The first question in today's mailbag actually came into my inbox an hour ago. It's first (because it is insane), but I wrote it last. Keep that in mind when you read the rest, because the tones are very different. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: Bro! Longtime reader, first time submitter and I really need your help! A few months ago I married a wonderful girl that I had been dating for the past few years after college. We have always had a healthy sex life but nothing I would consider too crazy. During our relationship, I followed your sound advice by not having any sort of comparison of our past conquests or allowing any inquiry into the others “history”. I mean seriously, there is nothing to gain from that knowledge and I know my stats are superior to hers. Ignoring my unwillingness to participate, she has asked on several occasions about my past experiences with threesomes, public places, number of partners, etc. but I continuously shut her down as I know I have hear beat and there being no need to upset her. Or so I thought…
About a week ago, I was enjoying some amateur adult entertainment on the Internet when I came across a photo my bride performing orally on her ex-boyfriend from her semester abroad back in college. My initial reaction to this discovery was that it was troubling but on the other hand it was somewhat exciting. I mean I know we both have a past and she had a life before I came around but not something you really want to see but somewhat hot.
Anyway, I debated on whether I should tell her about my discovery and then I made a terrible mistake. With my curiosity peaked, I started researching the login id of the person who posted the photo and was lead to multiple additional photos and videos of my bride on several websites. With each discovery it was worse and worse and worse. I mean I am talking sex parties/orgies (three and four guys never any other chicks), facials, anal, and almost everything else you can imagine. It seems as if this year abroad seems to have been the Sex Olympics and my wife was the gold medal winner in every event while enjoying the camera in each of her conquests. I am shocked to say the very least and truthfully I am not handling my new found knowledge of my wife being a total slut very well.
I have not told her any of this but she has commented about me “acting funny” several times over the past few days. I can’t seem to wash these images from my mind and when I see her I instantly see her “staring” in the videos/photos. I am not sure I have any right to be but I am mad. I am also concerned that other people I know may see these videos or even worse, have seen them and know about my wife’s past. Where these people at our wedding laughing behind my back? What if she made other videos that I haven’t found? I mean there are so many questions and I am clueless of what to do? I mean, this is not some girlfriend that I can kick to the curb for being a whore but rather a woman that a few short months ago I married. What do I do? Do I tell her? Do I work with her to get the content removed from the Internet? I can’t talk to anyone about it because by doing so I point out to everyone that my wife is an amateur porn queen slut! I am so confused, angry and clueless on what to do. Only you can help me and I will do whatever you suggest.
A: First: WOW. Like, HOLY SHIT. That is easily the most "shit just got real" question I've ever received. And I feel for you, because what you just laid out is rough to even read. The thing about guys like us is that although we've done some vile shit in the bedroom, we always want to settle down with a girl who is more on the pure side. And it had to hurt really fucking bad to find that your wife isn't who you thought she was (I can't pretend to know that kind of pain), and I sincerely hope what I'm about to say can help you even in the least. So here goes...
I recognize that you stumbled across these videos, but this is without a doubt one of the many reasons why finding out about your girlfriend’s sordid past isn’t always awesome. In fact, I’m not sure when it would ever be awesome, unless you both agree to count to three and blurt out your weird fetishes at the same time and each of you, in unison, say, “lactating.” But other than opening a new fun door of exploration like that, nothing is good. It all stinks. This specific instance way more than most.
What I think you need to do first is realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. If people were behind your back giggling because they knew of your wife’s graphic sex parties and think you got “duped” they can go fuck themselves. HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW? You weren’t. Plain and simple: This could happen to any one of us. So don’t feel like you’re stupid.
After you get over that hurdle, and the acceptance that this surreal shit actually happened sets in, you need to confront her. Calmly. Remember that she didn’t do this to hurt you, it is a part of her past (hopefully) and it’s unfortunate that you saw it and are never going to be able to unsee it. You might have no way of getting past that mentally -- I can’t even fathom how you could.
After that, your options are to try and patch this marriage back together or move on.
I can’t tell you exactly what to do -- you’ll probably figure that out once the two of you talk -- but I will say don’t do anything you’ll regret. Good luck, Bro.
P.S. Her constant begging to know about your past may be her way of trying to get you to try different things. Or she just wanted an open door so she could finally open up about her past. Perhaps she feels guilty of what she's done and hoped you would have similar stories and would show her some mercy when you found out.
Q: So here’s the situation: You’ve just used your immense powers of seduction and successfully lured a consenting female back to your place. After some predictably amazing drunk sex you wake up at 3 am with the desperate need to empty the bladder you spent all night filling with alcohol. I have a bathroom attached to my room. My question for you is. Do you A) Pee straight into the middle of the toilet, with a heavy stream going this will be loud in a silent house and could quite potentially wake the lady asleep in your bed. Or B) Pee against the side of the bowl of your toilet. This method will be much more quite but you will undoubtedly get the wonderful sensation of piss spraying off the wall of the toilet and sprinkling your legs.
Thanks for the insight in this crucial matter.
A: Host's choice, is what I say.
You're taking a piss, not a audible, violent shit. And it's your house, dude. Do as you see fit. Piss right into that fucking water.
