Life
by Fitz E Fresh on November 6, 2013

Q: I'm a GDI bro at a Big Ten school, and I've been building a relationship with this girl in my class who showed some interest in me who happens to be in a top tier sorority. Any tips to game her despite our social differences?

A: Where I come from we call your kind “geeds” (pronounced, “jeeds”). But for now I'll refrain from fratial slurs. 

Good work getting your foot in the door. That first step is a huge one, but not the last you'll have to take in order to claim your victory with this sratette. 
It's time to integrate yourself. Infiltrate the frat scene with the utmost confidence and poise. I know you're thinking that my advice is the impossible; but the reality is that it's not- and if you prove that, you'll emerge a champion. Sure it's intimidating, nerve-racking etc. And I hope before going into this that you have a pretty secure idea of her actually being interested in you so this isn't just a huge fucking waste of time.

But if you can't prove to the babe in question your ability to hang with the elite, much less yourself– you're DOA. 

And if you succeed, your gravestone shall read, “BigTenGDI: he infiltrated the system, and for that, he'll never be forgotten.”

Q: For background, I go to a small college of a few thousand people. Everyone knows everyone's business. Usually girls will not have sex the first time they meet you because of this. I've been hooking up with a chick for a little while and it's become a sustained thing, but she still won't have sex. We haven't really had a conversation about it and I'm not sure how to bring it up. It seems like this thing is not going anywhere and I am getting pretty bored. I would be down to keep hooking up if something were going to happen. But if I ditch her I may have to deal with the small school bullshit of every girl getting mad at me and probably not getting laid anyway (happened before.) What should I do?

A: Hm. Sounds like a Catholic middle school to me. My school was just shy of 5,000 undergrad…but a spell of slutty abandon ran through the veins of its female populace like the West Nile Virus. Interesting that your crowd is the opposite.

Anywho. 

If every girl in your school has the desire and time to get pissed at you for ending a casual hookup–and consequently blacklist you for it–they need to get a fucking hobby. If you aren't getting what you need out of a hookup, which is based on the most basic and selfish of physical needs–then end it. Public opinion should not play a role in the decision. You aren't running for fucking governor over here. You're just trying to get yours, and no one should be able to get in the way of that.
So. If you're feeling lucky give it one last shot at a home run with homegirl. If you're over it, drop it. Maybe lay low for a minute before seeking out a new conquest to avoid the leering eyes of the extremely judgey community you reside in.

But ultimately, to paraphrase a widely recognized quote, “Your body, YOUR CHOICE!!!!”

Q: My girlfriend is crazy jealous, can't even mention that I think a celebrity is good looking. Is there anything I can do to try to curb this?

A: You could tell her to chill the fuck out, for starters. But that may not be the best route. If that doesn't go as planned, you can guilt trip her. 

Can she REALLY claim she never finds random dudes to be attractive? Can she  HONESTLY say she's never touched herself to that scene in The Notebook where Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off?

If she denies the last part she's just a god damn liar. 

Most important of all, however, is playing it cool. If you brush it off as silly bullshit, it becomes silly bullshit. Girls will take all liberties possible when it comes to making you feel guilty and maintaining an upper hand in the relationship. 

So if you continue to defend your harmless thoughts or words, you will become a liar. Before you know it you're gonna think you're guilty for shit you never even did. Stand your ground. Cool as a cucumber.

And on TOP of that, make absolutely certain that you're giving her the attention she obviously craves. Maintain a 25-to-1 ration of compliments for her vs. compliments for anyone other than her.

And mean them, dammit.

Q: Hey babe-ette, my girl gets a little dry sometimes, what lube would you recommend for a first time user?

A: Yuck. No offense to her or anything. Lube can just be gross. Anyways if it's a necessity I'd start off simple. Don't immediately go for that shit that warms up inside of you then shoots fireworks and plays the happy birthday song as you're approaching climax. That shit is unnecessarily complicated and can be genuinely dangerous. 

If you're unfamiliar with appropriate quantities be sure to brush up on that beforehand as well. Your girlfriends vagina is not a fucking slipNslide. I repeat: you should NOT be able to dive head first into your lady's snatch without her noticing.

We good here? Good.

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