by David Covucci on February 4, 2013

Which really isn’t how I like to fuck. And frankly, that’s bullshit. When I go out to dinner, if my partner isn’t interested in eating veal, you know what? I still order the child cow, seared to perfection. Her reticence doesn’t prevent my overall enjoyment of a meal.

But with sex, that’s not the case. All sorts of conceptions like mutual respect prevent me from dressing girls up as I please and contorting them any way I see fit.

No more. No more should any of us have to suffer through sex that is only mildly enjoyable at best. I want to get what I want, be it screwing outdoors on your patio, coming on the underside of my girlfriend’s knee or adding an inflatable, fuckable kangaroo into the equation.
And here’s how to do it.

Suggest it: When you think about it, this is obviously the logical first move, but too many guys are afraid to even mention their intimate desires. Be it shame, or fear their girl might be disgusted, too much is going unrequested in the bedroom. Remember when you made a Christmas list, and then a month later all that shit showed up under a tree? This is the same thing.

Look, we live in a world where porn predominates. Your girlfriend or fling has heard of what you want to do. She’s seen it. And you never know. It may have even piqued her interest. So bring it up. But don’t go the polite route of proposing it while sharing a sundae on Tuesday evening. Suggest it when you want it. In the sack. That way, you leave her less time to contemplate it

Give Her Your Reason: But whatever you do, don’t tell them the truth. The truth is awful and wretched in this instance:

Why do you want to do that?

Because I’m a pervert with disturbing sexual proclivities who believes his wanton desires trump your self-esteem.

No. You give them one explanation and one explanation only:

Because I think you’d look hot.

Sarah, you’d look so hot in that schoolgirl’s outfit.

Rebecca, you’d look so hot with my jizz spiderwebbing through your fingers. 

That’s the only thing you say. That’s the only reason you want it. Think about it. You are telling a woman how much it would improve their overall attractiveness. Basically you’re insisting they splurge on that new pair of shoes.

Don’t Push Back: So your girl seems hesitant. Tells you she’s never tried that before. Do not plead. Do not ask again. Whatever you do, don’t say “Come on.”

Not only does it smack of desperation, it cements their reluctance. Just say “Alright” and move on. Nothing irks girls more than ambivalence from their partner. She’ll be thinking about it incessantly later on.

Why didn’t he insist? I thought that’s what he wanted. Wait, is he getting that same thing somewhere else? Is that why he was okay with it?

She’ll suggest it herself the next time.

Be Grateful: Don’t underestimate how powerful simple appreciation can be. If she lets you do what you want, absolutely tell them how great it was. how much it turned you on that she sucked on your fingers while you came. And if she turns you down, be sure to bring up in a thankful manner after sex that you’re glad she listened to your suggestion. Girls love being thanked for listening. And that little polite bit could be enough to push her over to your side the next time around. Because you were a gentleman. You respected her when she said no. (Of course that’s a lie, but whatever. No one is supposed to know you are playing a long con).

Ask What They’d Want: As much as I wish it weren’t, sex if a symbiotic situation, and if your partner is willing to do something you enjoy, you absolutely must offer to do what pleases her the next time around. Establishing a reciprocal relationship like this will allow you to continue to get what you want in bed. So what if her request is that you fuck missionary while Matt Nathanson plays. It’s not like you have to tell your friends. Because she certainly isn’t going to tell hers where she let you put it.

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[In bed image via ShutterStock]