Catholics are back! With this funky-fresh, feel good Pope, and his “in this century” attitude towards the job (and Catholicism in general), the Christians finally have something to smile about.
Everyone is sipping the sacramental wine except those Catholics possessed by the Devil. Oddly, there are a ton of them — so many that the church is calling for back-up — so says The Telegraph.
“Dioceses across Italy, as well as in countries such as Spain, are increasing the number of priests schooled in administering the rite of exorcism, fabled to rid people of possession by the Devil. The rise in demonic cases is a result of more people dabbling in practices such as black magic, paganism, Satanic rites and Ouija boards, often exploring the dark arts with the help of information readily found on the internet, the Church said.”
In other words, everybody is acting like it’s a seventh grade basement party. Screwing around on Ouija boards and yelling Bloody Mary into bathroom mirrors. Whatever happened to just drinking peach schnapps and touching some young booby?!?
Esquire magazine tracked down a real-life exorcist. He’s retired now so he was able to be forthcoming about his old job pulling demons out of people. Like this little nugget about his first day on the job.
“As I continued saying the prayers and commanding this demon to leave him, the gentleman’s screams and pains bothered me the most. He had a completely different voice, a deeper voice that was along the lines of a growl. When he was screaming out in pain through the rite of exorcism, he grabbed at the base of his head and his upper abdominal area. That caused me to not want to perform another human exorcism for several years. I ended up passing off that first case. Luckily and thankfully, the next exorcist was able to help the gentleman after several treatments.”
It’s a fascinating read and I look forward to the first celebrity to blame a public meltdown on demon possession.