Today's column is free of any and all feltching talk (which is sad), but we'll somehow still try to make it through this together. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here. Let's roll.
Q: Alright, me and my girlfriend have been broken up for a couple months now but lately she has been saying she misses me and loves me. Out of the blue last night she asks if I miss sex as much as her. Do I go all-in and admit it, or is there a better way to respond?
A: There's nothing out-of bounds about admitting that you long to get back inside that. If it goes bad, the whole situation will fall on her shoulders anyway; she opened the door by bringing it up and practically begged you to step in from the cold. If I were you, I'd keep the conversation to only sex because she may have broached the topic once she realized you weren't going to respond to her actual feelings.
You've got to know that getting back together is most likely her end-game. If you start telling her you love and miss her (when you don't) just to bang her a few more times, suddenly she'll think there's hope, and expectations to get back together will arise. Then, when you eventually sh*t the truth down her throat and shoot her down, yet again, you'll be the only one to blame for "leading her on."
So don't mention any of your feelings, unless you're also a lovesick puppy, and when she inevitably tries to make the team again you can plead total ignorance and say, “Come on, Babe. You know we’re no good together. I only did this because I thought we were going to keep it loose and casual."
Q: My girlfriend used to enjoy an*l, a lot. Like "c*m in my ass cause I'm a dirty girl" a lot. Now she is repulsed by the idea. How can I get her back into it?
A: Cheat on her with her best friend. I guarantee she'll go out and get ass-f*cked all over town THAT VERY NIGHT. Could even go on a destructive, week-long butt-sex bender, which will leave her assh*le jarringly agape. But at least you'll have gotten her back in the game.
You've certainly posed a perplexing question. I've never heard of someone quitting butthole passions cold turkey like that; thought chicks that dug it in the turd hatch were lifers. Anyway, you've got to ask her why she's repulsed by it. And you need to get a straight answer. It might have something to do with an old boyfriend or perhaps she only likes it when she's drunk or maybe her sh*t slot is in dire shape from her former lifestyle? Whatever it is, you need to get to the bottom of it because no one in the history of history has ever fallen out of love with anything for no reason at all.
Q: I'll just be straight with this, I need some advice for my best Bro's sake.
My boy dated this smokeshow for a year or so, his first real girlfriend. Bangin’ chick, insane level of daddy issues, listens to Drake and has a tattoo that amounts to "YOLO" so you can guess where this is going. She cheated on him, lied to him about it then came clean and he stuck with her. She cheated again and dumped him. He still wants her back, answers her calls at 2 a.m., interrupts dates I set him up on with hot chicks to call his ex. He misses his "perfect girlfriend" and it's crushing his life: his grades dropped, he can't function like the Bro he used to be. He can't move on because she got under someone else before he had a chance to get over her. I'm sure any Bro who's been there can understand the feeling of failing when a recent ex makes moves past you but keeps coming back for emotional support. It’s killing my friend and I don’t know how to bring him back. I've talked to him, told him to dump her, I've had him point out all her faults but this dude will not see what's going on. This kid's really the kind of Bro you can't replace, a real brother, more family than my family.
Any advice for getting back a Bro who's tied to a sinking ship?
A: Why do guys always do this? I don't even think it has anything to do with the girl, but we FIXATE on the rejection and the desire to get her back to prove absolutely nothing to ourselves takes over. It depresses us and it reduces us to act like chicks. And the only reason we do it is because most of us are egoists -- not too mention dumb wads of sh*t -- and we hate being bested BY ANYONE and that's never going to change.
I hate to say it, but you've got to let him sink. Let him hit rock bottom because unless he's a TOTAL P*SSY, all he can see right now is the good times he had with this girl. He's completely looking past the deceit and pain she's caused him. He wants her back, not because he can't do better, but because being rejected by someone you love sucks a forest full of dicks. But he'll come around, you just need to keep pointing out how his ex is a vile slut and one day it might just sink in. That day will probably coincide with the time she stops responding or he finds a girl that stacks up to everything he saw in her – minus the cold heart and whore-like tendencies.
