Life
by Tolly Taylor on December 30, 2013

#7. Do You Even Sail, Bro?:

There are two missed opportunities in this slightly rambling ad that could’ve pushed it up the list. For one, the bro neglected to quote Christopher Walken’s character in Wedding Crashers: “A sailor! Good man!” And two, how is he not writing “I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget” every other line? Step up your game, bro.

27' Sailboat – Ocean view and other benefits – $5000 (Marina Del Rey)

What does captian kurt, popeye, captain hook and tommy lee have in common? They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships. You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat. 

I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying. I present the following:

Malls & Nipple Milk
I can tell you this; the boat I am selling is less than the cost of that couch you bought at Pottery Barn* after spending 3 weeks researching it on Google**. I don't care if your favorite mall doesn't have a roof on it and has a theme. You should be ashamed of half of the mall things you spent hard earned cash money and time on. None of it will take you across oceans and it will not get you a buffaloes milk at Two Harbors (or a nimby cup). Not even close. Do you want your only source of alcohol laden milk to be your pregnant girlfriends nipple because I guarantee it doesn't have 8 types of rum and 4 types of artificial sweetener in it. If it does muchacho then you should be hanging out with jcvd on a regular basis and won't be needing this said boat. Back to your mall things.. If you add up the cost of your bed frame, mattress, headboard, box spring, stupid fancy pillows from Target, decorative duvet cover with a cool pattern from ikea and your designer pajamas it probably costs as much as I'm asking and you can have a f*$king BOAT of which can sleep 5 people and will guarantee you more bidness. You won't find that guarantee in the bedding department at Macy's. Note: your lame duvet made from rare dead birds is always on sale, you did not hit the Macy's Bed Bath and Beyond jackpot and score a 300 feather count for 35% off, everyone did and just because you laughed at some actor making fun of Bed, Bath and Beyond doesn't give you a pass for going there or not going there. And are you really spending your miniscule amount of free time on Earth counting feathers or laughing at jokes about retail stores? And by the way, if you are the type of person who covers your bed with any amount of (especially more than two) decorative pillows, please do not call about my Boat. I am not interested in selling this to a decorative pillow type which is too bad because you my friend are the type that needs this boat more than anyone.

Recreation, Drinking and Sea Monkeys 
I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time. How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being. What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea, breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer, drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed, spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs, getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform, a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales, the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots. These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things. They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to glamis or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cess pool commonly referred to as “the river” or any other so called lake. Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of “fresh water” or in a hot desert with a bunch of drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?

Fast Transport
This boat travels as fast as your Audi on the 405. 6 knots at best. And you spent over $30K. Way more than a domestic car just because of the cool logo, neat ads and foreignness of it. Not to mention the way it makes you feel when you look at it after you park it. You could have got a Ford, a 3 wheeler, a sand rail and this boats for the same price. Enough said.

360 Degree Ocean View and the Mexican Navy
Always wanted an ocean view? See above description of how lucky you are. This boat comes with an ocean view of your damn choosing! Imagine a house that could do that. Those creepy realtor types would be drooling all the way to the bank. (Please no inquiries if your picture is on your business card). For the price of a ocean front strand house you could buy a boat like this every month of the year. In fact for $3,000,000 (reasonable price for a strand house) you could buy 600 boats like this. That's more than the entire navy of Mexico. What would you do with that many boats? You could tie them together end to end and stretch them from Manhattan Beach pier to Hermosa Beach pier 1.7 times. Toss in a few more and you could have a two way sailboat highway spanning the two piers. This would be enough to move the annual 6 man party to sea and save the fun in a town loosing its charm faster than antartica is loosing glacial ice. Everyone would be happy because the kids could again dress up, beam each other with volleyballs and drink booze in the open sun on a WEEKEND. You would be the damn Kevin Bacon of the beach area. People would make movies of how you returned the joy to such an under privileged area of LA. (Math: 1.8 miles between piers = 9504' / 27' boat length = 352 boats required for a one way span.)

Screen World or Water World?
Each day the average person spends ?? hours staring at a computer screen, ?? watching a television screen, and ?? hours looking at a smart phone screen. (You do the math). The hope is that eventually there will be enough devices “invented” whereby 24 hours of your day is spent looking at a radiation emitting electronic display screens. These devices with clever names starting with i will range in size to span every increment of that Home Depot tape measure you never use. This will be toped by the inevitable invention of a gigantic screen that allows up to three people to be imbedded in, is only 2 microns thick, is named after a fruit and hurtles through outer space endlessly. I have good news for you my screen collecting swollen eyeball friend. This boat comes with an lcd tv screen and there is cell service all the way to Catalina Island! So you don't have to skip the pirate dress up wine mixer because you are worried about missing all those great things happening on social media and on dvd.

