Birds are chirping, it’s raining every other day and Jesus just rose from the dead to quell the Syrian opposition. So it’s April. Or, more accurately, Spring. Which means from now until the end of October, your calendar is going to be littered with weddings. Can you feel the excitement?
Weddings are the best. You get an open bar and the joy of watching one of your closest friends enter into a vow they will most certainly break within the next five years. What is better than basking in other people’s horrible decisions? I can think of no other thing. Having a free pass to fuck after the nuptials. It’s like everyone collectively agreed to exclude weddings from the realm in which we judge promiscuity. And weddings themselves are an aphrodisiac, thanks to the combined powers of love and hotel beds. Never underestimate how much a nice hotel turns a woman on.
With those factors working in your favor, getting laid at a wedding is as easy as A—just A. We don’t need other letters. R? Suck my dick, R. All I (and you) need are the seven A’s of getting wedding laid.
Accessorize: You know those fucking assholes who wear madras blazers and skinny pants and you see them walking down the street and are like “Fuck those assholes?” For one night, you can be them. People want to be impressed by your outfit. Skip the socks and cuff your pants. Wear a bracelet. Anything to get attention.
Approach: Going up to strangers is daunting. Especially ones you’ve seen from afar and are like “OMG that’s the one I want to sleep with.” The expectation you accidently create can be so overwhelming that walking up and saying hello feels like it would immediately disqualify you as a sexual prospect. But you know one place everyone goes at a wedding, often alone, where they stand for a bit? The bar. Wait for the person you like to head to the drink line and saddle up next to them. You can even make a cute joke. “Can I get back cuts? Remember back cuts?”
Amuse: In fact, you need to make a joke. Within like the first ten seconds. Be the funny, adorable guy who cracked her up. Why? Because women want to leave a wedding hook up with the least amount of shame possible. Being a nerd or an asshole or a prick puts that sense on high alert. But the funny, charming, non-threatening gent? No one ever regrets sleeping with him (Unfortunately, this only works at weddings).
Avoid: Weddings receptions are fucking long. There is no humanely way possible to carry a conversation all that time. So once you make an impression, move away. “Hopefully I’ll see you soon. Maybe you can let me cut in line again.” Look at you. Another joke.
Adhere: To a strict “one drink, one glass of water” policy. This is not about being less drunk than girls. It’s to stop you from collapsing in a slobbering, drunken heap. Remember the last open bar you attended? You didn’t get laid after it. Because you were a drooling, slurring fool. Hence, one glass of water after every drink. Look at how appropriately buzzed you are.
Acknowledge: Let her catch you staring. If she does, smile. It’s okay to let her know you are interested. If you pass by her, maybe offer a surreptitious tap on the shoulder. Anything to keep you on her mind.
Ask: So you’ve done all this and, wow, you are standing and talking to her at the hotel bar after the reception. Congratulations, Bro, you are in prime position to ask if she wants to go to your room. So what do you do? You ask. You have to ask. It isn’t just going to happen. Take a little risk. If she says no, smile, say that’s alright and still buy her next drink. If she says yes, good work, Bro. Now it’s on to the next wedding.
[Bridesmaids image via ShutterStock]