Life
by J. Camm on November 18, 2013

Email I got from my black homie, just had to share it:

Warning, this might contain strong language.

Epic Halloween story:

Anyone who would've seen me on halloween would have agreed: my costume was full out swag to the max. Bitches loved it plain and simple.

At the club I run into this chick who is notorious for having the most ratchet ass friends imaginable. Should of just walked away, mistake one.

She introduces me to her friend (white of course) who is dressed like a ballerina and tells me how she loves my costume. “Nigger in Paris,” at this point she drops the hard “r” so I know I can play the sympathetic black man card. So I introduce myself as my alter ego Kylé from Montego Bay, Jamaica. She ate it up.

So I then make her feel bad for dropping the hard “r” and out of no where she leans in for the kiss. Now unlike some of my frat brothers I like to round first base. So it's time to make the moves.

I take her to the dance floor and show her my good dance moves. Proceeds to get profusely wet, slipping all over the dance floor. I now have her grinding on me and I start finger blasting the shit out of her. Some delt notices it and goes for the high five. Of course I don't deny him of that, so I give him one (with the dirty hand heheh).

Time for the close. We leave leave the club and go back to my place. Of course I have to fulfill my costume and give her a French mustache ride. Five minutes later I realized I haven't had that mustache since I left the club. Mistake two.

I get up and tell her to blow me. Command accepted and she gave me a pretty average bj. She swallows I roll over per usual ready to fall asleep.

This is where it gets weird boys. So she goes to the bathroom and I hear a familiar sound. Plop. WTF?! I quickly get up because I thought I was just hearing something. One more plop. My instincts kick in and I freak the fuck out! I start banging on the door yelling at her. “Bitches don't shit! You stupid whore get out!” At this point I realized she was holding in a shit the entire time I was munching (forever unclean)! She opens up the door eventually, obviously crying. I throw her stupid tutu at her and kick her out.

Passed out naked in my bed minutes later.

No more free mustache rides.

Silver lining: at least your friend didn't tongue jab her fart box scant moments before it made plop plop in the toilet. And spoiler alert: Oh yes, bitches be shittin.' 

This story is about how I ruined a hook-up buddy relationship with a hot girl. Enjoy.

One night my Sophomore year of college, a couple of my friends and I decided that we were tired of frat parties, and wanted to use our fake IDs to go out to the bars.

We started drinking heavily early, and put down most of a leftover handle of Southern Comfort while waiting for a ride to the bar. After that things get hazy, but we ordered a lot of shots at the bar and went back to the fraternity thoroughly sloshed.

There was still party going on, and some girl came up and whispered “You're so hot” to me and told me to take her into my room. I was beyond drunk, and this was good enough for me. The rest of this story is told from my roommate's perspective because I blacked out.

ROOMMATE: It's like 3am and you come in the door with some girl. I peeked from my bed and she was a big ol' girl. You start making out on the futon with this nasty girl, and then start arguing. She kept asking you to fuck her, you said no, and asked her to blow you. This argument went on for a good 5 minutes in-between makeouts, and finally, I guess you won because I started hearing what were clearly dick-sucking noises.

Then suddenly I hear “Oh shit…oh shit…” You threw up on her. On her head as she was going down on you to be precise. I rolled over to see what was going on, and you were on the floor on all fours violently throwing up on our carpet.

There's a naked fat girl on the futon next to you, cleaning vomit off of her saying “Come back up here!” in an attempted sexy voice. In between hurling, you yelled at her to leave you alone and get out of the room.

She put some clothes on and left. You passed out in your hamper…with no pants on.

BACK TO ME: I woke up the next morning in my bed, wearing a button-up shirt and no pants or underwear. My roommate, being the great guy that he is, cleaned up the puke. I was hungover until about 7 PM the next day and found a pair of Medium sized underwear under our table. Later that day I get a text from the girl I was hooking up with: “I can't fucking believe you hooked up with (fat girl), find a new formal date. That's so gross.”

