Life
by Cody Capers on December 3, 2012

With Her Dad

When her dad calls her she answers “Hi Daddy, I miss you.” She made this profile change as she was hungover at work on a Friday because she felt guilty for blacking out and fucking a bro she met four hours prior. She’s attempting to show this Bro she has values and validate her morals to herself through showcasing her family values via a pic with the man who raised her, Daddy dearest. 

Throwback Baby Pics

This trip down memory lane was inspired by her taking too many trips to blackout drunk binge eating town….one too many sides of ranch with those slices of 2 AM pepperoni pizza. Her old pic was past season, for example a bathing suit pic in November, she knows she needs to change it, people are bored with her current one, and her page is getting no action (unlike her scale).  Unfortunately, her winter coat she has put on makes putting up a current pic social suicide, no one likes a fatty – so she goes to a throwback. If she throwsback to a shot from her skinny days, it’s too obvious that she’s insecure about her newly acquired love handles so she goes the “I peaked at 2” route.  When you meet up with her in person there is a 95% chance she’ll be wearing leggings, boots and an oversized sweater, a.k.a. the ol’ “this over-sized sweater makes me feel so tiny” route. Shakira said it best when she stated: “underneath your clothes, there’s a endless story.” 

Side Arm Pose

Her main values in life are being tan, skinny, and popular: A motto she learned from her sorority. Her depth ends after you ask her where she is from, her thoughts are about as original as a Pinterest board: more or less re-used, re-phrased sayings that someone else thought up. She loves Ugg boots and Victoria’s Secret PINK sweats. 

Pic with Lots of Girls

The girls probably look similar, like fem-bot clones of each other: Side swoop bangs, processed blonde hair, white teeth, etc. Odds are she is the least attractive of the crew, but is trying to up her stock value by showing that she only “rolls with pretty bitches,” so that must mean she has a killer personality. “Oh yeah, I went home with this girl who had a great personality last night,” meaning you crossed chubby chasing off your bucket list. 

“Candid”

She took at least 20 pics in order to get this “candid” shot. The type of girl that lives her life through Instagram filters, doesn’t live in the moment. The amount of “likes” a pic generates validate her lifestyle choices. She is constantly on her phone, checking into places, and taking pics of booze on Sundays to show no 9-5 gets in the way of her party lifestyle. “What makes me look skinnier and tanner, Lo-Fi or Kelvin?” 

Kissy Face

Most likely done on a night where she’s wearing bright lip-stick. She is the girl who has a Pinterest account with boards titled: “One Day,” “Fashion Chic,” “Nom Nom,” etc.  

Halloween

Chances are she glued feathers and glitter on some lingerie and called herself a bird. We applaud and admire her dedication to dress slutty for one night a year and then put it on Facebook for us to enjoy. Thanks Halloween enthusiasts…. I have to wonder, are you friends with your dad on Facebook? Imagine his surprise when you prof pic goes from a pic with him to a “bird” costume.