Life
by Brandon Wenerd on June 27, 2013

Via ivegotagoldenticket: 

Ordered a shot. Took said shot. Threw it up into shot glass. Took shot again.
-Yeah, you're done.

 

Via jeadie5: 

A buddy of mine on his birthday did a shot, threw up in his mouth but fought it. A puke/snot mixture starts dribbling out his nose. Bartender immediately tells him to leave….via the back entrance because he was too big a disgrace to leave via the front door.

 

Via RawrImABigScaryBear: 

I'm in Vegas, playing poker at MGM. I tell the bartender to bring me two drinks every time she comes out, drop one off to me first and I'll finish it before she brings me the second. I tip well, this works, and I get very drunk very fast. I'm normally a pretty good card player, but for some reason, on this day, I could do no wrong. I swear I won a pot once when I had one of my hole cards wrong. So I'm drunk, young, cocky, and begin talking shit. Like, a LOT of shit, to all the other players. Eventually, a pit boss comes over quickly grabs me, makes me pick up my chips and has me walked out. When I ask why, he explains to me that one of the people I was taunting at the table was not the kind of guy you want to do that to, and that I was pretty close to getting into a lot more trouble than I could handle.
tl;dr Kicked out of a casino at 6pm in Vegas, probably had my life saved

 

Via MamaCalc: 

I was out drinking with a friend and we had too much. Our waiter was a rotund guy, and funny as fuck all night. Finally, he sat down next to my friend and asked if she thought he was handsome. She was polite and said “of course!” To which he replied “you're cut off.” We paid, and also gave him a 40% tip and called for a taxi. Awesome night.

 

Via notnicholas:

I bartended weddings in a hotel ballroom in a smaller rural town.

One particular wedding the groom and groomsmen went out to the parking lot to shotgun beers that were stashed in the groom's truck. The wedding party had already cashed in 4 kegs by 9:30 pm and the father of the bride, who was paying for it all, declined buying any more.

All of the groomsmen came back in and went back into the reception/dance. The bride storms out to the parking lot when she sees everyone but her new hubby return, then comes back in red in the face, make up smeared and bawling her eyes out…then screams at her bridesmaids to “Go get her out of that truck!”
Bridesmaids go out and drag another bridesmaid in to the hotel bathrooms and help her get back into her dress properly. Groom strolls up to the bar and orders a shot of Jack while tucking his shirt in.

We closed the bar at that exact moment.

It truly was unbelievable to watch it unfold. Felt like a movie.

And it was almost like the bride expected to find him with said bridesmaid out there, like she just knew it was going to happen.

 

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Via way_fairer: 

I had to cut off a Marine because he bit a woman's ass who was dancing on the bar. The bouncers escorted him outside (he was extremely intoxicated but compliant and apologetic) and a police officer chatted with him for a few minutes before sending him off in a cab. Later the officer told us the Marine just got back from serving his second tour in Iraq which is why he didn't get arrested.

 

Via bigsquirrel: 

Walked up to the bar at my local, ordered a 90 Shillings. Bartender (Buddy) says, nope. I ask why not, she says “If you can pronounce it you can have it.
I Proceed:
NINENETY SHERROL
NINnenety SHIRLLIN
SHILLIRING
Sigh… WATER.
Only time I've ever been cut off there.

 

Via krayg: 

About 2:30 some afternoon, I sat down at a bar in Chicago that will remain nameless, ordered a fine craft brew and proceeded to mind my own business. After a few minutes, an inconceivably drunk old man, who must have been in the bathroom, sat down on the stool next to me.

He leaned over in his chair and tried to strike up a conversation. When I say he was unintelligible, I hope you understand the size of the understatement my use of that word is. He was speaking in a dialect that I can only describe as a combination of Klingon, Old Sea Captain, and Pig Latin.

I turn and say to him, “Listen old man, I can't understand a single fuckin' word you're sayin'.”