Boat Includes
– 4 sails
– Atomic four engine
– Mast
– Boom
– Hull
– Rudder
– Tiller
– The book sailing for Dummies (You must have an IQ of at least 30 to learn how to sail)
– A bow with no arrows
– A bunch of life vests

Attention Doomsday Preppers
If you are a doomsday prepper then you have just hit the powerball lottery scratch off confetti falls out of the sky jackpot. Feel free to go into one of those evangelist religious on stage convulsions right now because when shit hits the fan in L.A. (and it will) do you want to be on the roof of your liqour store with a high powered riffle or in the open ocean reading moby dick with a milky rum drink in your skilled knot tieing hands?

In Summary
This boat is cheap, it gives you access to buffaloes milk, it is more fun than your current hobbies, it is fast enough, it has an ocean view, it comes with a TV, comes with everything you need and it might be helpful in case of a disaster. Most importantly it puts you in command of a ship. Go ahead break a bottle of Champagne over the bow, leave your mall things on land and grab the tiller.

$5,000 OBO / trade offers accepted

*ARE YOU F$##KING KIDDING ME. A STORE NAMED “POTTERY” “BARN”? WHOEVER USED THIS TERRIBLE NAME TO DUPE PEOPLE OUT OF HARD EARNED MONEY INTO BUYING EVERYTHING BUT POTTERY OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A BARN AND SELLING SHIT ALL MADE IN CHINA BUT DESIGNED TO LOOK ANYTHING BUT CHINESE AND I STILL HAVENT SOLD THIS BOAT IS BEYOND ME.

** Google = Best slot machine ever invented. Insert letters instead of coins. Output hyperlinks instead of cash. Google is paid by 3rd party XYZ business for the participants pleasure of playing this terrible slot machine for “free”. But participants pay end up paying in dead brain cells instead of cash and XYZ business trades cash for a snowflakes chance in hell of converting a mouse click to a sale. Only benefit of all this is it finally puts bad newspapers out of business.

*** If you happened to buy a mattress from that old white guy who shrieks “if you find a mattress for a lower price your mattress is free!!!” please, please, please, please don't f$@king contact me. Did you really think that A-Hole is going to give away a free mattress if you found one for a lower price? Have you heard of anyone getting a free mattress from that damn place? How can our government allow such a thing. I will not give you my boat for free if you find one for less. In fact you will probably be more likely to sink would be my guess. And if you are the type that needs the government to protect you or wastes time complaining about the government also don't contact me.

 

#6. Big Ass Fenway Apartment:

You’ve heard “racks on racks on racks”? Well, this ad promises bros on bros on bros. In a funny way. Sort of. See, it’s funny when they promise to meet you on Rainbow Road in Mario Kart, but it’s less funny when you think about actually living with these three guys.

Hey there. You look like the type of person that wants to live with us. Are you a person? Do you like apartments? Do you like living with three dudes with great hair? You're fucking right you do. This apartment is big as tits. Its got two floors….”wait did he just say?”…yeah TWO FUCKING FLOORS. Big ass kitchen if you're into that stuff. I got a question you should ask yourself, do you like pooping? Well good thing you do because we have 2.5 goddamn baths bitch! that means 3 toilets, in the words of Lil Wayne you can “shit all daaayyyy”. Speaking of Lil Wayne, the two bedrooms are huge! Unfortunately, you won't have a bedroom to yourself! I know! It sucks! Kind of! But not really because you get to live in the same room as one of us and we fucking ROCK. You like couches? We got two, eat it. You like futons? We got two of those motherfuckeerrrrrrr. Futons like you read about. Let me guess, you cross me as the type of person that has a lot of clothes and shoes. Well good thing we have closets all over the place. You like walking into things? These are WALK IN CLOSETS. One in each bedroom baby! Ain't no thang. Just a couple of O.G.'s trying to find a roommate who wants to hang out with some awesome looking men, thats right we're men, well at least I am, not much of a man, but a man. You like sloths? SO DO WE. We can't own one, nobody can, but we can imagine how awesome it would be to have A FUCKING SLOTH IN THIS AWESOME FUCKING APARTMENT. Yeah its sweet. No pets though. There's a communal rooftop deck which means if we have a semi hot neighbor we can watch her over the four foot fence that separates us from normal people. You like Perrier water? That sucks, we piss in perrier, perrier in the toilets, champagne in the faucets. We ball. Groceries are fun, good thing there is shaw's supermarket less than 500 yards away thats 5 football fields if you're into math. We have a Nintendo 64, wanna Mario Kart? I'll see you on Rainbow Road bitch. See we lead pretty simple lives. We eat steak, we drink whiskey, we enjoy the occasional cigar. One of those is a lie, actually two, maybe three I'm not really sure. I can't smoke, it makes me cough, my friend can't eat steak I think he caught the gay, and the last kid doesn't drink because we are “underage” (*finger quotes) but rules were made to be broken, just like bones. You know what they say, when in Kiev, do as the Kievans do. Or something along those lines. We appreciate your time and we're glad you read this because we need a roommate really bad and whatnot.

