So it’s Saturday morning and you roll over in bed. If you’re a girl, your eyeliner is probably all over your face along with bronzer all over a pillow that you immediately realize isn’t yours. If you’re a dude, you attempt to roll over cause you normally like to starfish your bed when you’re hungover, and instead you realize you can’t move your arm nor can you feel it because there is a girl passed out on top of it. Then there’s a panicked moment where you piece together your night: what bar was I at? How much money did I spend? Did I close my tab? Did I late night eat? And then you remember that at last call you met this dime piece that’s in bed next to you. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, but most times you want this person to get the fuck out of your bed. This is described as the Coyote Ugly moment. Now, besides being a film made in 2000 starring Tyra Banks that I still think was Oscar worthy, Coyote Ugly describes that moment when you wake up next to someone and would rather gnaw off your own arm rather than risk waking them up and having to spend time with them. This term originated in the animal kingdom whereby coyotes, caught in a steel-jaw trap, will chew off their own limb in order to escape. It’s a little dramatic, but let’s be honest. We’ve all been there.
So how do you get out of this little hellhole of a pickle you’ve found yourself in? I decided to poll all my friends, girls and guys alike, to tell me their go-to excuse for getting the these hookups to get out of their apartment faster than it takes a Bro to get hard to Paulina Gretzky’s Instagram.With that I give you the Coyote Ugly Handbook, guaranteed to get even the most batshit of hookups out of your apartment.
The Wannabe Rory McIlroy:
This is one of the most popular responses I got from guys cause, let’s be honest, most Bros love to golf. They also love wearing golf shirts, and most girls don’t like golf. Guys said they purposefully just leave their golf clubs out in their room as a prop piece, and if the girl wasn’t getting the hint that they had an early tee time, then they would full on shower, grab the clubs, and take a lap around the block before hopping back into bed. Heads up ladies, most guys who take their 18 holes seriously don’t like to go out hard the night before an early tee time, especially if they’re playing a nice course.
Similar to the above, lots of guys said that they usually use work as an excuse. If the girls don’t get the hint then they will shower, put on a suit, and also take a lap around the block. Few jobs require early Saturday morning wake-up calls and even fewer require you to actually wear work attire when you go in on the weekends so if you’re not an investment banker, I’d stick to the golf excuse.
One guy admitted to “farting girls out of his apartment.” He said it worked without fail, he would just farting early the next morning, the girl either wouldn’t be able to stand the smell, felt so awkward and didn’t want to say anything, or thought it was so rude they left on their own volition. I give points for creativity.
The Naked Man:
Guys text their roommate that they have a chick in their bed they are trying to get rid of so the roommate runs in the room naked and jumps into bed. Shockingly this has a somewhat low success rate, but gets high points for entertainment value.
Same as above, but roommate comes in full on mangina and just stands in the room. Very weird, very bold, very high success rate.
The Jason Bourne:
If the girl gets up to go to the bathroom or kitchen and you consider yourself an agile person with nimble feet, then as soon as they leave the room you grab your shit and dart from cover point to cover point until you can make it to the door. Think the tennis ball challenge in American Gladiators (former college athletes crush this one).
Guys said they would change their alarm tone to be the iPhone ringtone, set an alarm for a few minutes from then, and act like they were being woken up by a phone call from their parents. If the girl didn’t feel the need to leave after they took the “phone call” to another room, then they would come back in and fake a family emergency. Points for intricacy, lots of points deducted for Karma.
The Greasy Feast:
A lot of girls don’t like eating a mongo breakfast in front of a dude the next morning, especially when they haven’t had the opportunity to brush their teeth, brush their hair, or reapply bronzer. So some guys go on the offensive and invite them to a super greasy breakfast. If the girl took the bait and made it through the brunch, then they would just say they’re heading back to their apartment solo to take a nap (you should still pay for their Grand Slam special in this situation).
The Power Outage:
This one was saved for last because it takes the fucking cake. You would be surprised how many girls have “accidents” on a guy’s sheets (whether drunk tinkling or a menstrual sitch) and then have the balls to hang around in the morning. Numerous bros polled said they would try and give the major hint that they needed to get the eff out by immediately getting up and washing the sheets. Usually this works, but for the stage five clingers, drastic times call for drastic measures. When the bro is down in the laundry room he texts his roommate who is stuck babyitting the stage five clinger in the living room, then tells the roommate to go in his room and shut the door. Then the bro goes to the circuit breaker and cuts power to the apartment and waits it out. No girl no matter how clingy will stick around alone in a living room, with no power, after soiling your sheets. If you find such a specimen… run.
Girls, on the other hand, tended to be a little more subtle than the “naked men standing in the room” strategies. So Bros, if you’ve ever heard these lines, I hate to break it to ya but you’re in the Coyote Ugly category. Here’s what the ladies had to say:
The Parent Trap:
Hands-down the most common excuse was telling the hookup their parents were in town and were coming over to take them to breakfast. This works extraordinarily well for dudes because most girls are secretly hoping that this will end up becoming a “thing,” and she doesn’t want this to be the first impression she makes on her potential future mother-in-law. For chicks this always works great because I don’t care how cocky a Bro is, they are all terrified of getting the shit kicked out of them by some chick’s dad who knows that you just spent the night diddling around with their daughter. So if you wake up at a hookup’s pad and they tell you that their parents are coming over for breakfast they’re probably more full of shit than Tiger Woods a la 2009.
The Code Red:
Nothing in this world freaks guys out more than talking about periods, except for maybe childbirth and showing him your wedding Pinterest page on a first date. Any mention of “shit I need to go get tampons” or “ugh I need Midol so bad I didn’t think my cramps were going to start until tomorrow” are fucking gold. Guys will not question, they will flee faster than they looked up Kate Upton doing the ice bucket challenge in a white t-shirt.
The Roomies Brunch:
Most guys hate having to put on a good face and meet their girlfriend’s BFF’s, which means they really hate having to put on a good face and have breakfast hungover with a girl he just met and all her roommates. Invite the Bro to “brunch” and mention that all your roommates will be coming as well as a few girlfriends who want to meet up. Dudes love bacon, egg, and cheeses the morning after a bender, but they do not love them more than having to listen to girls incessantly analyze all the drunk texts they sent the night before.
The Irish Exit:
In dire situations girls admitted to just straight up Usain Bolting before the dude had a chance to wake up. Don’t forget any clothes or jewelry behind though; a favorite bra or pair of earrings when lost in a 6am Irish exit is lost forever.
No matter what city you are in, an Uber can be coyly ordered from your cellphone at any hour of the day. Numerous girls told me they would order Ubers for the dudes before they woke up and then politely wake them up to let them know that their ride was here. Points for not really giving the dudes a chance to rebuttal and making them feel guilty if they do because you’re paying for their ride home.
The Silent Outfit Change:
Some girls said they would just get up and get dressed without giving an explanation, but put on something that made it obvious they were going to a specific event. For instance if it was a Sunday they’ll just get up and put on a church outfit, if it was Saturday morning they would put on full soul cycling gear or an outfit that screams “I’m going to a fancy brunch, last night’s hookup need not apply.”
Use the Playbook thoughtfully and carefully and hope that you woke up next to somebody you’re actually pumped about. If not, always keep in mind that you can toss around some tampons, cut the power, or recruit a friend to showcase a mangina. And they say chivalry is dead…
[Image via Shutterstock]
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