Q: Here's a totally plausible scenario. Your friends fix you up on a blind date. They introduce you to a perfect 10 and she's smoking hot! She wants to blow you first before getting it on. You go to her place and she strips naked. Her only rule is that you allow her to tie you to a chair and blindfold you. You agree and receive the world's best blow job, bar none! She unties you, takes off your blindfold and to your surprise, there is a flaming homosexual standing right next to her. She hands you a loaded revolver and asks you "Guess who just sucked your dick?" Do you, A- Shoot the bitch. B- Shoot the homo. C- Shoot the bitch and the homo. D- Shoot the homo, f*ck the bitch and then shoot the bitch. E- Shoot your friends for setting up the blind date. F- Shoot yourself.
A: Oh my. A real slick brainteaser you've concocted here. And yes, TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE. I don't even want to answer this but I have to pick one, right? Yes, of course I do. And, of course, f*ck you for asking this.
/digests the information for, oh, 13 seconds.
Let me first start by saying, if I didn't have to choose one, I probably wouldn’t kill anyone. Why risk jail time and my butthole being some dude's concubine for the next 50 years? I think that's far worse than walking away and trying to drink my memories black. I certainly wouldn't commit suicide either, this wasn’t my fault; I was blown under false pretenses. What I would do, however, is just leave the country and sever all ties to those friends FOVEVER. But that's not an option because you're a rotten bastard.
The only choice is a combo of D and E, because everyone involved MUST DIE. I'm still not going to kill myself -- the world loses if I die -- but I also need to rid the planet of anyone who knows what happened if I want to get away with murder. And I may as well f*ck the 10 while I'm at it, no? YES!
Q: Well, basically I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. My girlfriend of about 2 months walked in on me mid-jackhammer with another broad. My roommate didn’t know what I was up to and let my girlfriend in as usual. I felt quite sh*tty after this and realized i probably was a bit of a dick, no fault to my buddy. A few days later I am traped, oh no. My same 'mate' posts Shaggy's hit, "It wasn’t me" to my ex's Facebook page. Evil bastard. The backlash has been severe. Death threats from friends are coming in thick and fast and any chance of making up with this girl are well and truly blown. I realize I did the cheating but i cant help feel quite pissed with my Bro who says he is sorry. So should i just let it go? and also how the hell do I get out of this situation? Help is needed ASAP!!
A: Is this Shoenice? Only he's allowed to open sentences with "Well, basically."
The whole situation is on you. How do you not notify your roommate that your shucking another clam when he's your first, last, an only line of defense?!? He is at no fault here. Yeah, the Facebook post was a bush stunt on his part, but he was likely trying to make light of the situation that YOU THREW HIM IN. You know your girlfriend probably gave him crap for "allowing you to do that" and posting Shaggy on her wall was his way of saying, “Hey, bitch, don’t blame me. I didn’t cheat on you.”
Getting out of this bind is no small task. If you want your girl back -- Why would you? Seems like you're still looking to dust randos. -- then you've got to be willing to go on a year-long guilt trip and learn to love being interrogated every time you leave her sight. If you don't want her back, you should just tell her you know you f*cked up and you understand it's over. Being sincere (even falsely) will make this go away faster than acting like you don't care about what you did.
Q: Would you rather the hottest girl you have met stick her largest finger down your dickhole, knuckle deep, or your dad shove his foot up your ass to the heel? Answering neither results in both forcibly happening simultaneously.
A: I'd like to start this off in the most badass way possible by saying that both of these would probably result in me crying – yeah, I’m a complete bitch when it comes to dick mutilation. But with all things, there is a clear-cut winner.
Both might be equally painful, but I think the hurt would be magnified if I had to watch it happen with a front row seat. So I’m going to have to pick the one that I can’t really see taking place and opt to have a foot stuck up my ass. The whole thumb-knuckle-deep-in-my-pecker thing sounds way too detrimental, plus I take 12 lb. sh*ts on the reg.
Q: So I was recently at a party and was thinking about hooking up with this girl who I had been talking to. Right before I was about to take her to a different room my friend comes up to me and tells me about how she gave a rim job to another one of our friends. In my mind that was a deal-breaker even if it did happen over a year ago. So my question is is it ever ok to hook up with a girl who you know gave a rim job? And if so how long until it becomes acceptable?
A: I'm going to go with it being acceptable about 4-seconds after she brushes her teeth and sanitizes her hands. Wouldn't hurt if she shaved a few layers of disgusting off her puss with a pumice stone etiher.