Today is Halloween. I really, really do not like Halloween.
First, you’re faced with the total dickfuckery of the Halloween costume. At the outset, you have the decision to either wear a costume or not wear a costume. If you make the seemingly sensible decision to not participate in the insanity that is costume wearing, you’ll immediately be called out by the girl dressed as "Slutty salt shaker" for trying to act too cool. This simply isn’t true. It’s probably more representative of my lack of anything resembling coolness that I’m unable to put together a socially acceptable, relevant, and funny (THE HOLY GRAIL OF HALLOWEEN) costume.
If you do decide to join the masses and throw together a costume, you’re faced with several no-win situations. You could go for the obvious joke, but then you have to explain to some girl that you and your friend are both sea men and that yes, you’re really mature and you two should totally hook up. You can also go way over the top to try to affirm your sick grasp of pop culture, but then you have this whole chore of trying to explain who you are while yelling about it at a crowded bar. As a general rule, your costume should be understandable without explanation.
Another option is to do something straight up inappropriate as a #hottake on current affairs. Read: Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman BUT THE RACES ARE REVERSED, literally anything to do with blackface, or something that’s supposed to represent the aborted fetus of Obamacare. If you do shit like this I hope two things happen to you: 1) you die and 2) the internet finds out about you and ruins your life.
Honestly, the best costume advice is to just suck it up, go to Party City, buy that shitty pirate costume, and wear it without shame.
Now that you’ve navigated the minefield of costume wearing etiquette, you’re faced with the bullshit of the bar/party scene on Halloween. In my mind, Halloween is the neglected-stepchild-with-Daddy-issues of New Years. For both holidays, the general idea is similar to any other night—go out, get drunk, pray you don’t lose your keys, wallet, cell phone, anal virginity, etc. But NO. There has to be a plan for Halloween. All of a sudden, what should be a causal bar night turned into the shitty mousetrap of, “What bar are we going to? Do we have a plan? I didn’t get invited to that party, but saw the invite on Facebook. Can I go?” Not to mention, you’ll most likely look like an asshole walking around in actual public on your way to the bar.
Even after you’ve figured out your plan for the night, you have a regular bar or party scene, but with these added elements that just plain fucking suck. All sorts of Halloween novelty drinks will be pushed in front of you (seriously, just Google “Halloween novelty drinks.” The results are appropriately horrifying), even though you’d rather not get drunk on “Human Blood” because when you start puking you’ll be genuinely concerned that you’re puking actual blood.
Then there’s the fact that—and I hate to reiterate this but it’s an important point—you’re essentially at a regular party trying to make bad decisions, but now you have to do so while dressed as Bob Ross (actually not a bad costume!) and you keep telling the girl you’re hitting on that you’re going to paint her with your man juice. Hitting on girls in character is hard.
FINALLY, Halloween sucks because, at least most of the time, you have to go to work/class the next day. Sure, you can go out the Friday or Saturday before, but first off, you should dress up an absolute maximum of once per Halloween, and second, you’re obviously going to go out on the actual night.
(On a positive note, post-Halloween walks of shame are the fucking best. There’s nothing like a girl scampering home at 7:30am holding angel wings and her stockings trying to avoid eye contact by any means necessary.)
Find more of Chaps' articles here.