Life
by J. Camm on May 22, 2013

Q: Not gonna beat around the bush on this one: On a scale from 1 to 10 how creepy is it to friend request (and possibly message) hot freshman girls on the incoming freshman Facebook page for your school?

A: Overzealous. Superfluous. And CREEPY AS FUCK. Have you ever received a random friend request and accompanying message from a chick you never met on Facebook? After initially thinking, “I knew changing my photo to a topless selfie was the right move. My hard nips are ON POINT,” the next logical thought has to be “this bitch must have something wrong with her.” Well, remove the first thought and that is what a young, impressionable, rising freshman girl will think when you come along trying to spit game on Facebook before you even meet.

Facebook is not Tinder. Everyone isn't there to swap herpes. I mean, what would your icebreaker even be? “Hey Kyla, I know this sounds pathetic but I was passing time last Friday night leafing through every photo of incoming freshman on our School's Facebook page and I came across your picture. After I put my sock back into the hamper, I knew I had to request and message you. We should meet up when school starts three months from now.” 

As with everything there are exceptions to the norm — some offensively idiotic chicks may love this tactic — so that is why I'm only rating this a hard 10 on the scale of creepiness and not going all Spinal Tap, tossing out an 11. 

Q: Urgent question…I'm 18 and a virgin :( I get a decent amount of girls and have gotten head a few times, but never all the way. this older girl i know (20) has openly told me she wants to fuck — but she's not very hot. I definitely wouldn't call her ugly, but she's not the hottest and not really a slut but pretty trashy — basically i know i can do better b/c I have before. My question is: Do I fuck her? Should your first time be with someone hot/memorable or does it not matter and I should just get it over with?

A: I will never forget the first girl I had sex with, not because she was special (at the time she was, now her existence is inconsequential) but because she was the first. It also happened to be my worst sexual effort EVER; we had unprotected sex three times that night and, collectively, I may have lasted two blistering minutes.

Of course you never forget your first, but you may not even forget the next five after your first, I still remember all of mine. It's from 6 – 100 — or wherever you decide to stop — that will be a magnificent blur.  So you really have to ask yourself this: If I'm not going to marry her (let's face it, you're probably not) does it matter to me if my first time isn't with someone special?

I've got no business answering that question for you or telling anyone where to snake their cock, but if I could turn back time and become you for a day, this chick's dick ditch wouldn't know what hit it. Mainly because the virgin, 17-year-old me nutted at the speed of light.

By the way, cut the shit with the frowny-face emoticons.

Q: Famed Jonah Falcon (guy with worlds biggest penis) said he used to suck his own dick when he was younger, because, well, he could. Is this gay? I want your personal opinion here.

A: Do you want me to answer this question or my dead uncle who, without hesitation, would say, “Suck my own dick? What do I look like, half-a-fag?” (RIP, Uncle Dick. Your name truly fit you like a fucking glove.)

We've all tried to “get there” at least once, just to see if we could make it (of course, none of us pedestrian-dick-motherfuckers ever could), but I don't need to use  Deductive Teasoning — the revolutionary decision-making process I introduced a few mailbags ago, whereby I say scenarios in my head in Mr. T's voice to determine which is more badass — to conclude that sucking your own dick is crossing the line. 

Let's pause for a scant moment to recognize Lord Stanley's Cup made wholly of tobacco canisters.

Per the reader's email:

“Just a little background story. 3 dippers went out on a mission to create something big. After $4,000 worth of tins we made a legendary size Lord Stanley's Cup, weighing in at 45 pounds and at 4.5 feet tall. After making the cup we used it in our senior prank at  our boarding school. The photo attached is where we put it, which was in the dinning hall where it was found by administration at the school and was torn to pieces. I was hoping that you could post this photo and a little bio as a token of memory for the boys who sacrificed our jaws.”

Well done, boys. If I had money in my budget I'd send you all to get your gums thoroughly scraped. And Bros, YESSSS that is a miniature poster of Mel Gibson in The Patriot that you are seeing in the distance.

Q: QUICK: One of my best friends sister is my kryptonite and even though he highly disapproves of anything ever happening between us, (it has multiple times before) all that I've ever had to deal with is a few days of verbal abuse and hate-speech but no fear of getting hit. Call me an asshole, but morals and overall good decision making seem to disintegrate with every additional sip of alcohol we drink sometimes. *points at JCamm and says, “this guy knows what i'm talking about.”* (side note: she's very very VERY hot) we very rarely see each other, but when we do, something just always seems to happen with us.

Given the event this aforementioned opportunity arises, should it be pursued regardless of whether or not the happening becomes public domain?

Q2: Would you rather lick the taint of every male employee (past & Present) that worked with you at the Bro until it glistened in light, or have tiger woods tee up your dick & balls and crush it down the 18th at sawgrass with his driver?

A: Yes, I've been THERE and got a glass broken over my head for doing THAT. If your friend is serious about you and his sister never becoming one, I'd honor his request.

The problem you're really facing here is that he knows everything about you. And I'm guessing you're not the patron saint of abstinence so that knowledge is never going to work in your favor. Maybe down the line, in a few years when your cock spends less time hopping from hole to musty hole, he won't be as disgusted by the thought of you and his sister. But for now that disgust is real and ever present.

As for your second question I'll let Tiger obliterate my junk. That way I can at least say I've met him and sort of played TPC Sawgrass. Sort of.

Q: Alright so it summer time and me and some bros are ready to live it up. A group of us are going on a cruise and I was just wondering what's the best way to meet girls, pick up girls, hook up and everything in between (without breaking the bank) while on a cruise

And what are some tips for someone on their first cruise?

A: Well, this is awkward. I have no answer, as I have never been on a cruise in my life. I also kind of don't plan on it since I have a healthy fear of dying at sea (insert countless cries of “you're the soggiest of soggy pussies” here).

I'll fly anywhere, I've jumped out of planes for Christ' sake, but cruises terrify me. Dying in a plane is instantaneous; drowning in the ocean is not. Plus, being murdered by a shark, or something else I can't see coming, doesn't sit well with me. Weird, I know. 

Anyway, picking up chicks on a cruise should be the same as scooping babes on land. Only difference is you're limited to what's on that inescapable death vessel and, in the event you get rejected, you have the option to toss the bitch overboard. But don't worry she won't die. She'll be saved by a lifetime deadbeat and his three rag-tag sons. Then, after much reluctance, she'll fall in love with him and together they'll open a sick mini-golf course.

I know what you're thinking and in NO WAY was the above scenario even loosely based on the plot of this movie. 

Two completely different stories. Not even remotely close. Anyone who says otherwise is a goddamn bigot. 

Q: I dated this girl for 11 months. We broke it off about a month ago and I want to get back with her. She is great, intelligent, and arguably some of the best sex I've ever had. Any advice on how to get her back?

A: The whole “WE broke it off” part of this is a sticking point for me. Was it mutual or did one of you decide it was time to end the relationship? And if so, WHO DONE IT?

If she called it quits, you need to move on and not spend countless hours begging her to take you back. There are few things more pathetic than a dude who can't take being rejected in stride while screaming “On to the next, ya dumb bitch” as he walks out the door.

However, if you dumped her it's time for humility, lethal doses of it. There is no easy way to reverse stupidity. All you can do is take onus of your mistakes and try to convince her that you've changed; that you've seen the light.

All you can do is your best to prove to her that you want to be back together. It may work out for you, but it also may not. Sometimes chicks can't get over being treated like garbage. And sometimes even your best efforts will never be enough. Just ask Karl Malone.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here

[Man on computer image via ShutterStock]