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If Facebook Status Updates Were Honest

By / 06.02.14

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Facebook: A place where people from all different walks of life can interact online. However, even with so many different people posting on Facebook every single day, there is a pattern of particular status updates and posts that frequently appear. The only problem is that they’re not all totally honest.

I decided to break them down into a list showing what people are actually posting, and what they’re honestly saying.

The post: From a couple who has been dating for a long time: “We just bought a puppy!”

What it really means: “We just got a living engagement ring!”

 

The post: A picture of some food someone just made themselves

What it really means: I’m an adult, and I’m also quite uninteresting. Making my own meal is the most interesting thing I’ve done in the past few days.

 

The post: “Happy Birthday!”

What it really means: This single post from me on your Facebook wall is the only form of communication we will have this year.

 

The post: A picture or post that involves claims of working out.

What it really means: From most girls: “This is the first time I’ve worked out in months so you’re definitely going to be hearing about it, and I’ll be doing it in my cutest workout gear!” From most dudes: “I just work out a lot. This is where I spend a lot of time. I will steal your girlfriend from you if I have the chance.”

 

The post: “Broke my phone and need some numbers!”

What it really means: I got so incredibly drunk that I broke this $600 device I carry around in my pocket. Also, it saddens me that only four people will text me their numbers after reading this post.

 

The post: A very one sided political statement or argument: “This economy blows. Thanks Obama.”

What it really means: I don’t have a clue how government really works, but I am slightly racist and this seemed like an easy and safe way to throw that out there.

 

The post: A picture of a parent’s kid doing something.

What it really means: I’m still a parent, and I’m constantly taking care of this tiny version of me. It consumes my entire life. Don’t forget!

 

The post: A selfie in a mirror

What it really means: Look everyone! It’s me in another bathroom! I have self-esteem issues!

 

The post: A selfie on vacation: “Caught a gorgeous sunset!”

What it really means: My life is better than yours right now!

 

The post: A very generic sports post: “Go Heat!”

What it really means: I don’t fully understand that everyone will have to read this generic statement every time I post about a recent game, and that most of the time no one will really care.

 

The post: Photo of car dashboard showing the temperature

What it really means: This is how hot or cold it is where I am. Huh. I guess that’s pretty much it.

 

The post: From girls to other girls: “We need to hang out soon!”

What it really means: This is my way of saying I tried to hang out with you, but I don’t really care that much if we don’t hang out.

 

The post: A motivational quote: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

What it really means: This means nothing. This offers no practical advice to anyone whatsoever. I think I’m helping people, but the reality is that anyone who is going to Facebook for motivational advice has already done everything wrong.

 

The post: A photo of an engagement ring on a finger with the caption: “I said yes!”

What it really means: I just got engaged. Be prepared for months upon months of planning updates, scenic engagement photos, and oddly specific countdowns such as “157 days till the big day!”

So there are some popular Facebook posts you’ll see, and the honesty behind the posts. Thanks for reading! We should totally hang out soon… Honestly.

Toby Davis is a comedian originally from the plains of South Dakota and has been alive ever since birth. Follow him on Twitter here, or like his Facebook page

[1000 Words / Shutterstock.com]


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