Life
by Brandon Cohen on April 4, 2014

lesbians

A group of friends and I went to a bachelor party a while back, and while the weekend as a whole was a blast, not everything was peaches and cream. The organizer of the trip decided to hire some “working women” to come to the suite and put on a little show for the bachelor and his guests. Unfortunately, it ended up being a total bust, and not the good kind.

Filled with dissatisfaction and anger, I decided to take matters into my own hands and do what I do best: complain. I sent the owner of the escort company a formal complaint about our experience. I’ll let the email exchange take it from here.

I’ve hidden some details, so as to protect the identities of friends with overly sensitive significant others.

From: Brandon Cohen
Date: Wed, _________ at 5:25 PM
Subject: Re: Lesbian show outrage
To: info@___________.com

Hi Helena,

I was part of the group that booked a lesbian show for our friend’s bachelor party last Friday at the ____ Hotel. My friend _____ is the one who handled all the coordination with you.

We were very excited for the event since your website promised the pictures of the girls are ’100% real.’ The two girls we picked out, ‘Layla’ and ‘Bella,’ appeared to be smoking hot in the pictures—perfect bodies, asses you could eat dinner off of, and breasts that I’d only seen in Playboy. I suspected the pics were too good to be true, but your website made such a point of asserting their authenticity that we were naively trusting in your claims.

Boy did we end up feeling silly. If Layla and Bella were the same people you purport them to be in your pictures then I desperately want to hire that photographer to do my headshots. I don’t even need or want headshots, but that’s how impressed I am by his (or her?) ability to completely transform the physical appearance of his subject. I don’t mean to sound callous and I hope you’ll forgive me if you think I’m speaking out of school here, but I would have easily forked over an extra $100 for the girls who showed up at our door to keep their clothes ON.

But, I suppose we’d be willing to forgive that, had the girls delivered an entertaining lesbian show. One of the girls, ‘Layla,’ shaved her vagina in our bathroom, and then wouldn’t take her underwear off during the show. The entire time, none of us saw her vagina. Can you imagine? I felt very cheated, as she was the more attractive of the two (relatively speaking), and I would’ve enjoyed a peek at her undercarriage. She could’ve had a penis for all I know.

To make matters worse, the two girls wouldn’t engage in any lesbianism until our group begged them to. What kind of lesbian performers at a LESBIAN SHOW don’t want to engage in lesbianism? When they finally did, they merely kissed for under a minute, with slight boob grop-age. I’ve seen better lesbian shows watching Ellen on daytime television.

Bella told us when Layla was in the other room that Layla wasn’t really into lesbianism, which is why she was stand-offish. Why was a non-lesbian performer sent to a lesbian show? This makes no sense to me. Would you send a leg amputee to a foot fetish date?

Although the rate we negotiated was $400, we paid them $600 upfront as a tip, and they told us as a result they’d make it ‘extra special.’ I guess, for the girls, extra special meant going out onto the balcony to smoke cigarettes for a while, refusing to engage in any hot lesbo action, and then leaving in an angry rage when we asked them to get into some lesbianism. They weren’t there for more than 45 minutes. We felt extremely ripped off and taken advantage of. Worst of all, I felt bad for the bachelor, who has never had the opportunity to witness lesbianism in person. Seeing him let down like this…it broke my heart.

If your company continues taking advantage of your customers, I suspect this won’t be a very sustainable business model. Promising a bunch of things and then delivering on none of them is the definition of false advertising, and I’d like to hear what you plan to do in order to right this wrong. My friend’s bachelor party was ruined thanks to your lies.

Angry Bachelor Party Attendee,

Brandon

From: Brandon Cohen
Date: Wed, _________ at 5:25 PM
Subject: Re: Lesbian show outrage
To: info@___________.com

Hi Helena,

It’s become clear that I won’t be getting a response from you, which continues the unfortunate trend of disappointment that I’ve come to expect from your company.

I feel like I’ve been had, plain and simple. Since I, maybe stupidly, believe all people to be inherently altruistic, I don’t think that you or your company are out to maliciously rip off your customers. I think perhaps your company may have just lost its way. I’d like to remind you of a quote I pulled from your ‘About Us’ page in regard to the ladies you employ: “Renowned for their charms and professionalisms, will provide you the most satisfactory services you ever wanted in [bachelor party city] and its close vicinity.”

