Life
by Tim Ryan on January 2, 2014

Take a glance around any restaurant, casual or not, and you are likely to see numerous inconsiderate assholes displaying that signature, self-absorbed demeanor, so intensely entranced by the offerings of a 2” x 3.5” screen, and so comically oblivious to anything else happening around them. It’s as hilarious as it is sad.

But with the universal importance of smartphones also comes the varying ways in which people prioritize the use of them, which of course brings me to the four main apps in your iPhone dock. Yes, I say iPhone because as of September, it held a 40% share of the U.S. market, with Samsung coming in at a relatively distant second, though I’m sure anyone with a smartphone can relate to this philosophy in some capacity.

These four apps are the key players in your phone. They do most of the heavy lifting, as they represent the most important, most frequently used apps, unless of course you happen to be one of the many misguided morons who have yet to discover these crucial pole positions are indeed customizable and can be changed to your liking at any time. Might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised, to a haunting degree, at just how many people are unaware of this stark reality.

And right here is precisely where the common thread of the phone importance we collectively share meets a critical divide more devastating than Ric Flair’s deflated breasts.

So on that uplifting note, we’ll kick things off with that special segment of the population:

Not Knowing Those 4 Positions Were Customizable

Unless you’re collecting Social Security and marking each container in your refrigerator with a purchase date, there is absolutely no excuse for not knowing that the preset apps could be swapped out for the apps you use most frequently.

Naturally, with this absence of knowledge come two convenient defenses for lacking said knowledge.

One line of reasoning is to say that you did in fact know they were customizable, but chose not to change them because the presets – Phone, Email, Safari, iTunes – were exactly how you preferred them. This notion is, quite obviously, a heaping pile of horseshit. Text messages long ago replaced phone conversations to a dramatic enough degree – especially since a phone call isn’t even necessary to place takeout orders anymore – that it’s laughable to argue any app warrants precedence over texts. Like anything else, it’s all about convenience. And allowing “messages” to remain at the top left of your phone is far from convenient, let alone very tiring for your reaching thumb, so save the B.S. and embrace this newfound discovery with gratefulness.

The second line of defense is to use the old high horse, “I’m way too busy to fuss with such a thing” excuse, which is really someone’s incredibly weak way of shielding his or her ego from the pride-swallowing revelation he or she had no idea such a choice existed. The more you know? The more you know. Never underestimate the significance of that joyful jingle.

And now, for those of you who were aware you could customize your main four, but chose rather poorly.

Having Facebook or Instagram in Your Dock

If you have Facebook or Instagram as one of your main four, you are a self-involved, insecure assclown in dire need of affirmation from not only your friends, but probably strangers too. The number of likes a post or a photo receives has seemingly become as critical as actually getting laid, and that notification globe lighting up on facebook has more or less replaced becoming sexually aroused. It certainly goes without saying, but this is an embarrassing turn of events. The best course of action here is to smack yourself over the head with Homie the Clown’s corked sock, mercilessly berate yourself in the mirror with the spirit of Ed Norton, and eventually cut the insufferable horseshit.

Having a Weather App in Your Dock

You are the most boring person on the face of this earth and plan everything in advance with absolutely no sense of adventure. Do yourself a lofty favor and drop your phone in a pint of beer, it’s time to tear up the game plan and start over. Now.

Having YouTube in Your Dock

This likely means you are one of the 300,000,000 deplorable dipshits who watched “What Does the Fox Say.” I hate you already.

Having SnapChat in Your Dock

You are an unapologetic whore but are clearly more than comfortable with this unfavorable label. Much respect.

Having Twitter in Your Dock

There’s a good chance this means you’re using Twitter regularly enough that many of your tweets may very well include emoticons. If so, please attack yourself with a weighty garbage can lid.

Having Games of Any Sort in Your Dock

This could simply mean you are 12 years old, in which case such a setup is beyond acceptable. If not, it’s exactly one of two things: You’re either spending way too much time on the shitter or you’re lonelier than Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver. Whichever it is, this piece of advice applies rather well: Get. Off. Your. Ass.

Having Foursquare in Your Dock

You check in literally everywhere including the doctor’s office, your grandmother’s house, and public bridges. Everyone hates it, and hates you, but no one has the balls to tell you to shut the hell up. So on their behalf, please, for the love of god, shut the hell up.

Having Google Earth in Your Dock

Weirdo. Let’s just move on.

Having a Flashlight in Your Dock

A flashlight, yes a flashlight, happens to be the 10th most downloaded phone app, so I’m guessing that means there are some people who actually have the flashlight app amongst their main four. If you know someone who does, do yourself a favor and run with the determination of Bo Jackson at the Kingdome.

Having Netflix in Your Dock

You are spending far too much time in front of a TV or in front of your phone, and your battery life probably never dips below 90%. Time to reevaluate life.

Having Shazam in Your Dock

Your music knowledge is embarrassing and so is your behavior at parties. Get a hold of yourself.

Having ESPN in Your Dock

You’re either a degenerate gambler or the type of person who wears the jersey of their favorite team to work following each and every “big win.” If both, and for the love of god I hope it’s not, we’ll go ahead and assume that looking into the mirror is an overwhelming challenge

It comes with great understanding this is the type of list that could go on forever with telling accompanying traits, but what’s been discussed above should more or less serve as the unofficial bible in avoiding “being that guy.”

******

Oh, and for those curious: To change your four precious apps, just hold down any app for a few seconds and proceed to move them wherever you desire, though you must move an app from the bottom row before slotting in a new app.

Tim Ryan is the founder of The Sports Hernia and a freelance writer based in New York City. Follow Tim on Twitter.