Undoubtedly, Facebook is a social phenomenon, but we’ve reached the point where it has become a little oversaturated in our lives, especially with every user feeling the need to update my life with their mundane status every 5 minutes. Frankly, I think our lives are a little oversaturated already between Drake’s music and shitty Adam Sandler movies, so without further ado the top 3 Facebook statuses we’ve had enough of:
1. “Happy birthday to the best mom in the world! I know everyone says that but my mom is truly the best mother on the entire planet!!”
Ok, I’m sure your mother is a wonderful woman. She changed your disgusting diapers, watched you run around like an idiot at soccer practice, and went above and beyond to make sure you didn’t starve until the age of 18. I’m glad that you think your mom is great and guess what….so does Hallmark, who has made the same cookie cutter bullshit birthday cards with a funny cartoon of Garfield on the front for the last 50 years. A cat that talks and loves lasagna is entertaining….a girl who copies the same birthday post as everyone else however, is not. If you want your amazing writing skills published, why not get a job with them, rather than get cheap “likes” by posting on Facebook? Oh… because you were a communications major who has hopes of doing Fashion PR in NYC. And to say you have “the best mom on earth,” is just ignorant. Have you seen the Disney Channel Original Movie, Smart House? I’m pretty sure the character of Pat in that movie was the best mother on earth. I think its great you love your mom more than anything, but then put in some work and write something creative. For example: “Mom, there isn’t a woman on earth I love more. You make me feel even higher than when I did shrooms at Coachella. And your botox looks great, so I’m sure dad isn’t disgusted to still have sex with you. Happy birthday to my amazing mother.” Even Mr. Deeds couldn’t write one that good. Your welcome.
2. “1 down, _ to go!” (When talking about finals)
Wait you just finished two finals, but you have two more on Wednesday and Thursday?!?! Let me go mark my calendar and go put a cake in the oven to congratulate you upon leaving your last test before your semester is over. If I go on Facebook to procrastinate when studying for MY OWN finals, it’s to view good looking people or post a funny video of two cats wrestling on my friends wall. Do you realize how selfish you’re being? Just do what any respectable person would do and Snapchat a picture of yourself wearing glasses with the caption “Help me!” I give the Mayans more credibility with giving me a calendar to care about than your final schedule. I’m genuinely glad that you are efficient enough to know when your own exam schedule is, but let me ask, has the 20mg of Adderall also turned you into Anderson Cooper? It hasn’t, because last time I checked he covered important world problems on CNN, not the exact moment in which you are going to be done with your accounting class. I shouldn’t have to be faced with the liability of reading your nonsense, so at least credit me the asset of a facebook free of bullshit statuses. (See what I did there, accounting nerds.)
3. “Say my name at the door for free cover!”
Ok Houdini, what type of magic are you pulling? You mean ALL I have to do is remember your name at the door of the club and I don’t have to pay?!?! Wow, you’re really an angel. So should I just say your name…or the name Douche or Toolbag at the door? I get it, your making money promoting the club, but I don’t know that I can contribute any more to the “I need to buy another button-down shirt, and unbutton the top four buttons, fund.” Listen, I have nothing against promoters, I just think the ones who update there status about “saying their name” is a little played out. I’m pretty sure Destiny’s Child wasn’t singing about getting there “friends” into a bar and hooking them up with bottle service in there smash hit “Say My Name.” FYI, we all get notifications when you update the status of a Facebook event, so keep the “free cover” statuses on there and the chest hair in the shirt when you go out.