Life
by Fitz E Fresh on March 19, 2014

Mila-Kunis-Friends-with-Benefits

Ask a Babe, comin’ in sexy and completely female (you’ll get that reference later). Submit your questions below.

Q: This chick and I have agreed to be friends with benefits because she doesn’t want anything serious for the rest of college after being in a three year relationship. She’s been upset that I have gotten jealous of the idea she can talk to other guys, but I can’t help it. Am I being reasonable considering we aren’t gonna date, but still want to be exclusive, or am I just being a pussy?

A: My mother once told me that the best way to get what you want most is to behave as if it’s the thing you could live without. If you play it cool around her and other dudes, she’ll be thrown by your confidence and ultimately return to your side by the end of the night.

If you act like an insecure jealous-ridden dickhead, it’s just going to push her away more.

So no; I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re being a pussy.

But I do believe that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t be “exclusive” but still not be dating. That’s not how shit works. In fact, it’s the opposite– when you decide to be exclusive, you’re dating; when you decide you’re dating, you become exclusive.

Pretty cut and dry.

Either date this girl–which it pretty much sounds like you want to do– and in doing so gain the right to be a jealous boyfriend, or keep fucking her on the casual and back off her whenever you aren’t.

Nobody is saying you guys have to exchange promise rings or frame couples pics on your wall; you don’t even have to think about what will happen after college.

I went into my senior year of college bracing for a no-holds-barred, I don’t give a fuck, goddamn free-for-all last jaunt– and I ended up leaving college with the best boyfriend a babe could ask for.

These are the things that simply cannot be planned.

 

Q: I’ve been dating a girl for over a year. We broke up and then I found out she slept with some kid. It crushed me, but now she’s trying to say she wants to be friends and work on us. I don’t know what to do. Seems like she wanted to play a game with me and see what I’d do. What should I do to save face and is she genuine?

A: So you’re saying…she fucked some other dude while you were dating. And now she wants to be friends…and you think you need to save face. Are we done here?

This girl is not worth your time. In fact, she’s more like a succubus that should be avoided at all costs.
You’re correct in that she is playing you; you’re incorrect in thinking there’s a shred of possibility that she’s genuine or worth returning to. You’re young, you’re dumb, and all of that is okay – learn from shitty relationships so you can avoid making the same mistake down the road.

But do NOT– I repeat, DO NOT revisit the things in your past that you know will only bring you pain.

Q: My girl is awesome. She wouldn’t be a 10 to everyone but she is a 10 to me. Anyhow we like to get it on and one of her favorite turn-ons is when I suck on her nipple. She loves it, I love it, it’s a win-win situation. However the last time I pulled that succulent nipple into my lips I pulled away with a hair..a rather long hair that was still attached to her nipple. Not wanting to embarrass my woman I didn’t say anything. The next time I visited said nipple the hair was still there and thriving. 
 
Again I said nothing. A MONTH LATER the hair has made this nipple it’s permanent home. How do I tell her to get rid of it?

A: Gut reaction? Stealthy mid-sleep tweezer pluck.

Only kidding. Sort of.

There’s really…just…not a way to tell your girlfriend to manage the state of her nipple fur.

Ew. I even grossed myself out there.

But instead of deleting that I’ll just allow you suckers to suffer too.

Anyways; where were we?

Ah yes; long, stringy, stinky (added that for affect) nipple hair.

Frankly I’m a little confused as to how she hasn’t noticed herself– it really just seems like something you might catch at any given point when you glance in the mirror.

Then again, if she “wouldn’t be a 10 to everyone” as you say, maybe just holds herself to those low standards and doesn’t give a fuck if her nipples are sprouting unsightly body hair.

Maybe she grows them long intentionally then harvests them for wigs.

Maybe she thinks you just accept her for who she is.

Regardless of my erroneous theories, she probably just doesn’t notice; and you probably just can’t say anything.

I don’t know how freaky you guys get but next time you’re mouth is on that thing, I’d use my teeth and rip the fucker out. If she yelps out in pain, claim it as an accident.

Really the best you can do.

 

Q: I’m the “sick fuck” who asked about your looks last week, I was just trying to get to know you better on a superficial basis like the gentleman I am. How do we know you’re even a babe and not J. Camm living out some sick fantasy double dipping for the site? A lot of my bro’s read BroBible and think you’re entirely to funny/clever/witty to be a girl, me included. Call us sexist bastards or bigots, but we have no proof of your babe-hood.

A: For someone who doesn’t believe, you sure do invest a lot of time being skeptical. You’re like the 9-year old who tells his parents Santa isn’t real but still leaves out home-decorated sugar cookies and a meticulously detailed Christmas list.

If the ask-a-bro author’s “sick fantasy” was answering twice as many of your bozo questions from a girl’s perspective, he wouldn’t be sick–he’d pretty much just be really fucking bored.

Funnily enough, I did pass this inquiry along to J. Camm so he could enjoy a solid Wednesday morning chuckle. The guy needs to take a load off after all, what with spending half of his time thinking like a woman….

And we agreed that the only way to settle this would be to send you a nudie to confirm my babe status so you shut the fuck up once and for all.

But there’s a catch.

In order to receive such valuable and highly sought after data, you’ve gotta prove yourself.

I’m requesting: one screenshot of a conversation between you and the girl at the top of your to-do list; including a dick pic with a suggestive caption and her response.

If you haven’t learned yet, ain’t no good shit comes for free and evidence of my sexiness is no exception.

If you don’t send one, it will affect me in no way.

Literally no one will be upset.

Except for maybe you and your super smart “bros” who have decided not only that girls aren’t clever or witty, but that you’re somehow the authority on the topic.

The reason you guys conjectured this mid-circle jerk is because no girl with an IQ over 20 will let you dumb fucks hit on her for more than one minute before texting her friends for backup about “these boring guys who want to buy us drinks”. Its not girls who are boring and unintelligent; its you.

And with that, I bid you adieu.

Oh, and in case you missed where it was weaved in– go fuck yourself.

Xoxo

[J.Camm's note: No, I am not our Ask a Babe. I barely have time to get Ask a Bro written each week, let alone write from a female's mostly insane perspective. Also, while I love Fitz E. Fresh dearly, I have just a touchhhhh more respect for grammar than she does. End note.]

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