They were sorority sisters.

Nothing to see here. Just a guy momentarily ruining his life by banging a fat chick. Moving on.

After being in a relationship for two years of college, I wanted to be a ruthless bastard in my final year; and to say the least I was that and more. It was the annual Superbowl party at the lacrosse house so we had five kegs lined up for the boys after our football game for the festivities. We started off doing keg stands before mixing in some funnels and playing flip cup. Within two hours I was absolutely folded.

My “girl”, we shall call her  Amanda, had just arrived. Next thing I remember I was stumbling around the house trying to challenge everyone to one-on-one flip cup. I was told later that I got tapped on the back by a teammate and was so folded I went face first into the ground. After that, I remember tumbling down the stairs where I was pulled into the bathroom by my teammates while puking all over myself. Luckily, Amanda was a nurse in training and took care of me for the next several hours while I passed out in the washroom with puke all over the place. She put me into a bed with the help of my buddies where I soon passed out.

Hours later, I get woken up to Amanda telling me she is putting her best friend in the bed who is also inebriated beyond belief. She tells me “don’t you dare hook up with her or Ill cut your nuts off,” well that definitely didn’t stop me. Shortly after, I found myself fucking this random girl in the dark without knowing what she looked like, her name, if she was legal…no domer, nothing!  We continued to fuck each other even getting interrupted time after time by Amanda who merely thought we were sleeping. She rides me like a porn star and wants me to cum all over her. I’m liking where her head is at but still have no clue what she looks like. I never got to finish because we kept getting interrupted by Amanda and her friends. Eventually, we both turn the lights on, to my amazement she is good looking and a solid 7. Before I know it, she is going crazy looking for her grandmother’s necklace, which I am completely oblivious to as what is going on. My buddy comes in and even tries to help as she is almost in tears and I’m standing with a blanket around me and she is barely clothed. She never is able to find it, but I go upstairs to find my best friend on the couch at which this point I tell him at the top of my lungs “I just cracked double digits, number 10 finally.  I found out two days later, that the girl I just banged was standing behind me the whole time and stormed out of the house in tears. My bad….

Later that night “my girl” comes up to me and tells me that she knows what I did, even though she thinks I only made out with her best friend. As I’m laughing in my head cause she has no idea I stuck it in her best friend, she slaps me across the face. All I can say, it was definitely worth the slap because 1) I fucked her best friend 2) I end up fucking Amanda several times later that semester and ditching her before the end of school. And yes I ended up getting an STD test cause I didn’t know how big of a slut this girl was, fortunately I was clean and later found out I was her second kill and she just turned 18, all in all one hell of a Superbowl… even though I missed the entire game. Go Ravens?

NEXT!

After a drunken Tuesday night during Halloween week at the bars I met up with a girl, who's a good friend of mine, to split a cab back to our residence hall.  Both of us are plastered and we stumble up to my room.  Within a few minutes we started hooking up.  Now an important part to this story is that this girl used to hook up with one of my roommates, however this is not the first time we've hooked up.  So as things are getting hot and heavy she sits up and utters the words, “Too weird.”  This chick is literally on top of me, and is talking about the show “Gossip Girl”.  Shit!  So eventually she falls asleep on my lap, and keep in mind I am still belligerently drunk.  Now I'm exhausted and have to piss, so I for whatever reason I didn't feel like walking to the bathroom.  Inexplicably I got up from the couch, pissed all over the TV in my living room, and went to bed.  A few hours later I wake up to find the girl was gone, so I cleaned the piss off the TV and found that my late night wiz had broken it.  Later that day I get a text from the girl asking why the TV was all wet.  I respond, “No clue.”

I know a guy who has this exact same pissing on valuable things while drunk problem. He also has the same name as me and I see him everytime I look in the mirror. No homo, but he is a really good looking guy. 

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_

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