Life
by Andy Green on February 25, 2014

whiskeychick

Whiskey. Some call it the nectar of life. Some subscribe to it in lieu of a Religion or a day time job. No matter your relationship with whiskey… we all bow down to respect it’s might. It has been around for centuries and in that time it has fueled quite a few wild nights for all who come in contact with it. It can be your best friend or your most vicious foe. Whiskey, like a woman can bring you immense joy or intense pain… like falling off a mechanical bull with an unnamed patron’s bra in your hand. These are all things you knew about mankind’s dear friend whiskey… here are 10 things you didn’t.

Mountain Dew Was Originally Meant to Be a Whiskey Chaser

Mountain Dew was birthed into our reality by a couple of guys with names that make them sound like they are cartoons. Barney and Ally Hartman were just a couple of bros looking to get their whiskey on. They couldn’t find the proper chaser that made whiskey yummy in their tummy, so they took it upon themselves to invent one. In 1940, Mountain Dew hit the market. Ironically, the original Mountain Dew slogan is the same slogan I use for my dong when in the midst of a whiskey binge… “Yahoo Mountain Dew, It’ll tickle your innards.” Seriously, that was the slogan.

Whiskey Makes Tabasco Sauce Possible

The true diet of a bro is founded on 4 very basic items. Whiskey, hot sauce, red meat and bacon. Without whiskey, two items of these food groups wouldn’t be possible. You need whiskey to have whiskey and you need whiskey to have Tabasco sauce. Tabasco sauce is actually aged in barrels that previously contained Jack Daniels whiskey. It gives the sauce an extra kick, which explains why it stings so bad when I masturbate on chili night.

George Washington Was Bout Some Whiskey

George Washington is pretty much the ultimate badass. Despite having a seriously fucked up set of choppers, he managed to lead men to defeat the British and nobody laughed hysterically at that sad excuse for a mouth he had. If helping to found the best friggin’ country of all time wasn’t enough… he also had skin in the whiskey game. A LOT OF SKIN! Ole’ George opened a whiskey distillary and by 1799 he was THE LARGEST producer of whiskey in the country. Between that and his interest in cannabis, you know Georgey liked to get his party on.

Johnny Depp REALLY Likes Whiskey

It’s not really a surprise that the guy who played Hunter S. Thompson/Raoul Duke in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” likes to throw a few drinks back. It’s not a surprise that Johnny Depp has a really weird funeral plan. It is quite a weird surprise to know that at Mr. Depp’s funeral he would like to have his ashes thrown into some whiskey and consumed by the funeral attendees. I, on the other hand, would like my cremated remains to be fused into fabric to make sexy panties.

A Barrel of Whiskey Isn’t Cheap

If you have come to a point in your life where there is nothing left to do but buy a barrel of whiskey and embark on a wild 3 to 5 month adventure, you can–but it’ll cost ya. Jack Daniels offers the opportunity to buy a barrel of whiskey from them. You get to hand pick it AND it’s only $10,000. Sure $10,000 sounds like a lot of money, but you get to tell people things like “No, I’m gonna just stay in and continue drinking MY BARREL OF WHISKEY! BOOOOOOOM!

The Co-Founder of AA Wanted One Thing on His Deathbed 

Death is a funny thing. It comes for all of us and brings out our truest human form. While on his deathbed, Bill Wilson one of the co-founders of the Alcoholics Anonymous program demanded one thing. Whiskey. And when he didn’t get it… he got super pissed. Who can blame the guy?! When I’m on my deathbed and I ask my friends and family for donuts and heroin… I had better goddamn get it.

Back In The Day, Whiskey Was Good For What Ailed Ya

Medicine has come along way. Seriously, back in the day when you were sick you had to go down to a pharmacy and get your medicine. And by medicine I mean medicinal whiskey. Nowadays, things are way different. We don’t need medicinal whiskey! WE HAVE POT DISPENSARIES! Poor simple, stupid old timey people!

Whiskey Can Save Lives

Yes, it’s true… drinking lots of whiskey can put you in life threatening situations by giving you the fearlessness necessary to say… jump in a polar bear zoo exhibit to fight it for giving you the stink eye. We must always remember, however–that whiskey has saved lives. Legendary actor of the silver screen, Humphrey Bogart knew that first hand. While filming a movie entitled “The African Queen” in the Congo, the entire crew became extremely sick with dysentery from drinking the water. Mr. Bogart didn’t have a single problem with that, though… since he drank whiskey the entire time he was there!

Got A Diabetic Friend With A Full Bladder? Then You’ve Got WHISKEY!

From the dawn of time, science has answered all the questions that perplex our meager little human brains. Along the way, science has also taught us some things that we probably were better off NOT knowing. For example, knowing that a diabetic person’s urine can be turned into whiskey doesn’t help anyone… but it’s a scientific fact!

Whiskey Teaches Us Important Lessons

There are so many multitudes of lessons we can learn from whiskey. You learn that the fire probably doesn’t need to be anymore awesome. You learn that blurred vision can make ANY woman beautiful. And thanks to Jack Daniels Whiskey, businesses everywhere now know that you shouldn’t send out branding irons as a promotion. Turns out people will use them. As part of a promotion, actual branding irons were distributed in Australia, and would ya believe it… there were some dudes that suffered incredibly severe burns and required hospitalization. Lesson learned.

Check out Andy Green every Monday on 101 WRIF’s Dave and Chuck The Freak!

Follow Andy on Twitter