He leans back and looks at me for a moment like he's angry, then a smile breaks on his face and he laughs. He pats me on the shoulder and I believe he says, “You're all right,” but I'm not entirely sure.
Then he yells to the bartender by grunting and holding up one finger as if to say, “another.” The bartender rolls his eyes and while pouring the beer says, “This is it, Frank.”

In a moment of clarity, Frank blurts out perfectly, “I'll tell you when I'm finished,” slaps some money on the bar and laughs again.

Frank receives his beer and looks it over, mumbling incoherently. He finally raises it up to cheers me. I cheers him and take a sip. He stares at his beer in the air while mumbling again and finally takes a drink.

All seems fine.

Next thing I know, I hear glass shatter on the floor next to me. As I turn to look, Frank is falling into my stool and onto the ground. Almost as he hits the ground he starts puking all over the floor. I jump off my stool to get him on his side.

I swear to all that is Holy, the bartender leans over the bar and says, “Damn it, Frank, not again!”

I snap around to the bartender, “This has happened before?! And you kept serving him?!” The bartender doesn't respond and calls the paramedics.

Frank woke up before the medics arrived, and started mumbling about his drink. The medics came in and demanded they take Frank for supervision. Frank doesn't want to leave, he wants another drink. The police arrive and force Frank in a stair chair with the medics.

After the commotion died down and Frank was off with the medics, I ask the bartender again, “This has happened before and you continued to serve him? Can't you get in trouble for that?” The guy says, “Frank likes to drink. Never drives home, always takes a cab. Sorry about that. Your next one is on me.”

And free beer is the best beer.

 

Via beetroot_miscarriage: 

Not my story but my friend's. He was very drunk and decided he wanted to become more drunk. So he headed for the bar, but tripped over his own foot and stumbled. This was spotted by a bouncer and he was quickly removed from the bar. He stumbles down the street 20 meters and then needs to throw up. He holds up his hand to stop himself from spewing, but instead it explodes all over his hand and he bends over and throws up in a low lying hedge. He straightens up and wipes his mouth and gets ready for the drunken stumble home when a girl who had previously been kicked out walks towards him and grabs his vomit covered hand in an attempt to convince the bouncers that they were just a happy couple going out for a drink. They walk, vomit covered hand in hand, up to the bouncers and confidently attempt walk in. She is stopped at the door and he breezes past and back into the bar, ready for round two.

 

Via GhostOfPluto: 

One time this group of young 20-somethings came into my bar. One of them was obviously very drunk. He couldn't make direct eye-contact and he had a severe case of the wobbles, let's call him “Keg-Stand”. I made the whole group of people their drinks, and tell Keg-Stand all I could give him was water. He complained and grudgingly took the water over to a table with his friends.

Soon after, one of the others in the group orders two more brews, and when I'm not paying attention gives one of them K-Stand. After some time, I spotted him drinking and calmly walked over and took his drink away. The guy, almost by gut reaction, took a swing at me. That was a first for me, and I've been at this gig for a while.

His ended up hitting a barstool and injured his hand. Fortunately, one of my regulars grabbed him by the back of his upper-arm and we took Keg-Stand and his drink-buying friend outside.
Fuckin' Lallapalooza.

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Via -Nikolaus-: 

Not me, but a friend was getting real wasted on St. Paddy's day. He went outside to the smoker's patio smoke and call someone on his phone.

After smoking and calling, he tried to walk back in. But apparently the floor-to-ceiling windows looked a lot like the glass door. He walked directly into one, smashing his plastic cup of green beer into his chest and bashed his face on the window.

The bouncer was trying really hard to be tough as he told him to leave while laughing hysterically.

Edit: St. Paddy's.

Via PROSTITUTE_STRANGLER: 

It was a regular Thursday night and the college crowd was in for Thirsty Thursday. The night was going smoothly people must have been in the generous mood because it's to this day the best night I've ever received in tips. I ended up making $600 that night alone in tips. It was unreal.

