boys are heading to the bar, everyone just looking to grease the closest mitt around regardless of what they looked like. I don’t know why but my friends and I would rather take a swamper home FTB rather then go home solo and hang out with righty (or lefty for all I know). I start talking to this one girl, she was about a hard 6, not going to lie. She was instantly DTF because hey, I’m a good looking dude and she is mediocre at best. I end up going home with her and smash her out. Wasn’t the best kill I’ve had but she did give some good head.
I was content with my night and decided to call a cab from the convenience store around the corner from this broad’s house. Just as I’m waiting for my cab to show up I get a call from a girl I texted while pre drinking saying she wants to hangout. No one just calls at 3am just to hang out. Being the nice guy, I say yes and she picks me up and brings me back to her place. We jump into her parents Jacuzzi and start hooking up, eventually getting to her bedroom for some great sex. There was a reason I messaged her earlier in the night.
By the time we’re through, the sun is about to rise so I set my alarm for 7a.m. because remember, I have to go see my girlfriend for breakfast. I wake up early, planning to get a shower in before I see her so I don’t smell like the two broads I was with tonight, and quite frankly, needed to clean my junk up because I’m that raw dogging son of a bitch. For some reason the hot water isn’t working and at 7am, hung over as sh*t, a cold shower was the last thing i wanted. So I head over to my girlfriends place a bit late thinking we will just go for breakfast and I can run home after and shower before we have our regular make up sex.
I WAS WRONG.
I guess her parents left early for the cottage and she was all horny because she felt bad for fighting with me and really wanted to make it up. I tried to avoid the situation but when your rocket of a girlfriend (way too good looking for the guy I am) is grabbing at your horn you cant say no.
I don’t need to go into detail but I will say she did give me head, which after banging two *cough cough* whores the night before couldn’t be good for her mouth. I don’t know how I managed to pull it off but it was a great night and morning. Three kills with three different broads all within 8 hours. Best part of the story, 3 years later they are all good friends with each other. I don't have the heart to tell them my dick was in all three that one night but now whenever I see them out together it brings back memories of that night.
This last one isn't really a tale of heroism, but rather, the exact opposite of that. Although what I think he accomplished still technically counts as having sex.
At this point in my life, I had been single for quite a few years, and been hitting and quitting chicks like it was my part time job. Basically, I hadn’t had a serious relationship in quite some time. So for some reason, I start getting some unbro like thoughts, and think I should maybe start actually giving some of these girls I meet out a fair shot, and I’m actually thinking about dating them, instead of just hitting it, and disposing of them like I had been doing.
So having these new, crazy, not-like-me thoughts, I meet this chick out, who at best is a low 7, at my neighborhood bar. Like I said, I wasn't thinking clearly so instead of bagging her the same night I met her, I decided to get her number and give her a shot at taming this man-whore beast.
I call her over on a Sunday to hang out at my bachelor pad, that at the time, I'm sharing with three other bachelors. It’s basically just a regular Sunday at our bachelor pad, with us grilling and tossing bags. Anyways when she comes over, my sober self realizes she’s not as cute, as I initially thought, and being a neighborhood girl, after the get together, I hear all the rumors about her from my roommates.
Finally, I start thinking clearly again, and due to what I hear about her, from my roommates, and the size of her nose, I decide to lay off this one. Flash ahead to next Sunday, I wake up alone, from a night of drinking and partying, and like every other Sunday, after a night of heavy drinking, I'm horny as sh*t. Naturally, I wanna take care of this midday morning wood, so I text the aforementioned chick, and ask her if she's down for a quicke. She instantly responds, saying that she is DTF. I was kind of shocked since at first I acted like dating her was a possibility, and haven't called her since the Sunday before -- she must of decided she will take whatever she can get from this Stud bro.
At this point, I'm literally ready to bust, since I contemplated for a while before actually texting her. Anyway, I'm walking around the house, holding my raging woody, anticipating her arrival. I'm starting to get frustrated wondering where she’s at, to the point I'm looking out the window every two seconds, and stroking my guy, assuring him he's about to get a treat.
Well it's taking longer then I expected, since I know she lives close by, and said she was on her way. So I text her asking her for an estimated time of arrival. She then informs me, she was at the white sox game, when I text her, and is on her way. I'm blown away that this chick would leave a baseball game right in the middle of the game, just to get a piece from a guy who hasn't called her in over a week. But at the same time, I'm a little frustrated, and starting to lose it, since I had thought by now, I would be close to busting a nut in her.
She finally arrives, at which point, I attack her like a virgin in heat, and bring her to my room. With little to no fore play, I get naked and tell her to do the same. She lies on my bed, and like a good slut assumes the position, meaning she puts her legs in the air. I grab my f*ck stick, give it one or two more strokes to make sure he's ready, and then mount her. I literally enter her fully, and then as I'm thrusting out, to start my very first pump, I start to feel my knees buckle, and realize I'm about to explode. So without even getting one full thrust in, I pull out and bust all over her stomach. At this point, I'm cool cause I figure, hey I got what I wanted and it's her fault for
taking so long. Naturally I think she was gonna be cool with it too, since she only Came to please me. BOY was I wrong, she starts calling me and I quote, " A PUNK ASS BITCH, and screaming she can't believe I called her up for that.
I try explaining myself as I walk her out. She’s finally starting to calm down, when we get to the front door. Since I got her to calm down, I thank her, and then like a true Bro I go to give her a high five. To which she looks at me completely disgusted, and starts flipping out again. So I apologize, give her a hug and send her on her way. About a month later I awake with the same feeling, and decide WTF, so I text her again, only this time I get the response back from her saying, "Ill let you know if I get a free second later". Lets just say I never hooked up with her again!
On second thought, I'm not sure if one pump should go towards his career numbers.