You've both been drinking and chances are if she's asleep she's out cold -- nothing short of a nuclear holocaust can wake me from drunk sleep. It would take a lot more than your power stream to wake her up. And like you said, even with it being more discrete, silencing the piss off the side of the bowl will leave your walls and floor caked in piss splatter. Don't disrespect your sober self like that, pull that kind if move you're at her place.
Q: I'm a Senior in High School and it's that time of year where Seniors all around the country start applying to colleges and I was wondering what were some of the things that made you say "this is definitely where I want to go" when choosing your school. What were your options when you were going through this process and if you could redo your choice for where you went, would you? I already have chosen my schools, I just wanted your say.
Also, would you rather suffer through 2 hours of having a girl play with your balls for a chances to have a threesome with Kate Upton & Sofia Vergara but only for 20 minutes or Golf with Arnold Palmer on a descent golf course with the annoying guy in Happy Gilmore who kept fucking him up while Gilmore golfed with Bob Barker.
PS- "Gif of the Week" last week.... Good God Almighty, that was amazing.
A: Thanks to places like this site, TFM and others, there's much more information about colleges on the Internet than ever. I never had that kind of transparency. I had a fucking hard copy of the Princeton Review and that was that. To be fair, I also had a 50-year-old guidance counselor who met me twice in four years of high school to help me pick a crop of schools I might like to attend based on all the untruths I told him about myself when he asked what I was interested in. Those conversations, which I CHERISH, got nowhere because there was no way was I opening up to some shitsipper I met once in my life. Anyway...
Ultimately, I picked the school I could see myself at. It took a lot of boring tours and campus visits but I knew what worked for me when I got there. If I was looking today I imagine my search would be much different. And if I had to redo it, I don't know that I would. Actually, maybe I'd go to ASU or a bigger school for partying purposes, but I had a great time at The U. Or maybe I'd go to Hawaii, although I tried too when I first began applying to schools and my parents shit all over that dream. Pricks.
Part Duex: I'd take the testicle tickle fest every time. Twenty minutes of golf is like two holes, maybe three if you're sprinting, that's like the ultimate cock tease.
Part C: That gif was infectious.
You know what?
Would ya mind...if I...
Naw, ya wouldn't!
Sorry. I'll pull it together.
Let's move on to the next question.
Also, I'm not really sorry.
Q: I had a massive crush on this chick back when I was 15, but despite my advances, she ended up going for this guy who was a total pussy and was believed to be a closet homosexual. Now, I have just moved back to my home city after college and ran into her, and its pretty clear she wants this d. However, not to hook up, to legitimately date. I'm not as attracted to her anymore, and I don't know if I can overlook the fact that she had her chance, even if it was years ago. Do I agree to the terms and get the revenge bang and cut off contact afterwards, do I give her a shot, or do I just say too fucking bad?
P.S. All my life I have completely avoided having a legitimate girlfriend up until now, so might this be a worthwhile experience so I don't end up being that asshole that doesn't know how to be in a relationship later down the road?
A: I'll never admonish my fellow man for changing his mind about a broad whose looks lost a step (or twenty) when she was in college -- I've seen that movie before and trust me, unlike what anti-bullying ads promise, her looks aren't going to "get better." But if your reluctance is nothing more than you holding a grudge from when you were a freshman in high school that is childish and also stupid.
That's my stance, Bro. Don't force a relationship if you're not feeling her anymore. Fuck her, sure, because there's simply no reason not to, but don't dig your hole to deep if you already know there's nothing for you at the bottom.
Q: When raw dogging I always have that mini panic attack when I'm about to finish. Since you're not wearing a dong balloon you have to do something with the cum. Yeah you could blow it inside and see if it'll come out her nose or start skeeting on the sheets, windows and walls etc. or do some gnarly money shot. So my question is what do you do? Obviously it depends on the girl and the situation and you should probably ask but what’s a good go to maneuver, Maverick?
Related question: Would you rather have a shotgun blast like ejac or a 30 roper?
A: If you were sitting next to me I'd sing, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" right into your face because you included cum snots in your question. And you called me Maverick, which I quite enjoy. So maybe I wouldn’t sing right in your face, because anyone who has ever had a friend who thinks he can freestyle rap knows how invasive and awful that is.
I've gone just about every route on this. One time, when I was driving the nail home on top and feeling extra saucy I shimmied up this random girl's torso and sent semen flying onto her face. It was a power move that resulted in her putting on a frown and saying "Really? Come on, man."
That reaction stuck with me. It ruined me. Here I was, administering nothing less than euphoria to this girl's fun factory and in one failed cum, I lost everything I had gained. No longer was I the guy who cock rocked her something fierce in an infested Dewey Beach motel, I was the dude who gave her face an unsolicited gravy greasing. From that moment on I've kind of let the girl dictate the load. Unless, of course, I didn't know her and she wanted it inside. That's a lethal bullet only a fool fires.
On to your related question...
Me thinks I want the revolver with 30-ropes in the chamber. For the sake of the question, let's just assume I'm the only guy invited to a 30-chick orgy (completely plausible). If that were the case (which it could be) the one shotgun blast just won't due. These ladies would all gather round, mouths open like baby birds, waiting for my bald eagle to feed them and all they would leave with is my DNA smattered in their hair, totally not satiated. But the 30-roper solves that problem. And like I said, that is a realistic problem, one that I certainly wouldn't want to have to be embarrassed by. That's how you lose your invitation to the next orgy.