 

#5. Missed Connection Stuck the Landing

This one was pretty shocking – until I read number three on this list. Still, in its own right, pretty stellar stuff: girl services guy (at a restaurant) before servicing guy (in a bathroom, with a $100 tip). Uh huh, check and check. The twist? She wants more.

Gansevoort bathroom in January – w4m – 24 (West Village)

I was your cocktail waitress 3 weeks ago at the rooftop. You were there on a Wednesday night with your friends(?) or clients from work. You said you worked for GS, but you might have just said whatever. I mean, what does a dumb bitch like me know, right? You flirted with me and asked me what I did other than work here and I told you I'm in acting school. You were really hot in that asshole lacrosse kinda way with your blonde hair and broad shoulders, maybe 29, 30. You followed me to the bathroom and grabbed my tits and hair pushed down. I got on my knees and sucked your cock. I didn't know what else to do. Then you blew a load on my face and stuck a $100 bill on it. You walked out without saying anything, when I straightened up and came out your table already settled. And left me a nice tip. I wish you left me a card but you probably didn't want me to know your real name or where you really worked.

I'd just leave it at that, and apply it to my acting, but the trouble is that I really liked it. You made me feel like a fucking cheap chinky whore. I wanna do it again but you don't need to tip me. Get in touch, please. We don't have to date. I just really liked pleasing you.

 

#4. VSU College Girl Posts:

…I….um…whaaa? Is this real life? This girl wants FSU frat guys to line up while she drops down and gets her gloryhole on. All she’s asking, you guys, is for a little anonymity. Totally reasonable request – if she were asking a group of nuns. But she’s asking an entire frat to keep quiet about their gloryhole ventures. Riiiiiiiight.

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#3. Mother Wants Son Laid:

Some might question the authenticity of this post, but it’s real. Wanna know how I know? Because she titles it, “Sugar Baby for my Son.” You know who says Sugar Baby? Mothers. Mothers who don’t know shit from shinola. Ad validated.

#2. Subaru Legacy:

So much good here. Highlights include: “Probably dead zombies over here” (as opposed to living zombies), “#jokez,” and “Oh shit is that a hood scoop.” Dude’s selling a 1997 Subaru Legacy Outback, but he makes it sound like a 1960 Ferrari. My favorite part? His repeated assurances that Kate Upton loves Subarus. What a salesman.

YOUR LEGACY STARTS HERE (1997 Subaru Legacy Outback) – $2000 (Royal Oak)

HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING CAR
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CAR
IT'S A 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK
BITCHES LOVE 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACKS (SOURCE: THE BITCHES)

WHAT YOU THINK 2 WHEEL DRIVE IS ENOUGH FOR YOUR COMMUTE?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE COMMUTING THROUGH AN APOCALYPTIC ZOMBIE HORDE
YOU CAN'T AFFORD A KEY LOSS OF TRACTION WHEN THE FLESH EATERS ARE BANGING ON YOUR REINFORCED GLASS WINDOWS
GOOD THING THIS SUBARU IS 4 FUCKING WHEEL DRIVE

THIS CAR ROCKS AN AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION 
SO IT'S FOR YOU CLASSY FUCKERS TOO BUSY BANGING THE PROM QUEEN TO WORRY ABOUT WORKING THE CLUTCH

OH AND NEWSFLASH FUCKERS
IT'S WINTER
THIS IS MICHIGAN, HOMES, IT GETS COLD
NOBODY'S GOING TO WANT TO MAKE OUT IN A FUCKING NEON WITH BUSTED HEAT

