Jezebel dot com, an online radical misandrist daily whose editors advocate women wear maxi dresses all summer (both to abolish the tyranny of the sundress and because the longer length better obscures the pipe bombs the website wants its readers to smuggle into the U.S. Capitol to hold our government hostage for a few more dollars in salary and the right to not have to pay to not have a baby) (also kale is yummy!), published their definitive list of every type of Bro in America.
And what—praytell—Jezebel, is a Bro? From the author of the piece, Erin Ryan:
A bro is a young, usually unmarried, often immature guy who just does what everyone else his age seems to be doing.
By that definition second-graders are also Bros, but whatevs. Go on.
He’s just figuring life out and trying to enjoy himself in the process (unfortunately, this pursuit of enjoyment combined with a lack of self awareness, can, in the case of some bros, result in asshole behavior), and he’s not secure or confident enough to do it on his own.
Overall, bros just wanna have fun! In a group of 5 or 6 other, similarly dressed bros!
Damn you, accurate stereotypes. But, the article points out, there are different types of bros across America. Indigenous bros, if you will. Who are some of them?
The Mid-Atlantic Bro
Uniform: Boat shoes without socks, pastels. Salmon colored shorts. Sailing motifs.
Intoxicant of choice: Beer, vodka, whatever. Eventually the night will lead to cocaine.
Secret shame: Has poor parents. Actually does not know how to sail.
Celeb brospiration: Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.
The D.C. Bro
Uniform: Vineyard Vines pants, lacrosse jersey, croakies.
Job: Lobbyist, consultant, or something random on The Hill.
Habitat: One of, like, three Georgetown bars where bros go.
Hobbies: Googling self. Name dropping. Attending Georgetown basketball games even though mostly did not go to Georgetown.
Secret shame: Knows job is totally unnecessary, is aware of his own irrelevance. Is horrible at lacrosse.
Celeb brospiration: Paul Ryan
The Manhattan Bro
Uniform: Blue button down shirt, grey or black work pants, nice leather Big Time Job Shoes. Good hair.
Habitat: The office (they’re all investment bankers), or the bar down the street from the office that is filled with other bros who have identical jobs and identical wardrobes, or the biggest table at a popular but expensive steak house in Brooklyn during the after work hours. Bathroom stalls that lend themselves well to the blowing of lines.
Hobbies: Over-identifying with the really over-the-top scenes from Wolf of Wall Street.Stealing cabs. Eventually marrying women named Claire, and then divorcing her for a woman named Madison (who is 23). Yelling.
Secret shame: Feels bad about small penis.
Celeb brospiration: Alec Baldwin punching a guy
[Image via those Craigslist D.C. Bros from back in the day]