I’m not going to mince words: My ex-boyfriend loved anal sex. LOVED it. His entire life goal seemed to be to get so deep in there it required a passport. He was the Christopher Columbus of anal exploration. If he had an ailment, my ass seemed to hold the antidote.
I was less than thrilled—I have a perfectly usable vagina, after all. And while you’re always going to meet that one crazy girl who goes on and on about how much she just loves taking it up the butt, the truth is your average woman doesn’t want your goddamn dick up there.
So, if you’re like my anal-loving ex, how do you persuade your girl to let you steal the illicit fifth base? Lucky for you, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up your playbook.
One week before: Plant the idea and assure her nothing will change
Look, guys. You can surprise us with dinner, you can surprise us with flowers, but you simply CANNOT surprise us with anal. We need time to mull over the idea, and we need time to mentally prepare.
Additionally, women need your reassurances. Once the topic of backdoor shenanigans has been broached, we need to know that you won’t think we’re whores if we do it.
Tell your girl you want to experiment and make effusive promises about how you’ll still respect her in the morning. Repeat them a few times if necessary. Your ability to negotiate butt sex hinges on how well you placate her self-esteem.
One day before: Make her a salad for dinner
Dude – ROUGHAGE. A big ol’ salad will ensure your girl takes a big ol’ poop before you get down to backdoor business.
Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t want to think about your girlfriend taking a shit? Well, tough, because if you want to put it in her butt, you need to. Would you want a dick shoved up your ass while you’re suffering a wicked case of constipation? I DID NOT THINK SO.
You can be considerate and make sure she’s got clean plumbing before any anal adventures by giving her a bowl of leafy greens for dinner the night before. (Kale is so hot right now anyway—she’ll just think you’re being a trendy cook.)
One hour before: Pour a glass of wine
So, tonight’s the night and she’s agreed to grant you some anal action. Pour her a glass of sauvignon blanc so she can relax. While you’re at it, put on some slow jams. You need to create an atmosphere that puts her at ease so she can loosen her anus.
Yes, she needs to loosen it. That part of the body’s got a closing mechanism that will blow your mind, and if she doesn’t relax, you’re not going to be able to slide your dick in there. I’m speaking from experience here. So kiss her neck, massage her back, and pour her another glass of white wine. Trust me, she’s gonna need it.
One minute before: Lube up
You better be greasing your cock like a Slip N’ Slide before you even get anywhere NEAR her ass. The ass is not self-lubricating.
And make a note of that: You’re lubing YOURSELF, not her ass, or else your dick won’t have the traction to get up in there and it’ll just be like a bad porn film where your slippery cock is just flapping all over the place. No one wants that.
GO TIME: Put her in doggy style
While you can get at the ass from all sorts of positions, first-time anal is best achieved traditionally. Having your girl on her hands and knees will allow her the ability to spread herself out, and it will also allow you the best access.
GO TIME PART 2: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, GO SLOWLY AND STOP IF SHE ASKS YOU TO
Oh Jesus. One of the top 10 sex injuries I’ve ever experienced involved being too quickly anally thrust upon. I get that you’re excited—I really do–but do your girl a favor and try to contain yourself just a little bit. It’s going to feel uncomfortable for her at first, so get her used to the feeling of your dick in her ass little by little.
Post-sex: Clean up
You hear horror stories all the time of girls shitting everywhere from anal; I assure you, this is generally fiction. But, you will feel slippery with lube and, unfortunately, be moderately smelly, so go wash up before you cuddle. Your girl will appreciate it!
So, there you go, guys. And when anybody asks you how your anal-sex experience was, you can now answer: “Butt of course!”
[Anus via Shutterstock]