Life
by Fitz E Fresh on August 29, 2012


Q: Sophomore year, and it's midway through welcome week at my university – but this time around, I seem to be having issues perfecting my game. Last year was awesome – I established myself as someone who was popular, smart (somehow this happened?), and down to party so I had half the freshman class eating out of the palm of my hand. This was especially magnified because me and one of my bros lived in a coed dorm, so I had premium access to all of the girls, and being one of the more attractive guys on campus didn't hurt either. This time around, though, its not so easy – and since I didn't have to do any work for over a year, my game has gotten rusty, and I seem to be floundering with the new shipment of hot freshmen.

Anyways, I was wondering if I could just get some pointers and refreshers, approaches and stuff.

A: So you lost your freshman momentum — tragic. The thing is, you're in the prime of your college career right now, and the odds are honestly in your favor.

The senior boys are fat, the juniors are abroad, and the freshman are still getting lost on their way to find the party. You've got more clout than anybody on campus, and frankly you should be owning that sh*t, which makes me think you're doing something wrong.

So I sought the counsel of my one of my board members, who also doubles as one of my roommates on this particular topic to see what her thoughts were. Her response was concise and wise, in explaining that one or all of the following things happened:

1. You got fat.

2. You developed really bad acne.

3. You've become a douche.

Seriously, these are legitimate reasons. Just like the Beastie Boys preach, college girls are easy.

So hit the gym, call the proactiv infomercial, do whatever the f*ck you have to do in order to get your groove back.

Stop being a douchebag. And once you do, set the bar high.

Don't be the guy who preys solely on freshman girls; set your standards above average, and even try to play put of your league. Whether you realize it or not, there's a strong inverse correlation between aging college girls boredom and their standards.

Again, this is in your favor.

And once you nab a few older babes, your bros won't be the only one who notice (Read: babes like dudes who get other hot babes). 

If you knew what was good for you, you'd stay a sophomore forever. I'm not sure how that works but it'd be worth investigating.

Q: Me and my friends were talking the other day while looking at pictures of girls on Facebook. One thing that kept coming across was pictures of girls trying to look attractive obviously (slutty), but in a lot of these pictures the girls have their tongue out. We thought about it for a while but couldn't come up with an answer. Do you have any knowledge of why girls do this?

A: Picturing a bunch of dudes sitting around a computer drinking Michelob Ultra out of cans and pondering over this question gives me terrible secondhand embarrassment, but I'll respond regardless because the answer is simple: they're trying to look hot, and exude sexuality via the internet.

That's why girls have Facebook.

Q: So my girlfriend and I always do it before going to bed in the dark. Mind you, she is a very gorgeous attractive girl and realizes she is. She's thin, works out 6 days a week, and eats healthy so the whole self-conscious thing might be able to be ruled out. I really want to see everything rather than just a shadow on top of me and I'm especially desperate for some good old afternoon delight.

A: Well, things could be worse. You've got a babe of a girlfriend who likes having sex with you. She just doesn’t like you to be able to see it.

It’s gonna be a gradual process, but I think you can make it. Start out with some candles; a little nonthreatening lowlight that can lead into a dimmed lamp, and eventually even DAYLIGHT. A man can dream.

And the more of her that you get to enjoy, the more you should express how much you love being able to enjoy it.

Meaning, shower her with compliments. Make her fully understand what a gracious guy you are to get to see her in all of her babeful glory. But always, always, make sure she feels comfortable.

Q: I transferred colleges this year, and now I am 6 hours away from my old school. I left some stuff (calculator, etc.) in my major's department and asked this girl to kindly ship it back to me and I would pay her back. She texts back that she can't right away because she’s on a fishing trip with her Dad, and I should plan an adventure weekend to come back, hang, and go fishing with her. Do you think she means anything beyond just that or is there something else there? Is her wanting to do the same things she does with her Dad (fishing/outdoor activities) mean anything? I should note we only hung out a few times at partie but never hooked up.

A: The dad card is clearly a smokescreen; a faux buffer between you and the fateful opportunity that's been put before you.

That is, she's just fishing for an excuse to get you alone in a dinghy.

Let me put it this way; whenever I had dudes ship my sh*t around the country for me, the only thing I let them have was my phone number;
to text me once they’d sent my sh*t.

Don’t overanalyze the daddy issues—this girl digs you and I’m thinking you should give it a shot. Just be careful; because if pappy finds you skinny dipping in the lake, you'll be two rifle shots away from becoming the victim of a redneck murder.

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