Q: When a girl asks how many girls you've slept with, what's the best answer? You're obviously not going to tell her your real number, but if it's too high she'll think you're a grimy ass douche, and if it's too low, she might think there's a problem with your dick. I always tell them 2 or 3, depending on how big a slut the bitch is.
A: Unfortunately, there's no secret sauce, equation, or handbook to lying about how many girls you've slept with. But there is– and this will be the only time you hear me promote this — ABSTINENCE. Yep, just abstain…from sharing information, that is.
Ask yourself, “What possible good will come out of knowing or exchanging this information?” That answer is: No good, whatsoever, because one or both of you is lying so you might as well skip the fruitless exercise altogether.
Maybe you're thinking, “Fuck you, Camm. You don't know your dick from a 72oz. coffee thermos.” And you're right, I don't, they boast far too many similarities to tell them apart, but what I do know is how unpredictable and inquisitive a woman's brain can be. Sometimes the number will satiate her but sometimes it won't; she'll want to know who these chicks were, when it happened and what kind of emotional attachment you had to them. Basically, it'll be a fucking nightmare.
So just avoid it by telling her all she should care about is that she's not your first, your genitals are clean, and your past is your past and no good ever comes from these conversations. If you don't believe me, my fiancé doesn't know my number and I don't know hers and completely lacking that knowledge is goddamn bliss.
Q: I'm trying to find a girl I used to bang back in college. She doesn't have Facebook or anything like it. How do I make this happen without coming off like a creep? .. basically how did people find other people before social media.
A: Can I tell ya something? You've come to the right place, my friend. We're going to get this little Philly back in your life. It'll take some elbow grease on your part, but nothing good in life is ever easy. Accept ejaculation — that's fairly straightforward.
If you want to find this chick — I mean, if you really yearn to re-enter her life in the most extravagant way possible — you should make a wildly pathetic, yet sadly believable, YouTube video about how you've been longing for the tenderness of her touch. Once your video is live online, however, you need eyeballs on it. And lots of them. Your next step is to pretend that you're one of your asshole friends and email the video along with some “can you believe this fag?” verbiage, to various blogs, like ours, so we can rip you a new shit hatch for it for being such a gutless thumb sucker. Then, when the smoke clears and you've attained Internet virality, the Today Show will extend an invite to you to come New York City for a 30-45 second interview/conversation with the human Scarecrow, Savannah Guthrie. Shortly after that, this chick may or may not surface. But candidly, if you use the aforementioned method, I put the odds at 70/30 in favor of you smoking this anti-social bitch out of hiding.
Or you can ask people you went to college with if they've kept in touch with her, you know, if you want to be an overgrown pussy about it.
Q: Would you rather sleep on a bed with no pillows or blankets or sleep on the floor with pillows and blankets?
A: Shit just got really real, you guys.
I don't even know where to begin with this… Fucking all sorts of flustered.
Do I start during childhood when blankets were a CRUCIAL line of defense from Feddie Kruger and I'd sleep on a bed of nails just to have them? Do I remember those booze-fueled nights when I've woken up, face down, on a random stiff floor, with a random stiff neck and a boner to match DYING for the comfort of a memory foam mattress? Or do I recall those hot summer nights when having a blanket was a burden but flipping my pillow halfway through the night was like shoving my head in a goddamn ice bath?
So torn, Bros.
Although I definitely don't want to commit to any answer, I think I've got to take the floor with the blankets and pillows. As much as no one wants to sleep on a floor, for me, pillows are a necessity. Plus, I rarely get morning wood and nothing sucks worse than being freezing cold with no blanket option while you try to sleep.
Q: Hey fuckface… Ok, but seriously, so a couple months ago, I met this girl online and we really hit it off. Now when I signed up I had no intention of finding a girlfriend, just made it to see what type of girls are on there. But she took me by surprise, after about a month of talking we decide to “date”. I know I know, it probably doesn't count since it's online and how do I know if she is really a she and not some 50 year old fat guy sitting in the dark in his mom's basement. 1) We added each other on Facebook and facetimed, and she is legit. 2) Actually really like her, plus super sexy(sent me photos). Here is the issue, I live in Virginia, she lives in Florida and chances are we will NEVER meet face to face, plus I still want to have fun in college and even though chances are she'll never find out, I would still feel guilty. I don't want to throw a good thing away but I also don't want to be tied down to someone that I have a 95% chance of never seeing. Bro advice?
A: Jesus Christ, Bro. I mean, JESUS EVER-LOVING CHRIST. Where in THE FUCK are you going with this? I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but honestly? Yeah, great that you got proof of actual life and your brains are made entirely of shit, like Manti Te'o's, but let's not pussyfoot around the facts here. For one, you really don't know dick about this girl's life and, more importantly, to be together one of you is going to have to eventually move and take the biggest gamble of his or her life.
Don't squander your college life chasing a girl in another city who probably isn't so perfect in person. The end.
Seriously. That was it. I really have no other advice to provide and I think I really went above and beyond giving you this answer since a simple “DON'T DO IT,” probably would have sufficed. But that's the problem with me, I love too much.
Q: Bro, I am trying to slam some pieces when I head down to SC this summer. Whats the best way to accomplish this goal? Most likely will be completely cocked most of the time.
A: Ah yes, the age old, stand-the-test-of-time question about how to get laid. Here's a handy 5-step guide that's helped me win back to back to back AAU National Chick Fucking Championships.
Step 1: Find Pieces
Step 2: Have something inside your nutsack that enables you to approach Pieces
Step 3: Keep all of your douchey ways under lock and key
Step 4: Be as attractive as possible (H/T: Nada Surf)
Step 5: Slam them Pieces.
I know this was presented without the help of the Crime Dog, Fred McGriff, but I don't have even a tenth of Tom Emanski's production budget.
[Man Laptop image via ShutterStock]