Life
by Sorry For Partying on August 22, 2013

Avoiding The Topic 

First and foremost, if the topic of sex, giant boobs, or blow jobs comes up, and you start to get all twitchy, it will be pretty obvious to everybody in the conversation that you’re a newb when it comes to chicks. Don’t squirm during steamy sex scenes in movies, and giggle any time a female jogger runs by with a very revealing sports bra. Enjoy that shit in private bro. Being a little too eager about anything that has to do with chicks is a dead giveaway. Remember, bros never give a fuck. Avoiding eye contact, swollen tongues, sweaty palms, and uneven breathing… the unwanted boner you just let everybody know you have is a serious buzz kill as well as an obvious sign that you’re just itching to get it on with anything that moves. Have some standards dude. If you have an unwanted boner, don’t tuck that bad boy into your waistline, be a real bro and let everybody know you’re not afraid to use it. Chicks will dig it, trust us. Boners are basically complements about how good they look.

The Hover Hand

The hover hand is one of the most tried and true methods to locate and identify a virgin. Search through your Facebook photos, Vines, and Instagram pics and see if there are any pictures where you didn’t have the balls to put your hand all the way against someone’s skin, lingering a few awkward inches above. Delete these ASAP bro. Seriously, stop reading this article right now and delete those pictures before you become an interne meme or something and are never able to get laid. The hover hand is a natural phenomenon, and can be easily googled and recognized. It’s often seen near hot girls wearing minimal clothes, or at comic book and porn conventions. Don’t fall victim to this; full contact is the best contact. Besides, touching is the first step to getting between the sheets. At the bar, don’t be afraid to grab a girl and pull her in close or put your arm around her. Remember, confidence is halfway down the road to a BJ.

The Stare

We get it, boobs can be super magnetic when near eyes. Don’t get us wrong, every guy should sneak a peek as often as he can, it’s part of our nature. But if a girl catches a man staring profusely as if they’ve never seen anything like that before, well, they probably haven’t seen anything like it before. You can’t play this one off bro. The stare, paired with an open mouth, is a good indicator that you have no idea what’s going on underneath that low cut v-neck. Don’t let cleavage keep you from getting a full frontal. Keep it in check when you’re pulling out all your moves so you can make sure you get to go all the way. Besides, cleavage is something you will always have access to, but pants unfortunately don’t come in v-neck. Keep your eye on the target and head for home base instead of barely rounding first.

Living At Home

So you finally manage to get a girl interested in you, ask to take them home, you get in a cab, you’re feeling a little buzzed, and everything is going just great. Then, you realize that the only place you have to head to is back to your Star Wars themed bedroom at your parent’s house. This shit is a no-go. You need to turn on the charm and splurge on a hotel room. If she asks you why you’re not going back to your house, just tell her your “roommates” are too annoying and you want to spend some serious quality time with her. If that move doesn’t get you laid, then you may be a lost cause.

Bros, don’t let your virginity hold you back from getting some. As long as you don’t “put the pussy on a goddam pedestal,” you’re sure to get in someone’s pants. Don’t fall for any of these telltale signs and no one will even know they’re taking your V-card unless you tell them. As for technique, lots of guys suck even after they’ve had sex, and if you’re a true bro, you’ll be a stallion right out of the gates.

This post was originally published on Sorry For Partying.

Previously:

How To Know If Your Roommate Sucks, Freshman Year Edition

How to Master the Art of the Backhanded Compliment for When It Comes to Hitting on Chicks

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