Life
by Andy Green on March 7, 2014

vodka

As clear as the purest stream and as powerful as Thor’s hammer, vodka is a sexy two-headed beast that can show you ecstasy, make you feel true pain or… do something like shit your pants. It is the burning fuel that keeps Russian dashcam’s interesting. Vodka has the ability to summon a girl’s inner-whore like a genie from a bottle. All this, you already knew… here are 10 facts you didn’t know about vodka.

Russians Are Embarrassed To Be Seen Drinking Anything Else

Vodka and Russians are a more classic duo than bacon with more bacon. They go together. You can’t have one without the other. Vodka is so fused with life in Russia that Coca Cola actually had to create a clear colorless form of Coke. Why? A Soviet Union Marshal named Georgy Zhukov was so embarrassed to be seen drinking regular Coke instead of Vodka that he asked Coca-Cola to hook it up! White Coke was born… which really confused cocaine-addicted pop lovers. Cocaine-Addicted Pop Lovers would be an awesome band name.

There’s A Vodka That Is Pretty Much Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’ Blood

We’ve all met those bros that compensate for their micropenises by swinging their “I am the master of spicy food” dicks around. They are the bastards who challenge you to eat peppers that seem to have been forged in the fires of Hades. Well, there’s a vodka that can arm you to the teeth for one of these situations. It’s called 250,000 Scovilles – Naga Chilli Vodka. The Scoville scale let’s us know the heat of a pepper. 250,000 Scovilles is pretty much the pepper equivalent to the surface of the sun. The Naga chili pepper is the hottest chili on the planet. This vodka is so hot that aside from multitudes of warnings, it also has to be opened with wire cutters. Pour somebody a glass of this and you have cursed their buttholes  to a pain that makes being digested in The Sarlaac pit from ‘Star Wars’ seem like a massage.

Master Bro Bill Murray Will Drink It Out of A Coffee Cup

Bill Murray is a guy that has earned so much respect, that if you were to say an ill word about him in my presence I’d reserve a space for you in my twisted torture basement. The guy is a straight up BOSS. So, if Bill Murray wants to show up to your party and drink vodka out of a coffee cup and help you with the dishes you let him. This happened in Scotland… with a bunch of Scandinavian college students. Which makes it EVEN more hilarious on account of those wacky accents everyone has!

Vodka Is Most Likely Responsible for ‘Gangnam Style’

I didn’t say anywhere that all these facts were gonna be about the positive side of Vodka. Nope, I’m a respected writer. I’ve crafted more hilariously viral “I’m a Fat Guy” list articles than most people would ever imagine. I’m legit. So, to make sure I’m giving you the COMPLETE story on vodka… I have to show it’s gritty dark side. And it doesn’t get any darker than the plague we endured known as “Gangnam Style.” The guy responsible for this awful event in human history is Korean pop sensation, Psy. Apparently, ole Psy has a serious drinking problem. He says he literally drinks all the time. He says vodka is his best friend. This means that vodka is partly responsible for that piece of shit song. Not cool, vodka… NOT COOL!

American Vodkas Are Screwing With Society’s Head

So, here’s a fun fact. Most American vodkas go through the exact same process and there is little to no difference between the brands. Unique marketing is the key to getting a vodka off the ground. So, if you ever overhear someone at a bar talking about how their vodka brand is superior… slap them in the face, call them out for their bullshit and hear the lamentation of their women.

Did We Mention Russians Like Vodka?

So apparently, people in Russia really like vodka. No, they really, really like vodka. In fact, the Russian government had to make sure the price on vodka didn’t go too low. The price of vodka in Russia must be at least $5.56 for a half liter. If it were to fall any lower… there is no telling just how weird, freaky and insane that country would get. I imagine it would be like having thousands of Dolph Lundgrens running around in the streets trying to scam insurance companies. There would be tons of deaths from drunk kids trying to parkour off of unfinished skyscrapers. It would get pretty nutty.

Vodka Makes Pies Better

As a fat man, my affinity for pies is pretty obscene. When I step into the octagon with a pie, be it apple, strawberry or even pecan… by the end of it.. the pie knows whose boss. Any product that can add to the already insane tastiness of pies is something I will forever embrace. Vodka is one of these products. Not only does it help you take a lady’s tank top off about 80% faster… it also can give pies a crispier crust! God bless you world vodka producers, you’re truly doing the Lord’s work.

Vodka Bears Were A Problem In The Ukraine

It seems like life in the Ukraine is pretty awful. Sure there are the current events surrounding the country and possibly plunging us into another cold war. But things actually used to be worse in the Ukraine. In fact, they used to suffer with a problem of alcoholic vodka bears drunkenly terrorizing Ukrainians. It’s hard enough to reason with a sober bear, let alone one that has a problem with the sauce.

Did You Hear This Thing About How Russians Like Vodka?

Russia is a country that over the years has adapted to devastating economic trends. They figured out a way to keep schools going during these rough patches though. Vodka. In times of Russian economic disparity, teachers can actually be compensated with vodka. Oh, Russia… you love your vodka!!

It Turns Out Russians Have a Thing For Vodka

After hours of research and study. I have come to the conclusion that Russians really enjoy drinking vodka. It’s surprising that the country has had such an impact on the world being wasted all the time like that. After the Germans were defeated in WWII, people in Moscow decided to throw down the party gauntlet. Things got BUCK-WILD! Lots of little Dolph Lundgrens must’ve been conceived that night because the city drank literally ALL of their vodka. They actually ran out of vodka. I wonder how many people pissed themselves? Now, THAT’S a fact I’d like to read about!

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