1. The Whale Tail
The ole thong slip-aroni. Such an epic moment in every 8th grader’s life. Even to this day, I am obligated to look whenever a girl bends over, just in case there happens to be a thong. It’s become an involuntary reaction at this point. I don’t know what it is about thongs, but I love them. They scream “I put out”. The Whale Tail is a perfect nickname, because looking for thongs is just like whale watching. All different kinds. Different sizes. And no one is gonna be like “Meh, you’ve seen one whale, you’ve seen ‘em all.” Everyone gawks at whales. The same rule applies to these sexy little numbers.
2. The Grape Smuggler
Definitely one of my favorites. It’s written somewhere in an old book that you should never fantasize about a chick until you know what her nipples look like. The braless thin shirt look is a perfect way to complete the mental picture. This look is 10 times better when the chick is doing it on purpose. It’s just like an “I have killer tits and I want you to know” kind of thing. Hard nipple outlines easily bring a chick from a hard 5 to a soft 7. Just takes that much attention away from their mediocre face.
3. Camel Toe
Ahh. The old moose knuckle. One of the oldest, most well known malfunctions in the book. I mean, yeah, camel toe is a great thing to come across while looking at pictures of hot ass sluts on the Internet, but you rarely come across a boner worthy camel toe in real life. You usually find them on old, clueless women. And they’re usually disgusting. Camel toes don’t let you know that a chick puts out or that she does anal. All it tells you is that she dresses like a slob and has a big set of muff lips. I could probably live a happy life without camel toe. Clean that shit up ladies.
[Editor's Note: Ya, ya, ya, I know we suck because we can't show nudity. Go fuck yoursleves.)
4. The Nipple Slip
Nothing makes a beach outting complete like a wave inducing nipple slip. Just chilling, enjoying the sun… cccCCCCRSHHHHH! <-(wave sound) Nipple! And they can happen anywhere, too. The other day I was at the store looking at some jeans, and one of the female employees went to lay down a pair of jeans right next to me, and BOOM. Nipple! Does she have the right to give me a dirty look for tittyfucking her with my eyes? Absolutely not. She’s the one who decided to buy a bra that was a cup size too big and flash her nipple in my face. I’m only a man.
5. VPL’s (Visible Panty Lines)
Another one I think we could all do without. “I have my period, and even if I didn’t, I’m not a big fan of getting laid” is all this says to me. I understand the comfort factor, but guess what? Life isn’t about being comfortable. It’s about presenting yourself in a way that will make guys like me want to have sex with you. You want to be comfortable while you do that? Get some of those lacy-edged panties they got at Victoria Secret. Lay off the Target 3-packs you fucking orc. Again, clean that shit up.
6. The Upskirt
Got to love a nice quality up-skirt. Nice little sneak peak. Almost want to walk up and thank the chick after a solid eyeful. Once you catch an up-skirt, it’s almost impossible not to tell all your bros about it and continue to look until the legs get crossed. One key thing to remember is that up-skirts can go from casual to creepy real quick. If you catch one in passing, drink it in bud. You deserve it. But if you’re following a chick all the way from Pac Sun across the mall in hopes that you might be able to snap a quick pic of some unsuspecting chicks panties, then you might be a total creep-show. Everyone loves a good up-skirt photo on the Internet, just don’t be the guy who puts it there.
7. See-Through Shirt
Yes, yes, and yes. Fucking LOVE this move. I can’t tell if I like it better braless or with the bra. Most guys would say braless because of the whole nipple thing, but I’m not totally sold. I’m a big fan of the see-through with the bra. Leaves more to the imagination. Whatever the chick goes with, you know for a fact she’s doing it on purpose. Chicks look in the mirror at least 15 times before they leave their house. Zero percent chance they do ANYTHING “by accident.” Whatever, though, if they want to claim ignorance, I’ll play ball. Just keep those slightly visible tits flowing into my eyeballs.
8. Excessive Cleavage
Let me just start by saying there’s no such thing as too much cleavage. I’m only adding it because I wanted to finish on an even number, and I don’t mind Google imaging ‘cleavage’. Most women will refer to this as a wardrobe malfunction, mainly because they’re jealous as fuck. In the bro world, we just call this standard operating procedure. Chicks will do anything they can to look hotter than other chicks. This includes wearing a push up bra to show off as much of their tits as legally possible. I don’t hate it one bit. Even if they have little boobs, push those things up to your fucking chin, toots! I’ll probably be way too shitfaced to care about your little pointy boobs by the time we get back to my place.
O.K., so maybe the last two were intentional malfunction, but we're still not complaining.
[Lady with hard nipples image via ShutterStock]