Life
by Jared Freid on April 11, 2013

Engagement Album
AKA: “WE’RE ENGAGED!!!!!” “Humble Beginnings Studios” “Sorry Bitches He’s Taken!” “My Finger Is So Heavy” “Me And My Best Friend” “Hey Bridal Party! Get Ready To Hate Me!”

 

Reason For The Ranking:
This album has a hilarious lack of awareness. These photos are the Facebook equivalent of watching a thirteen-year-old try sing a song to his girlfriend on YouTube. Between the prom poses, the eskimo kisses, and the jumping at the same time on the beach, this album was made for random jabs at your buddy for the rest of his life.

Then there’s the girl: the alone shots with the sexy faces telling single guys that she’s taken but “still likes to grind on the d-floor,” the ring next to a quarter to give the other girls perspective on how “wow” her moment totally was, the picture of her blurred out fiance to highlight her next year of being in the spotlight (and his next year of resentment). It’s enough material for her girlfriends to talk behind her back for the rest of her life.

In reality, these photos are a juiced up version of a relationship that doesn’t exist. If the photographer really wanted to “capture” the couple, he would need to take a photo of the guy casually lying about the type of pornography he watches, or the girl quietly festering a fear that he’ll turn out just like his father. But, no, they’re holding hands in front of some bombed-out warehouse with graffiti on it because that’s “artsy.”

These albums make you happy that 50% of marriages end in divorce and 100% of pictures on the internet never go away. Until I get conned into it.

Profile Picture Album
AKA: “The Highlight Real” “Flip Book” “Look How Much Fun I Am” “Me And My Two Friends So You Have No Idea Which One I Am When My Friend Tries To Set Us Up On A Date”

Reason For The Ranking:
This whole album is a lie. It’s everyone’s best pictures. The only fun part about this album, and why there’s “Whack Potential” (“Whack Potential” was my nickname for Hayden Panettiere after seeing her in ‘Rember The Titans’), is that some people forget to delete the old ones. So it turns into this flipbook where if you click fast enough you can see them get fat like one of those montages showing how the stadium got turned into the concert. They’re the same thing but with the opposite amount of hard work.

Travel Album
AKA: “Life’s A Beach” “Life's An Ocean” “Life’s Making Sure Everyone Sees My Vacation”

Reason For The Ranking:
This is the one exciting thing this person has done all year. They are not taking photos of their gray cubicle wall the other 360 days of their miserable existence; this is it – this is their time to shine. This is the only aspect of their lives they actually want other people to see. How are they going to handle the pressure? With a photo of rocks arranged in the form of a heart in the sand? Or maybe a close-up of a Corona with beads of condensation while an ocean lurks in the background? Maybe they post a hot bikini shot, or if they’re the more “continental” type they’ll give you a glimpse from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Basically, this is the photo album that needs to convince everyone you don’t go home every night, turn on reruns of “The Big Bang Theory,” and stick an unloaded pistol in your mouth just to feel the cold steel on your teeth. Your life is exciting and interesting. Just check out that Travel Album – you’re a real adventurer.

That’s fine, post this album; I love it. I just hope you came to play, because I’m judging. Especially that bikini shot.

Instagram Album
AKA: “Accounting is Just My Day Job” “Event Planning Is Better Under This Filter” “I Work In PR” “Insert Profound Line From A Kelly Clarkson Song”

Reason For The Ranking:
Seventy to eighty percent of this album is photos of food or cocktails, which I hear is how Diane Arbus got her start – by taking photos of her martini and calling it “Sunday Funday.” Honestly though, I enjoy these photos. The addition of filters (and thus a kind of faux-artistry) makes people think a little harder about what they’re going to shoot. This won’t just be a photo of a group of girls giving peace signs while wearing sunglasses that say LAVO across the lenses. This will be more. This will be a group of WOMEN expressing their love of FRIENDSHIP and WORLD PEACE while looking through a shade of DARKNESS that tells us that their twenties are harder than everyone keeps telling them. A filter can really do so much. 

Halloween Album
AKA:  “Halloweenie” “Insert Anchorman Quote Here” “Insert A Reference To Your Costume And How Whorish It Looks” “Whack-Town” “Masturbation Hat-Trick” “Insert Derogatory Mexican Term Used In A Fun Way” “The Nights We’ll Never Remember With The Friends We’ll Never Forget” “OMG That Chick I Hooked Up With Has To Have Gotten A Herpe From Sitting On A Park Bench On Halloween”

Reason For The Ranking:
Whoa, mama. November 1st is no longer “All Saints Day.” It is now officially a Facebook holiday. God should move his crappy holiday in favor of the one Mark Zuckerberg has allowed. Maybe Zuckerberg IS God. Every time you meet a girl in college or post college you wonder, “What does she look like naked?” “What does she look like as a sexy (blank), or a slutty (blank), or a whorish (blank)?” and “What’s it like to have anal with a cat?” These are the ultimate questions on every guy’s mind and this album gets us a step closer to those answers from the comfort of our own couch. I don’t even know how guys lived before this album existed. Did girls show their Halloween photo album to a guy as he turned page after page while beads of sweat streamed down his forehead? Did the guy just exclaim that he’s feeling sick and then run to the bathroom with the leather bound album under his armpit hoping nobody would notice? Or are we just bigger animals now because we have the access? I hate 1999 and thank God everyday that I never have to worry about such masturbational issues. I love Facebook, just don’t use it to say you love your brother.

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more REAL Facebook album titles. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here

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