Sometimes shit happens. We’ve all been there, naked in a bush at 3 a.m. because you were tripping balls and- wait, what? That’s not a thing? Well…the point is, everyone fucks up at some point. Are you still a douche for cheating on her? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to fix things up. You just have to go the right way about it.
1. You better hope to Jesus fuck-all that the girl was busted.
If the home wrecker you cheated on your girlfriend with is hotter than her then you’re straight up boned. Why? Because it’s going to fuck with her head. It’s not a matter of “Oh but he’s choosing me over her so it’s okay,” it’s “She’s prettier than me and I’m fatter than her and her boobs are perkier and I’m going to kill myself now kthxbiiii fuck yew.” Girls are irrational. Even though the home wrecker genuinely has a raging case of aspberger’s and is at a Pre-K reading level (Everybody Poops is her favorite novel btdubbs), the fact that she’s getting outshined in the looks department is going to tear at her insides more than anything else. It also doesn’t help that she’s going to Facebook stalk the balls outta this bitch, so even after you think the two of you are on good terms she’ll do a 180 and go right back to wishing your Mom had swallowed you in a blowjob instead.
2. All the stuff she hated about you already? Yeah, cut that shit out.
The other day my boyfriend thought it was necessary to stomp his way into my room, throw his hands in the air and declare “I AM THE KING OF MUD BUTT, HEAR ME ROAR” and then rip ass. With how wet it sounded, there is 0% chance he did not poop his pants at least a little bit. He might’ve even had rivers of shit streaming down his leg, although I can’t confirm this because he waddled out of my room cackling. The point is, despite the beautiful timing King Mud Butt had, I wouldn’t take him back if he cheated on me. Why? He’s the King of fucking Mud Butt. While that’s all good and mildly annoying right now, it’s not something I’d come running back to. Show her that you’re not the same idiot that was dumb enough to cheat on her in the first place.
3. Win her friends over.
Between not being the King of Mud Butt and making sure the girl you rammed your rod into was busted, this is obviously the harder of the three. Her friends will actively cock block you at every turn and for every stride you make towards getting her back they’ll knock you down 5 pegs. Why? Uh, because you deserve it (duh). This is how every single conversation will go, I shit you not, because I’ve been there and done it:
Her: Oh my gosh I had the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.
Them: OMG tell us tell us tell us!
Her: Well, Dickbag Supreme (this is you, FYI) took me on an all expenses trip to Hawaii!
Her: And he bought me a private plane!
Her: And he didn’t fart the entire weekend!
Them: Is that it?
Her: Um….yeah? That’s a lot! He’s trying, guys.
Them: Uh, FIRST OFF, you don’t even LIKE Hawaii, your favorite country is Ireland. Second, a plane? Really? A jet is only like $60,000 more so he obviously isn’t willing to spend the money on you. And he probably did fart, just silently and he stayed away from eggs so they didn’t smell like a sewer leak. Did he eat eggs?
Her: Come to think of it…
Them: He didn’t eat them, did he?
Her: That bastard.
Them: Right! But keep the plane because, y’know, fuck him.
How do you avoid this? Well you can buy them off, but that’ll only get them talking and you can’t be a creepy weirdo about it. You gotta be smooth or else her friends will report back how pathetic and alone you are (don’t lie). Approach them at the bar or a party with drinks in hand and start talking. The shittier ones will straight up ignore you, but that’s why you have free booze, aka every 20-something female’s kryptonite. Then you have to go on and on about how sorry you are, blah blah blah the usual, but make sure to be the sweetest, most amazing puppy monkey teacup pig hybrid of adorable you can be. Now when your ex brings you up around her friends, instead of being all “He is literally Satan” they’re like “Oh he’s not SO bad…like, he could be worse.”
4. It’s the little things that count too, you know.
I don’t know why this hasn’t caught on, but it makes girls really, really happy when guys remember the small things. Like when you’re on your way home and you stop to grab a few things at the grocery store and see that her favorite flavor of ice cream is on sale. This is the thought process I can only assume takes place.
You: Hey, that’s my girlfriend’s favorite ice cream flavor! And look, it’s on sale! Wow, I bet she’d love it if I was thoughtful and picked up a tub of it for her without being asked! Yeah, that’d be great. Now where’s that beef jerky…
And then you go on your merry way and neglect to buy her ice cream. It doesn’t matter how much it costs, it’s just heart-warming to know that your boyfriend is thinking about you even when you’re not around and knows what you like. I’m not saying to shower her in gifts, but a small thing here or there goes a really long way to showing that you still care.
5. Keep the last 4 in mind, but don’t be a tool.
Keep your head out of her ass, you don’t want to be up there in the first place and secondly, she won’t like it. If you’re riding her dick and straight-up stalking her and throwing gifts in her face at every turn, well, she’s going to blow you off. You know why? Because it’s pathetic and annoying. Yeah you fucked up, but you’re still a MAN, so act like one! Nobody wants to date a spineless noodle. You can maybe shed a tear or two when the time is right, but don’t stand outside her window getting your John Cusack on with a friggin’ stereo. Was that cute in the movie? I guess. But if you roll up to her house at 11 p.m. and start blasting music she’s more likely to tell you to shut the fuck up because the neighbors are going to get pissed. The point is, don’t be a sobbing blob on the floor. Keep your dignity intact, but make sure she knows you’re sorry.