LUCKILY THIS SUBARU HAS HEATED GODDAMNED SEATS SO WHILE YOU'RE FRENCH KISSING KATE UPTON (kate upton loves subarus) YOU'LL KEEP BOTH OF YOUR FINE ASSES TOASTY
THOR DIDN'T SLAY THE FROST GIANTS OF JOTUNHEIMR FOR YOU TO BE COLD ON THE WAY TO WORK
HE'D BE ALL LIKE, “NAY, PURCHASE THIS HORSELESS CHARIOT WITH HEATED SEATES”

BUT LIKE, THOR HAD GOATS NOT HORSES
BUT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DEBATE THE MERITS OF YOUR FAVORITE BEAST OF BURDEN WHILE BLASTING YOUR FAVORITE JAMZ OUT OF THESE UPGRADED SPEAKERS (kate upton loves upgraded speakers)

AND OH YEAH
THIS BEAST HAS CRUISE CONTROL
TRULY, YOU ARE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DOMAIN

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS DONE 180,000 MILES AND IS STILL GOING STRONG
I HEAR IF YOU BREAK 200,000 YOU GET TO ENTER YOUR INITIALS IN THE HIGH SCORE SCREEN
SURE IT GOT SOME DAMAGE WHEN I WAS TOKYO DRIFTING WITH VIN DIESEL, BUT THE DAMAGE IS 100% SUPERFICIAL. THE CAR WORKS SO FUCKING GOOD BECAUSE I SPENT A DRAGON'S HOARD WORTH OF GOLD TO REPLACE THE PARTS
THE ONLY REASON I'M GETTING RID OF IT IS BECAUSE I'M MOVING TO A FAR OFF LAND WHERE PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS A THING

BILL CLINTON WAS PRESIDENT BACK IN 1997 AND HE ABSOLUTELY SLAYED PUSSY
IF YOU BUY THIS 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK YOU WILL TOO
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LOGIC WORKS

SO RISE, YOU BADASS NEW GOD, AND CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE INSIDE THIS CAR

 

 

#1. Jeep Cherokee:

This post isn’t just selling you a car; it’s teaching you how to be a man. Don’t own a toolbox and never changed your oil? Wrong car for you, claims the seller. The message? Buy a damn toolbox and learn how to change your oil. So many of these little gems in here, it’s pretty much a self-help guide masquerading as a sales ad. Gotta love it.

1997 Jeep Cherokee  (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6 
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission 
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS!  Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee.  This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import.  It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep.  It rides like a Jeep.  It drives like a Jeep.  All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used.  This will be apparent in the pictures.

If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?  
Have you ever uttered the words, “Hold my beer and watch this …”?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, “I could hit that from here with the .22 …”?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
    -could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?

If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner.  First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil.  How much?  I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points.  
    I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive.  Not enough to bother me.  
-It leaks a little oil.  How much?  Not enough for me to care.  It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
    If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it.  I dented it backing into a concrete pole.  Sober.
    We drove away giggling, for the record.  Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak.  Pinhole.  I can replace the radiator or you can.  Really doesn't matter
    A new radiator and hoses will run $145.  If you don't want to replace them I will.  
    Add $250 to the price of vehicle.  This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer).  A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ. 
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly 
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles.  I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
    Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17″ Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
    Life got in the way – it ain't happening.  
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay.  My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well.  They kick ass, so there.  

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
    I can't justify owning it anymore.  Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
    Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is:  awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
    Radiator.  Small oil leaks.  Driver's side door cosmetic issues.  
    And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked.  It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
    Hell yes.  Like a Dickensian Orphan.  

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
    No.  I'm not in the salvage business.  Buy the Jeep.  Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
    No.  If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
    Want a cheap car?  Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit honda project down the road.  
    I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
    Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
    I haven't had the time to do so.  So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6″ lift and giant tires on it?
    I don't give a shit.  But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake – get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
    Hell.  Yes.  Not only a good car, a learning experience.  Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
    Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
    Within reason.  I'd drive it a hundred miles or so.  But really, you should come get it.  Look it over.  Have a beer.  Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
    Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
    No.  I'll take Cash.  Period.  Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
    No.  See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
    That's great, I don't give a shit.  Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750.  
    Why?  Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty.  Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
    But if it's going to a good home – I will sell.  Unless you're an asshole – then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
    Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.

 

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