Anyways there was this hot group of ladies sitting at a table and I'm making eye contact with this smokin' brunette the whole night. She was hands down the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on. I noticed every other girl had a guy at the table with them except her. I assume they were the boyfriends as they were acting pretty protective of the girls.

As the night goes on this one guy with an Ed hardy hat, Shiny design t-shirt and green shoes went up to the girl who I had been making eye contact with the entire night. He sat next to her they look to be having a pleasant conversation so I turn away to deal with other customers. It must have been about two hours later I hear this guy yelling at this girl and he's slurring his words something along the likes of “You fucking cunt, you'd be lucky to get this dick tonight! FUCKING BITCH!” I hop over the bar and go up to them and tell the guy he has to leave since he's staggering and he looks like he had one too many. The guy refuses to leave so I signal one of the waitresses to grab a bouncer.

I'm trying to calm this guy down but he keeps yelling and shouting about how big of a cunt this girl is and how he deserves to get laid tonight because he's a catch and how he treats women with respect. Ironic right? Calling a girl a cunt but you're treating a woman with respect? Anyways the bouncer comes and they drag this asshole out of the bar.

I hop back over the counter to continue work. The hot brunette comes over to the bar and thanks me for getting that asshole out of her face and introduces herself. Tells me her name is Kelsey and asks me what my name is I tell her etc, We get to talking and I tell her it's just part of my job and that I deal with assholes all the time. She asks for my number and I give it to her.

At the end of the night this brunette is waiting for me to get off work and we end up taking a cab back to her place. I exit the cab and walk her to her door. As were about to enter her house she said she needed something from me first. I ask her what she needs, she says ” “I need about tree fiddy.” It was around this time I realized that Kelsey was 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleolithic era. The goddamned Loch Ness monster had tricked me again!

We ended up hooking up countless times after this night and we still remain friends today and whenever she's horny I'm just a phone call away. Overall a very good night.

TL;DR Some asshole was yelling at a girl, I step in get the asshole to leave. I get her number and am surprised when I reach her house.

Via coonNfriends: 

I'm not a bartender but I worked in the kitchen of a bar. I walked into work and get back in the kitchen when immediately our youngest cook who was just getting off work comes back and says “There's some dude wandering around back here, I think he's looking for the bathroom.” We have extremely easy to find customer bathrooms as soon as you walk in the door and we also have a bathroom in the back for staff. Anyways, we walk back and can't find him anywhere. I finally open up the freezer and he's standing there looking the other way. I start ” hey man you need some help finding you're way ba….WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” you can tell where I looked down and saw the hug pile of piss on the freezer floor and some real wet boxes of wings. Dude had to pay for like 5 boxes of wings and was banned.

 

Via icallmyselfmonster: 

I have been cut off:

I was trying to order a drink, where the female bar tender skipped me around 6 times, serving what appeared to be her friends. Finally I said “Am I fucking invisible”. then I got the defacto “Are you swearing at me?” To which I replied “I was making a statement, if I was swearing AT you, I would be calling you a Cunt, CUNT”

 

Via LovesScience: 

I was the bartender for my friends wedding. It was pretty low key with only close friends and family, which is great because I'm not a pro at making drinks. One guy I didn't know came up and ordered a triple jack and coke, which is odd cause its a small wedding, people usually aren't trying to get smashed of triples. After about three more he starts telling me how he used to sleep with the bride and he was going to try to do it again. After I informed him that the groom was one of my best friends and if he kept talking I'd knock his teeth out he asked me for “one for the road”, I told him “fuck yourself, you're cut off”.

 

Drunk Image via Shutterstock

Brandon Wenerd

About Brandon Wenerd...

Brandon Wenerd is BroBible's senior editor, guru of @brotips, and director of strategic partnerships. He joined BroBible in the fall of 2009 after graduating from Penn State. When he’s not writing, Brandon enjoys fishing, Phish, Philly sports, Dewey Beach, supporting live music, hot sauce, and beer. E-mail him with post ideas and news tips: brandon@brobible.com.