There are two traditions on Thanksgiving. One is to get brutally drunk on Wednesday night. The other is to play flag football with your old friends. I’m sitting on a train heading home and this guy next to me is wearing a mink coat with aviator sunglasses. He got me thinking of the people I’d least want to play a flag football game with. Here are 7:

The College Athlete

Everyone has a friend who plays or has played some level of college athletics. It doesn’t matter what sport he plays this guy is going to tell you “how important stretching is” and get mad when there’s no warm up drills to “get the blood flowing.” Then he throws on his “Colby College Football” sweatshirt and you remember that the athletic ability needed to play NESCAC football is similar to the skills you need to squeeze out a silent fart in a crowded room. Ask him to throw a forward pass and watch his confidence crumble or play with someone less annoying.

High School Hero

This guy’s apex was high school. He was good at sports, got some girls, and explained his first blowjob so well that it felt like you and all of your friends got that first blowjob together. He now works for the Parks Department and he’s going to play this game like it’s his Super Bowl. He is Rudy and you are his chest to throw his pointy elbows into. Stay out of his way or you will be hurt.

The Big Football Fan

This guy has NEVER played ANY form of organized football except for the Madden video game franchise. Somehow his memory of the videogame playbooks makes him both the offensive and defensive coordinator. He will put you in a three point stance and then explain to you why you the Tampa Two is the best coverage for your team (just watch out for the bushes by the fence). This guy will be as loud as Rex Ryan when he climaxes during a Payless commercial. Stay Away.

Out Of Shape Guy

You’re not going to know why he’s breathing like that (can you have sleep apnea while you’re awake?). Or why getting out of the car was that difficult for him. Or how that sweatshirt he wore is so ill-fitting when it says “Sports Illustrated XXXXL” on the front. Or even how a guy could ever need a substitution when he’s playing “All-Time Center.” You just know that you wish you could take back when you said “awesome” to this guy putting french fries inside his chicken singer sub and he needs some serious help. You don’t need to be depressed during a fun game. Stay away.

Injury Guy

First he will roll an ankle. Then he’ll start in about some shortness of breath. That’s right about the time that he starts complaining about chest pains. Then a bunch of jabbering about tingling in his arms. Then this jerk will start slurring his speech. And finally when the game is just getting good he’ll start grabbing his chest while he yells “call the hospital.” Is this football or a gay pride march? Cut this guy loose if you want your game to have any type of rhythm. 

The Girlfriend

She played in one Powder Puff game her senior year and she “was totally awesome at football throwing” so her boyfriend brought her along to everyone’s disappointment. It really isn’t this girl’s fault. She dates a man so terrified of offending her in the short-term, that he’s willing to lose all of his friendships as well as any respect from his family. The only consolation you can take is that their marriage - a rationalization, at best - will be a nightmare of hidden resentments culminating in a murder-suicide. Start cutting ties now so you won’t have to identify the bodies or care for their hate-children.

Jeansy

This guy wore jeans to play a flag football game. Wearing jeans to play flag football is a statement. One item of clothing says so much: “I don’t know what people wear to play sports.” “I don’t know comfort.” “I’ve never felt the soft touch of sweatpants on my legs.” “I have Eastern European immigrant parents.” “I don’t know what it’s like to live in a world where people have thoughts.” “I’ve worn boots to play pickup basketball games.” “I had a childhood where I wore jeans to play every pick up game.” “I had and have no friends.” It’s the exact same thing as wearing a mink on a train.

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more thoughts on the best holiday of the year, EatDrinkFartDAY. You can check out his latest video from the Flugtag here.

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