Life
by Aimee Porter on June 30, 2014

salad-bro

Gentlemen, how many times have you lived through this scenario: You went out for drinks with a girl, and things were fantastic. She looked good, she laughed at your jokes, and she seemed interested in the things you had to say about your job and your fantasy football team. So, you asked her out for a second date. Maybe you went out for a meal this time; maybe you went for a walk in the park. In any case, things went well again, so you figure you’ll see if this thing has legs. You decide to pull out all the stops and invite her to dinner at your place.

It seems simple enough. You think hey, I’ve got this. You’re at your place, so you have home field advantage, right?

WRONG, my friends. So, so wrong.

The fact of the matter is, by inviting her to your place, you’re about to navigate a minefield–and your success or failure in this labyrinth will forever determine the course of your budding relationship.

The following is a guide to crafting the perfect dinner-at-your-place date that is practically guaranteed to make her putty in your hands.

Step 1: Girl-proofing your apartment

You are inviting a woman you’re interested in into your personal space, and this is a make-or-break proposition for a relationship. I’m telling you from experience: Nothing kills a lady boner faster than thinking you’re going to catch Super AIDS just from being in his dirty, dank, disgusting apartment. If you’re having a girl over, you need to do a quick once-over of the place, including:

  • Hide all traces of dirty clothes. I don’t care if you just shove them under your bed and worry about them later–you need to at least create the illusion that you’re a functioning adult who puts away his laundry.
  • While you’re in there, make your bed… and by that, I mean put on clean sheets. This will come handy later.
  • Wipe down kitchen counters/the stovetop with a disinfecting wipe. If there are dirty dishes anywhere, get rid of them.
  • Wipe off the table you’ll be eating on with a disinfecting wipe.
  • Look at your floors. Is there visible dirt/dust? If the answer is yes, run the vacuum.

And, more importantly than ANYTHING ELSE:

  • CLEAN. YOUR. BATHROOM!!! Remove all visible shit stains from the toilet, and wipe up any hair on the floor and on the sink. If you need to light a candle in there, do it.

It sounds like I’m asking a lot from you, but honestly I’m not–at this point, it’s all about making superficial fixes, and this list of things shouldn’t take you more than an hour to complete (if that).

Finally, if you have roommates, find a way to get rid of them. (Getting them to stay in their rooms with the doors shut for the entire night counts.)

Step 2: Cleaning yourself

Let’s be real: If you’ve invited a girl over to your apartment, sex is on the table. Obviously, it’s not a guarantee, but there’s a fairly high likelihood that some sort of physical contact is going to happen–that’s why I told you to change your sheets in Step 1.

In any case, it’s vital to practice good hygiene. Shower, change into something clean/nice, trim your pubes. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and all that.

Step 3: Planning the menu

We literally just said sex is on the table, so keep that in mind when you’re grocery shopping. You might want to veer into the red meat aisle, but I would highly advise against it–it’s simply far too heavy of a meal to serve to someone you might get naked with later.

Trust me, no woman can maintain sexytimes feelings while she’s carrying a food baby, so keep the menu light –stick to chicken, fish or something vegetarian as the main dish, and a salad on the side (you can even do the bagged salad kits if you want to make it really easy on yourself). Don’t waste time worrying about a third dish to put on her plate; two will be plenty.

Additionally, keep it simple. Don’t pick a complicated recipe with a lot of different ingredients you’ve never even heard of. She won’t be impressed if it becomes apparent you don’t know what you’re doing. She will also get hangry if it takes you more than an hour to make whatever you’re making, so make sure you time your cooking so that you can serve dinner within about 30 minutes of when she arrives.

Step 4: Taking it up a notch

We’ve just established that you’re serving chicken or fish, and if you didn’t already know, those entrees are best paired with a white wine. Pick a pinot grigio or a sauvignon blanc; those wines are better for dinner entrees (versus wines like Riesling, which is better for dessert).

Get two bottles (yes, two–a bottle of wine is approximately two glasses each, and what if you guys want to have a third glass?) and have them chilling for when she arrives.

Also for when she arrives: Pick up a baguette from your local grocery store and some good cheese for the two of you to munch on.

Don’t know what cheese to pick? Let me let you in on a little secret: BITCHES LOVE BRIE. I don’t know what it is about this delicious soft cheese, but it’s a universal truth. The sun will rise, the Earth will turn, and women will go nuts over a little brie on a baguette.

That’s it! Just four things you have to do, and this girl will be all yours. Good luck!

[Man making salad via Shutterstock]

Aimee Porter

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