Life
by Fitz E Fresh on April 7, 2014

unhappy-girlfriend-relationship-bad

Submit your Ask a Babe questions at the bottom of the column.

Q: Oh Great Babe-ino, 

This question all starts back at the beginning of my freshman year. I had been dating a girl from my high school for 2 years and, being introspective, decided that coming to college meant NO MORE girlfriend; aka, get to the choppa, it’s poon-slaying time. So I went to college and slayed as much poon as my little friend desired, and 2 months in, realized I had made a really big mistake in leaving the girl I loved for some cheap pussy. I talked to her about it and we got back together. (Also an important (embarrassing) note, she’s still in high school, planning on going to the same college as me next year).

So we’re pulling the long distance shit for 5 more months, both happy, still seeing each other every other weekend or so until Valentine’s Day comes up… when she decides to ask how many girls I slept with when we were broken up. Low blow, I know. So I made a good equation, divided by 2, subtract 2 and gave her the answer of… 2. She flipped a shit, drove all the way home… 3 weeks later dumps me, fucks some guy at a party 4 days later, so I agreed we shouldn’t talk for a while, maybe figure things out when I come home in the summer.

My question to you is, since I know there’s a good chance she will come back after all of this, is it a bitch move of me to let her? The
immediate answer in my head keeps telling me yes, very bitch move, but in her defense… I did the same thing coming to college; kind of taking a break to step back and realize who I was and what was important to me, and it ultimately made my relationship with her
better, not having to wonder what it would be like. Assuming that’s what she does, what do I do? 1000 pardons

-Buzz Lightbeer

A: To be clear, I initially chose to reply to this inquiry based almost entirely on your sign-off name, and not this essay of a question (or your self-proclaimed “poon-slaying” ability.)

Now, to your revisiting a stale, spoiled and forever unclean relationship, I say shame on you, motherfucker. And to a high schooler, who got her hopes up for the SUPER-long run; which you then crushed by admitting (only part of) the truth behind your scoundrel behavior.

You’ve officially dug back into your own grave after escaping it once. Boy, your shit is all over the place. I get it, you had your fun out on the prowl, but suddenly felt the need for some balance in your life. Some consistency, provided by a girl who gives a shit and really knows you. Everybody needs a little of that in their lives. But you must learn, as all players and swindlers (regardless of gender) must learn—it’s one or the other. You can’t have both. Nor can you expect your partner to lay down and take your lying cheating ways like a bitch.

Frankly I don’t blame your girlfriend for going on a mini-bender, and neither should you. It’s fucking child’s play compared to your romps which, need I remind you, you lied to her about—so suck it the fuck up, man.

The “low blow” was most definitely not on her part; she knows you well enough to assume, correctly, that you were on a fucking free-for-all while you weren’t with her. If you put yourself in her shoes, it’s pretty hard to imagine not wondering the same thing. And based on her response, she CLEARLY did not bone anyone else in your time apart. So do yourself a favor and “assume” nothing in regards to whether or not she returns to your side.

If you ruminate on this for a little longer and still feel strongly that you want to be serious with her, you need to prepare to repent for your sins. The workload of bringing it all back home is on you, not her.

Best of luck, Buzz lightbeer. God knows you’re gonna need it—to infinity, and beyond!!!

Q: So I met this girl on a snowboard trip to Austria in February. She was a Dane like me, and long story short I banged her like the ferocious Danish viking I am. When I got home she texted me and said she would like to spend a weekend of banging with me. I instantly said yes, but before she came, I made it clear that I was under no circumstances interested in a relationship. To my surprise she was still down. Skip two weeks ahead and i picked her up at the train station, took her to dinner before I took her to bed, because that’s how classy I am. A sore dick and two days later I put her on the train and shipped her off. All in all the perfect weekend.

She sent me a text about three days later in which she said “i´m sure you would be the perfect boyfriend” and I replied “thanks” now I saw in which direction this was taking and I started to feel like complete douchebag, because I only had used this girl for sex. The following weeks she texted me quite a lot and I even made it clear I wasn’t interested again.

I told one of my Female Bros and she went total jihad on me and said I was a complete D-bag, I asked her why and she replied that couldn’t use women like a piece of meat.

My question to you Oh great, glorious and all knowing Babe, have I treated this girl like a complete asshole? Because I’m starting to feel a bit like one.

