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We have been getting an ass load of emails lately so we decided to implement a new policy: we will only answer questions from people without learning disabilities. Yeah, it’s kind of a non-PC policy, but odds are those people wouldn't absorb any of what they read anyways, right? So for the person who asked if we had a preference in Axe products or the jokester who inquired about what it’s like when a Bro has an org*sm (it’s obviously like a firing railgun), your questions will not be included in this round-up. Now on to this week’s mail bag — let's start with an easy one.
Q. Redheads. Hot or not?
A. So f*cking hot. Unless they’re ugly. Next question.
Q. O.K., let me just start by saying that I love my boyfriend and we have great sex. But I’ve always been really submissive in bed and dabbled in light S&M before we started dating. I really want to try the things that turn me on the most with my current boyfriend but I’m scared it will freak him out. This is part of who I am and I’m afraid if I can’t show this part of myself then I’ll look for it somewhere else. Should I bring this up to him or look elsewhere to fulfill my fantasies? I don’t want to cheat on him but miss being tied up, gagged, blindfolded, and spanked.
A. First of all, I would certainly bring this up to him prior to looking elsewhere. As a matter of fact, leave cheating to those without spines, altogether, especially if you love this guy.
Broaching this topic is going to evoke one of two outcomes: He will in fact be freaked out by it and question whether your entire relationship should continue; or, he will be intrigued, and possibly even refreshed, by the thought of it. After all, no man wants to be stuck in the same sexual routine.
If you are scared to do this, just know that most guys have inner fetishes they don’t tell anyone about. Girlfriends included. And it’s for the same “I don’t want to freak her out by my lusting for Asians” reasons you have. You never know, this may be his idea of a good time too. But then again, it may not be. He might be into something completely different, like violating you with balloon animals, or some other wacky shit. You’ll never know if you don’t ask. And you may even be able to find an area of compromise. Like he might not want to strangle you, but smacking your ass might be a viable option.
In the end, you both need to be with someone who can punch all the sexual buttons you need punched. That desire is always going to be there for you and if you can’t get it from him it’s better to find out now rather than figuring out how to repress it forever.
Q. One of my best Bros is graduating after a victory lap and a half (5 and a half years...), and I was wondering if it would be considered Bro or not to get him a graduation present? What is your stance on this?
A. Of course it's O.K. to get him something. But make sure it is testosterone driven and while you're at it get something you both can enjoy. Like a good bottle of booze, box of stogies, tickets to a game, or a hooker. Save the sappy, "you're entering the real world so here's a briefcase" presents for chicks and his parents.
Q. I'm curious if there is any information out there regarding liquor, or combinations of alcohol that are known to give you whiskey dick, and if there are spirits that endow just the opposite.
I’ve been borderline “I'll see you tomorrow when I find my vomit-covered phone passed out on someone’s lawn” drunk, and yet still managed to drill slams like Peter f*cking North. But after drinking brandy recently (never really drink the stuff), I got whiskey dick and started thinking about this.
Are there like booze equivalents to Viagra? Is whiskey dick random? Does this even make any f*cking sense?
A. Drunk sex is unbelievable for a reason. You’re drunk, you’re willing to do vile things, and alcohol reduces your dick’s ability to feel… anything. This, of course, makes all men -- even the quickest draws – f*ck like Gods. It is also why your dick doesn’t function sometimes and why drunk sex with a condom is an uphill battle that could result in flaccid frustration and the nickname Eddie.
Alcohol’s great gifts in the bedroom are also its curse. But you and your soft-serve cock already knew that, didn’t you? While brandy has caused you this unspeakable grief, there actually isn’t an exact liquor, or combination of, that is said to induce or repel whiskey dick. So maybe it is random? Experts seem to think so. That said, some experts also say that the ideal number of drinks for a person to receive optimum sexual benefits from booze is two. I wholly disagree with that statement. It is nonsensical. I do agree that there is a limit of what you can drink so your pen*s still works — that number is probably somewhere in the teens, but who the f*ck stops themselves or feels the least bit drunk after two drinks?
There is clearly no exact science to any of this. It's all one big game of trial and error. Until you find that happy medium, just remember that shit happens when you drink. A dead dick can sometimes be that “shit.” It sucks and there is no miracle booze or concoction that you can swill to make sure you never feel the wrath of whiskey dick again. But there are those pills you mentioned. And depending on your age, Viagra (or the like) isn’t too hard to get from your own doctor. So instead of looking like a moron -- standing with your dick in your hand giving it a pep talk and the helicopter treatment -- take the proactive route and keep some E.D. pills handy. That way, if your cock doesn’t want to comply, you can force it to.
Q. I am having a really hard time finding my Bros fake IDs so they can come out with me to the bars. Any suggestions.... online maybe?
Most fake IDs made on the street are complete shit. Even a brain-dead bouncer can see the “key” hologram on them or tell the obvious differences.
A. Online purchasing is risky. There is no way to deduce who is monitoring that shit, if the operation is legit, or if the ID you get will even be worthwhile. I haven’t needed a fake ID in years but I would expect the worst and to be ripped off if I was buying one online. Bros, please chime in if you have some ideas on online buying or reputable sites.
Another option is to get a hand-me-down ID from a Bro who is now legal. Or, get an older Bro who looks like you to go to the DMV and say he lost his ID. Then they can give the old one to you, and the DMV will issue them a new one. The old one probably won’t swipe as the DMV will deactivate it, but as long as you resemble the actual photo, a bouncer who merely eye balls it won’t know if it is deactivated or not.
My personal best,