Despite the broken English and atrocious grammar, the heart of the message is as clear as day—your girls are there to satisfy the desires of their clients. Certainly, this is what made us gravitate to you over some of the more reputable escort services. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that myself and my group did not leave that night feeling satisfied. Instead, we left with a toilet full of vagina pube trimmings, and a dream of hot lesbian scissoring that was never realized.

As a group of drunk 27-year-olds, it wouldn’t have required much effort on Layla and Bella’s part to satisfy us. A couple of finger insertions, light licking, perhaps toy penetration, but we’re not greedy guys. I, stupidly, had some grapes with me, which I envisioned having them shot from their vaginas onto the bachelor. Little did I know when I picked up those grapes that not only would no projectiles be shot from their vaginas that night, but I wouldn’t even get to SEE one of their vaginas! Those grapes became a physical reminder of my disappointment. Man, did I feel foolish.

I’m sure you deal with asshole men all the time, so I understand your hesitancy to engage me in dialogue, but I assure you that I am educated, well-intentioned, and come from a good home. My parents are still together after thirty years of marriage, and I scored 1390 on my SAT. Not sure if you have the SAT in Canada, but I assure you, my score is on the higher end of average. I could have done better on the verbal section, but I got nervous on the day of the test… my math section was really good though.

You hear stories all the time about how ladies of the night put themselves in dangerous scenarios and it can lead to some scary outcomes. Layla and Bella came to our room with no security, and as two females amongst a group of 15 drunk men, we could’ve easily overpowered them, robbed them to get our money back (and potentially taken even more of their money), and made them clean our defiled toilet. But, we did no such thing, again, because we’re gentlemen. I also convinced my friends that doing something like that wasn’t necessary because your company was such a delight to deal with that we thought it would be easy to contact your customer support and discuss some type of refund. Once again, I stand embarrassingly corrected.

Maybe recouping some of the money we lost that night is a pipe dream. Fine. But what I hope to get across is that it’s not fair to treat your customers the way it seems you’ve become accustomed to. I don’t believe that when your founders opened your company, they ever thought that it would come to this level of unprofessionalism. I urge you to get back to your founding principles—providing “the most satisfactory services you ever wanted…” That’s a company culture I can get behind.

Solemnly but hopefully,
Brandon

From: <info@___________.com>
Date: Fri, _________ at 8:46 PM
Subject: Re: Lesbian show outrage
To: Brandon Cohen

hi brandon
i am so sooo sorry about what happen on that night !
first of all the 2 girls you guys got were the wrong girls ! the real bella and layla cancelled on us last minute and the driver send you guys those 2 girls thinking they would do a great job but obviously didnt….
i can assure you that those girl will not do anything like that ever again anyway not for our agency …
i and my parnter are the one who started and own (the company)… and you are right we never thought that we will have to deal with situation like this one ..
of course if you would be in [bachelor party city] i coulod offer you a great deal and send you the real girls who would make it all better but in this situaton im not sure what else im suppose to do beside tell you how sorry i am …
if you even come back here please let me make it up to you guys everytime you or your friends come back we will give you more than 50% discounts on every meeting you get with our girls and we will make sure you get the best only !
sincerely
helena

From: Brandon Cohen
Date: Mon, ________ at 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: Lesbian show outrage
To: info@____________.com

Helena,

I can’t tell you how much your note means to me. I left your city with a bitter taste in my mouth (and it wasn’t just because I had been puking bile all morning), but your note below warmed my cold dead heart. It’s good to see that there are still some upstanding business people in the escort world. It’s a real shame that the real Layla and Bella weren’t able to make it that night! What a horrible mix-up that definitely, probably happened and isn’t at all a clear lie! I sincerely hope they are okay. They will be in my prayers.

And thank you so much for the 50% off offer! I would love to take you up on that, and next time I’m in your city, it would be my pleasure to see your already reasonably priced hookers do gross sex stuff to each other while I watch, and maybe if they play their cards right, one of my loose-moraled friends will bang them for a negotiated price, lol! Just kidding, but maybe not, we’ll see how things progress.

All the best,
Brandon

From: <info@_______________.com>
Date: Tue, __________ at 4:43 PM
Subject: Re: Lesbian show outrage
To: Brandon Cohen

hi brandon
let me know next time your in [bachelor party city] ! i will make the arrangement for a unforgetable time for you and maybe your friends ;)
thanks
and sorry again
helena

[Lesbian Couple via Shutterstock]

Brandon Cohen

About Brandon Cohen...

Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.