No filler intro here, let’s get right into it. In my opinion, July 4th is not only the best holiday there is, but it’s also the single greatest day on the calendar. To further my opinion, let’s look at the some of the best features of this glorious day, as well as its competition for best holiday.
Day Off From Work - I know most holidays give you a day off from work, but some like MLK Day and Presidents Day are considered “floating” or “optional” holidays at many companies, meaning not everyone gets them off. Pretty much everyone has the Fourth off unless you’re a Major League Baseball player, in which case you can suck it up and collect your $50,000 game check.
Weather - It’s right in the heart of summer and is the only holiday where you’re pretty much guaranteed an 80-plus degree day.
‘Merica - Independence Day is about celebrating America’s victory over the British in 1781 and Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum’s victory over alien scum in 1996. It’s a day on which we can all be proud.
Food - Independence Day food usually consists of awesome BBQ or even lobster if you’re rich. Plus, those red, white, and blue popsicles from the ice cream man are fire.
Booze - If you don’t have at least five alcoholic drinks on July 4th, you’re a terrorist.
Fireworks - Fireworks will be fun until the day you die. I know they’re the same literally every single year, but loud, pretty-looking explosions will never get old.
(Sidebar: We live in the year 2014 where scientists and tech folks are coming up with some of the most absurd innovations that even 10 years ago we never thought would be possible. We have tiny cameras that give us an HD point-of-view of whatever underwater activity we choose to do. We have watches with military-grade GPS technology built right in on some James Bond shit. We can even watch live TV, on our phones, from our shitters. You’re telling me that in the year 2014 we can’t come up with some new fireworks designs other than the same four variations we’ve had for like the last 50 years? Seriously, all we have is big round guy, loud green streak guy, white sparkler champagne guy (the best one), and sad willow tree looking guy?
Somebody much smarter than me, please come up with something new. By the year 2020 I want to be able to watch porn through fireworks.
Activities - July 4th is the ultimate day to Bro out. Golf, cornhole, horseshoes, bocce, boats and hoes, I could go on forever, baby. It’s impossible to be bored– provided you have at least two friends.
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Now, let’s analyze the main “competition” July 4th has for the title of “Best Holiday”..
3) Halloween - I’m not hatin’ on Halloween but the reality is that the awesomeness of Halloween is so dependent on where you are in life. When you’re 3-10 years old, Halloween is dope because it’s all about stuffing your face with candy from strangers. Then from age 11 on through college, you’re stuck in the “too cool for Halloween” phase where if you go trick-or-treating your friends will make fun of you and if you go around egging people’s houses you’re a fucking asshole. In college, Halloween reigns supreme because it becomes the sluttiest night of the year and every chick dresses as “almost naked woman”, which is a GREAT costume. The problem is that it only stays this way until you’re like 26-29 or if you live in the Playboy Mansion and then Halloween gets lame again. The holiday can’t stand on its own merits.
2) Thanksgiving - Plain and simple, if your favorite holiday is Thanksgiving ,you’re a straight fatass. That or you like the NFL a little too much. As much as I love Tony Romo blowing games and talking to aunts whose names I don’t even know, I’ll pass on a holiday revolved around how much weight you can gain in a two-hour period and then passing out next to your snoring, kinda racist grandfather.
1) Christmas - You know what Christmas is? It’s a $500 bill. Seriously, thanks a lot Jesus for the annual $500 invoice that results from you being born two trillion years ago. Similar to Halloween, Christmas is awesome until you’re like 12, but unlike Halloween it never redeems itself when you’re in your twenties with thousands of naked college girls. In fact, it just gets worse and worse as you get older and have to buy more things for more people.
Also, if you’re a relative of mine reading this, listen loud and clear. STOP BUYING $1 SCRATCH OFFS!!!! They’re pointless and winning a “Free Ticket” is the shittiest Christmas gift ever. $5 minimum or GTFO.
Now cue the racks. Happy Best Day of the Year bros!