-The danish viking

A: To the Danish Viking whom it may concern:

I dedicated a few minutes of thoughtful contemplation and a re-read to your query. Sometimes there exists a fine line between having fun and using/abusing, but despite the thrashings from your Female Bro, it seems to me that you established and maintained a reasonable platform for strictly fucking this (clearly horny) Danish Vikette.

“Using” others for sex doesn’t have to be a harmful one-sided thing; It’s often mutually beneficial, and fucking awesome when that’s the
case. Of course after three days of back-to-back orgasms, she’s bound to muse about what it would be like to have those kinds of expertise at her disposal at all times. Shit, who wouldn’t?

Now, if this relationship continues, it will be important for you to closely monitor its development. Meaning, if you keep taking and she starts wanting, you need to bow out gracefully. That’s where you cross the line into douchebaggery, and from the sounds of it that’s what you want to avoid.

Until then, you do you. Rest up that dick of yours, and make sure to perform routine maintenance at the STD clinic for good measure.

Q: So I have a dilemma;:I dated this girl in college who was amazing, but I was in college and an idiot. Which took a lot to admit. Well, after five years I finally convinced her to give me another chance.

Things are going very well, and we have talked a bunch about getting married. The question here is, how much do I spend on the ring?

After being an idiot all those years ago, figured it was probably my time to make up for it.

A: soOoOo many dating quandaries today. Doesn’t somebody have a third nipple we can talk about?

Anyways, regardless of your shithead status, girls are fucking divas when it comes to the diamond. (But your shitheadiness definitely doesn’t help.)

They hold it out in every picture, allow it to be analyzed and fawned over by coworkers, friends and family members, and frankly might decide whether or not they’re “ready” based on the size of that rock. It’s shallow to be sure but hey—we all have our faults. Incidentally that last word just autocorrected to “fats,” which I guess also applies.

I digress.

You want a number? Let’s talk numbers.

Three months paycheck, if you’re financially able to do so without fully breaking the bank. $5-$10k if you know that it’s not her top priority, and burn a little extra on the honeymoon. And nothing at all, if you have a generous mom with a gorgeous heirloom she’s willing to pass down.

Q: My gf and I broke up last night. Now let’s backtrack… We were going strong for around ten months. One day she meets up with her ex to “catch up” (she is still friends with him) and talk about his family (who is going through a divorce). Later that day she comes back to me and says she still has feelings for her him—a fat dude she dated for 3 years in high school.

I figured it was just because he had just started dating another girl. But the feelings just didn’t go away after three weeks of fighting and fucking. Finally ends up in us calling it quits since she’s currently emotionally unstable. Should I wait around till she figures out her emotions or on to the next one?

A: That ones sort of up to you, buddy. If she openly admitted to having feelings for another dude, well, it’s probably true. Which means she’s thought about getting back together with him and has potentially already boned the guy behind your back. I don’t wanna shatter your hopes and dreams here, but let’s be realistic. If you don’t make your mind up about what you want and act on it literally immediately, fat ex-boyfriend will be in her pants faster than you can say high school sex. Which is a separate and wildly boring story in itself.

She will take all the legroom you give her, so don’t let her take advantage of you. But if you care for her, fight for her. It’s the only way to do it.

Q: Dear babe, I am in dire need of your help, I am trying to get out of my year and a half long relationship. I have broken up with my long distance girlfriend/ex girlfriend about 5 times in the last week and she will not accept it. She keeps trying to text me and say that she will change and is sort of just acting crazy in general. I have no interest in being in a long distance relationship but she is acting like she will die without me. What do I do?

A: Sounds to me like you’re in need of a restraining order. The breadth of my advice only reaches so far, and preventing you from getting murdered in your sleep is not within my realm of control.

You can’t just.. .not accept a breakup. That’s not how shit works. Thankfully for you, she’s not in the same state. But going back to the
whole stalker/restraining order thing, she could be within a number of hours driving distance, so lock your fucking doors. I hate saying this, but I don’t think you’re being mean enough. I just don’t. If she has any inkling that she has a shot at being with you, you haven’t been clear enough in how little you want to do with her.

Bring out the big guns: Block her number. Unfriend her on Facebook. And keep a taser gun on hand at all times until things cool down.

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