Editor's Note: Last October, we interviewed the author of The Philadelphia Lawyer, whose first book, “Happy Hour is for Amateurs: Work Sucks. Life Doesn't Have to” is now out in paperback. The Philadelphia Lawyer also wrote up an exclusive article just for BroBible.com, and is now back again with an exclusive two-parter just for just about the best and worst profanities around.
Some say swearing's wrong — indecent, crude, coarse… the sign of an ill-mannered boor. These people are a**holes. To those who know language well, profanity's high art, a glorious form of expression and enhancement of the mother tongue.
But that's not an open-ended license to use it with reckless abandon. Vulgarity works like whiskey. Top-shelf stuff's worth the money, the neater the pour the better. The cheap shit only brings pain — vomiting, headaches, and a deep sense of undying pity among the guests you've served rotgut swill.
In the spirit of improving the profane, maintaining the art in vulgarity, the good and decent filth merchants at BroBible have asked me to provide a list of the best and worst profanities, slurs and insults. Here's the first half, the worst:
Really? Is this still considered an insult? Perhaps if you live on a Fundamentalist Baptist Compound… Here in Reality, however, there was a thing called the Sexual Revolution. Hit around the same time as the Beatles (ask Grandma). And since then, women have been f*cking as much, if not more, than us. In fact, there’s a good chance the one you’re f*cking right now’s f*cked a whole lot more men than you’ve f*cked women, along with a few chicks here and there (they all seem to try the lesbo hook-up at least twice).
Calling a woman a hoe is calling her “liberated” — a compliment, not an insult. Why not describe her in the terms you’re actually trying to articulate? “Chick who keeps blowing me off!” “Chick I wish was f*cking me but is f*cking my buddy instead!” “Chick who’s f*cked my roommates, a couple acquaintances, a distant associate or two, and a handful of co-workers, but still refuses to f*ck me!” Probably still not an insult, but it shows you’ve been doing you’re homework. Women like an eye for details. Perhaps she’ll rethink the situation, “complete the circle” with you.
The most overtly imbecilic of insults. Nine out of 10 men are one sooner or later. And even if no one ever calls you “Dad,” you have a better chance of reaching the Presidency than you do of dying without ever having f*cked someone, or something’s, mother. Exempting priests, gays who’ve never gone through a bisexual phase, the horribly deformed, men who’ve lived their entire lives in their parents' basements playing Everquest, and those who’ve been in comas since prior to puberty, this “insult” amounts to little more than a long, gross way of saying “Hey, man.” Nothing wrong with spicing up the lexicon in that fashion, but isn’t “Asshole,” “Douchebag,” or “Dickhead” a much more personal, effective method of conveying open, but still appropriately suppressed affection?
No need to address the term's use on females. The sort who’d call a woman a motherf*cker are the sort better left unconsidered. We're a nation half filled with people who think the president’s a socialist, wearing magic underwear will grant them entrance to a heaven filled with “latter day saints,” Lady GaGa’s a brilliant lyricist, the housing market is coming back, and Kim Kardashian’s Twitter feed is the just like, the coolest, deepest, most sincere connection with fans ever… Stupid in America is cheaper than “slightly irregular” Chinese tampons at Wally’s Discount Emporium. Swinging at the lowest hanging fruit is entirely unnecessary.
This one’s rank illogic, an utter lack of facility with the simplest binary algebra. If X = Y, and Y = Z, and no other conditions are offered, then X = Z as well. You wouldn’t use “Mom” as an insult. And yet your mom is a cocksucker. Don’t bristle. This is all just technical stuff… Science. And if we really have to get technical, so is your sister, your aunt, your grandmother (if she’s alive*), your kindergarten teacher, your nanny, and that 14-year-old cousin about whom you've had those really uncomfortable dreams (the one who shows no recognition of gravity in that tartan private school skirt), etc…
Anyhow, back to the formula… If mom’s a cocksucker and “cocksucker’s” an insult, then “mom” is an insult as well. Or, conversely, “cocksucker” is no more an insult than “mom.” I wouldn’t recommend calling mom a cocksucker or deriding a nemesis with “mom,” but putting aside the colloquial bastardizations of the terms barring those interchangeable uses, one would have to admit, logically, there isn’t a whole lot of sense in insulting anyone with “cocksucker.”
And no… It works even worse if applied to men. Two simple reasons for that. First, he might actually be a cocksucker, in which case you’re suddenly a homophobe, which screws up any chance you have of screwing any of the women within earshot of your poorly chosen insult. This is particularly true in college, where everyone’s a liberal. Second, he might be a very large cocksucker. We all known some big gay dudes — rugby, hockey, football players. Piss off the wrong guy who happens to be in a shitty mood and you could find yourself sucking something: dinner, through a straw, for a month while you’re waiting for a broken jaw to set.
This bit of profanity fails because it can’t even make up its mind. What is it? The vag*na? The clit? The owner of the organs at issue? Wikipedia’s star chamber of brilliant crack editors can’t even decide on a definition:
Twat (n.) The word tw*t has various functions. It is a vulgar synonym for the human vulva, vag*na, or clitoris, but is more widely used as a derogatory epithet, especially in British English. The word may originate from Old Norse þveit meaning cut, slit, or forest clearing.
“Forest clearing”… So it only applies to hirsute women with Brazilians? I know what some might be thinking – “Well, what the hell does p*ssy describe? No one’s ever been able to pin down that word. Is it the bush? The lips? The whole damned thing?” Who knows, and who cares? Pussy’s whatever it wants to be because p*ssy’s a completed word. Phonetically, pŭs'ē – two syllables, a start, a finish, a finalized, pleasant sound. Women are even fond of the term. “God, I love your p*ssy” earns a blushing smile. See where “Nice tw*t” gets you. The word’s ugly, abrupt, and dull, and everybody knows where it comes from. It’s “c*nt’s” retarded step-cousin — a wanna-be soundalike with none of the original’s punch… the word for one lacking the balls to let loose the term he’d like to utter. Which is odd as hell, really, because anyone who’s been there knows that what “c*nt” creates in terms of anger, “tw*t” reaches in levels of embarrassment and disgust the object feels for the speaker. Anger can be overcome, possibly converted to sex. Embarrassing sleeps alone.
The inverse of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup — two great profane expressions that train wreck into a pile of shit together. “Fucking a**hole,” “f*cking dickhead,” “f*cking douchebag”: They all sound great. As in life, as in qualifiers — everything’s better with f*cking. And of all its compound uses, none beats “f*cking retard.” Rolls off the tongue like a poem. You can imagine Joe Pesci barking it as the words exit your lips. “That’s what you brought? A case of Smirnoff Ice? What are you, a f*cking retard?”
Smashed together, however, the only thing the words telecast is, “If it were 2001, I’d have my hat on backwards, and Limp Bizkit’s 'Break Stuff' banging out of the f*cking base cones in the back of this jacked-up motherf*cking Jeep.” Fucktard’s custom written for Fred Durst and Fred Durst is… frankly, I don’t know where Fred Durst is. And neither does anyone else, which isn't troubling anybody. But that’s not the point. The point is, “f*cking” and “retard” go together like Keith and Mick, Jesus and the Holy Ghost, psychedelic mushrooms and fractal pattern screensavers. “Fucktard” travels with a Kenny Powers mullet, fetal alcohol syndrome, and a pending date rape trial. Leave it where you heard it. And wash your hands twice when you get home from wherever that was.
*“Late” cocksucker otherwise.