Life
by Dapper Dan on September 27, 2012

10. Political statuses

There is a special place in hell for these people. Just because “The Newsroom” is your favorite show and you watch “The Daily Show” every night does not make you an expert on politics. Your “witty” 50-word status is not going to change my political views. The same goes for the people who try arguing with these Tom Brokaws in training. Do you really think I’m going to have a political epiphany because of the link you posted from The Huffington Post/Drudge Report?

9. Sharing motivational photos

I don’t know when or how it happened, but those shitty motivational posters you’re used to seeing in your boss’s office have migrated to Facebook. I don’t come to the Book to be inspired. Posting a photo of an open road that says, “Everything will be alright” won’t make my student loans go away. Trust me, I tried.

8. Constantly changing your default photo

The stereotypical chronic default photo changer:

  • Always uses photos that only include themselves
  • Often uses photos shot with a webcam
  • Every third default includes some type of filter
  • Has one default that is of them with no makeup entitled, “No makup”
  • BONUS: Every default is accompanied by a quote
  • DOUBLE BONUS: Said quote is from Marilyn Monroe

7. Game invites

I do not want to help you win lucky slots. I don’t want to help you grow your garden. I don’t care you got a high score in jewel quest. I’m awesome at killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto but you don’t see me posting about that. By the way, who even plays games on Facebook anymore? What happened to sites like addictinggames.com? The time I spent on there in college dropped my GPA at least a full point.

6. Syncing other social media devices to Facebook

Do you tell a joke twice because you didn’t think it got enough laughs the first time? Then chances are you probably have all of your Tweets, Instagram photos and whatever the hell you do on Pinterest directly posted to your Facebook. There is a reason I don’t follow you on any of these, and if I do chances are whatever you did on them wasn’t worthy of being posted twice.

5. Club event invites

JUST BECAUSE YOU WRITE THEM IN ALL CAPS AND USE EXCLAMATION POINTS DOESN’T MAKE THEM MORE APPEALING!! I STILL DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR CLUB! GET A REAL JOB!

4. Liking your own stuff

By liking your own photo/status/comment you’re pretty much saying, “Hey Dan, I never want to be your friend!” This is the equivalent of giving yourself a virtual high-five. Unless you pull Katie Upton or win the lottery you shouldn’t do this.

3. Albums with no one in them

So that smoke show in your Econ class just went on Spring Break with her entire pledge class. When you see she uploaded a new album entitled “sPriNG bReEk!!” you eagerly check it out only to find that it’s full of photos of monkeys, margaritas and seashells she found. Let’s be real, 90% of Facebook is checking people out in pictures. Don’t post that album with 200 photos when 190 of them consist of trees. In the great words of Dennis Reynolds: “I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just don't care.”

2. Checking in

Believe it or not, I don’t need to know where all my friends are at every moment of the day. I don’t care if your grabbing drinks at some bar in Chinatown. This goes double when people check in at an airport to announce they are flying somewhere. Why else would you be at the airport? Most people I know don’t hit up JFK just for the Cinnabon.

1. Announcing you’re cleaning your Facebook and deleting friends

Who are you to put me on trial? I won’t stand for that. If the Karate Kid taught me anything it’s that you strike first and you strike hard.

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