It was a great idea last night, I had so much fun singing along to ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ in between ordering vodka sods as I held myself up with a bar stool. The fact we both think Sublime is “chill as fuck” and “they should just fucking legalize already” is what made us star-crossed lovers. We have so much in common: fate brought us to this bar; love brought us home together, because YOLO.
No decision founded on YOLO ends well long term, but it’s all about the moment, right? It’s the justification you use when you have no logical reason and that is the double edged sword -- the catch 22 -- the late night McDonald's fries, if you will. A decision you will go to extreme lengths for, because you need those fries at 2 AM, even if the nearest McDonald's is across town. In the morning you'll realize no one ever needs McDonald's fries and they are not something that make you feel good about yourself, rather they are something you regret and try to hide from your friends; "I have no idea where that red carton came from." No person in a position where he/she can make an informed decision is using this term; a pilot of an airplane isn’t saying, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies, YOLO.” I’d want the fuck off the plane. I’m pretty sure the only thing Director of the CIA Petraeus justified his affairs with was YOLO... or as he now calls it, the career ender.
But it’s all about the moment and being young, wild, and free. We’ve all been there: The road to hell is paved with good intentions and the road to shame is paved with shots.
Now... Flash forward to the morning scene.
You pretend to be asleep while this Bro takes his time waking up. If you’re lucky you passed out on the outside so you can freshen up: “I know, it’s so weird, I just wake up looking this good, my cheeks are naturally rosy, and my lashes are so long.” You’re in full fucking panic mode. Did we use a condom last night? You give the Bro a once-over to see if he might have AIDS, because that would be the worst. You conclude, no, although you remember he studied abroad. Based upon his love for house music it was probs Barcelona - is there a ton of AIDS there? Fuck. Then almost more terrifying than the thought of AIDS, you’re on an express train... next stop AMST (AM Small Talk, mostly sober) with this Bro until he figures out an excuse to leave your place.
You realize the majority of your convo was about how epic dubstep is, and that can’t be a sober thought... right? Oh fuck. You just spotted an American Apparel Deep V on the floor that isn’t yours, and shit, it’s May and he’s wearing a Coachella wristband. Dubstep is this Bro's life. Now you are wondering how did it get to this? Oh right... YOLO. Are we going to do that awkward get to know you thing where we start talking but then we both realize we covered that ground last night?
AMST: “Where did you do to school?” Immediate flashback to hearing the response as you down a shot. Oh, right, some Big Ten school that's just like all the other Big Ten schools. That’s where it started. We had no chasers, so we used each other’s faces. Like I said, star-crossed lovers. These questions mattered before I gave it up quicker than Amanda Bynes gave up on life.
This is awkward for both of us. For me because although I was as sure of a thing as Vivian (Julia Roberts) when she gets into Richard Gere’s Lotus in Pretty Woman. we broke the laws of Pretty Woman when we kissed (RE: bar make out scene) and I’m into it. But more so because I’m regretful and have anxiety and need someone to brunch with. This is where you, Bro, form an excuse to GTFO (get the fuck out).
Here are some of my favs:
“I have volunteer work today.”
Yes the way you were talking about how your frat crushed the philanthropy senior year last night really made me think “This guy must spend his Sundays doing community outreach.”
“I have a family thing.”
So you need to call your mom or dad? Oh I don’t mind if you do that here - tell them I said hi.... because last night you told me your family lives in Minnesota, we’re in New York... Weird...oh are they in town? Can I meet them?
“I have a brunch to get to."
So should I change, what kind of place is it? Dressy, casual? Oh I’m not invited, it’s like a guy’s brunch....ok.
“I have an appointment.”
It’s Sunday, do you know of a dentist open on Sunday? OMG, that’d be a lifesaver!
“Gotta get to Church.”
You were against using a condom last night, so I understand you’re super Catholic and relig....wait but isn’t your last name Goldstein?
“Yo, got stuff to do.”
You have an iPhone5, which is the same phone Jay-Z has so you must be important.
The thing is, I gotta get to CVS before they run out of Plan B, it’s over the counter now and 15 year olds can get it which means two things: (1. This could be in the final season for Teen Mom and (2. CVS will have more customers. And a third thought: where are 15 years olds getting 50 bucks to sling on Plan B? That’d be an awkward conversation with daddy.
Anyways, GTFO, Bro. I gotta get to that brunch so my girls can tell me to play hard to get and not text you, which I’m not sure what is hard to get anymore since you Pretty Woman-ed me....YOLO does not lead to hard to get. I’ll wash down that Plan B with a mimosa, followed by seven more which I will ask the waiter to pour with just champagne, cut the juice, ditch the cals and cover up my regret by getting drunk enough to text you....