2. Seeing The Family You Wish You Never Had
I enjoy my family. Mostly. But everyone's got that one relative that makes your skin crawl when they walk through the door and whom you avoid at all costs throughout the night. For me, it's someone we'll call “McFatass”. If the New York Times were to review her as a movie it'd be along the lines of “Bloated running time, overall unintelligible, this film has no reason to exist”. Every year she shows up to dinner in a dress 3 sizes too small and talks about her weight, and by “talk about her weight” I mean “spend 30+ minutes making up random excuses as to why she's fat”. My favorite throughout the years have been along the lines of:
“My asthma meds made me gain weight, it's sooooo annoying” Cheeseburgers are not a form of asthma medication.
“I've started exercising, you know, like moving around the house more” Going from the couch to the front door to pay the pizza delivery guy is not exercise.
“I barely eat ANYTHING and I'm not losing weight! I think it's my genetics” Yes, because the dictionary defines “barely anything” as the half loaf of garlic bread you started dipping into crab dip just now.
She's not a mean girl by any stretch of the imagination, it's just infuriating to sit there and be told “You're skinny because you're lucky” and “Salad counts as negative calories because of all the vegetables, that's why I'm eating a lot of it before dinner”. Bitch, ranch is not a vegetable, there's more of that in your bowl than there is lettuce.
Every time New Years rolls around my friends get excited and they're like “OMG guys let's go CLUBBINGGGGG whooooo TWERK TWERK TWERKKKK” and I'm like “No.” I'm completely convinced that people only go to clubs because they think that other people like going to clubs, when in reality no one does and it's just one huge conspiracy. Do you like music so loud you can't hear anyone around you? Do you enjoy getting really sweaty while wearing nice clothes? Does the thought of people you don't know bumping into you for 3 hours straight get you pumped? Is there so much money in your wallet that you feel the need to blow $10 per jack and coke? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, get your ass out to a club with your v-neck shirt and spiked up hair and start actin' a tool. Not only does all that shit clearly suck, but New Years is the one time of the year that clubs are filled with people who don't belong there. For example, people over the age of 30. If you have a child, you should not be in a club. If you think that flip flops are acceptable attire along with denim shorts, don't go. If you walk through the door and the first thing you decide to do is take a selfie…you can stay. But you have to immediately kill yourself when you leave, because if you happened to get knocked up then the world would immediately implode.
4. New Year's Kisses
Getting your New Year's kiss is honestly one of the dumbest things people use to value self-worth aside from clothing brands. Every year I get “OoOoh em geeeee I've never had a New Year's kisssss wahhhh my self worth is completely empty because being kissed during that 1 second on that 1 day is more important than everything else in my lifeeee.” It's that, and then I get to hear someone ELSE be like “I am LARGE and IN CHARGE and I'M gon' find SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW to KISS MEHH” (okay okay, we all know “someone” = McFatass).
Who the fuck cares?
Can you put your New Year's kiss on your resume? Will it win you the lottery? Is it going to fill your empty and vapid life with the happiness that drunkenly kissing a random stranger you just met can only bring you? No? No to all of that? …But you still think it's important and will bitch about it for weeks afterward if you don't get one? Hm. Well, in that case I hope the rando you find to swap spit with has herpes. Happy New Years!
5. The Gym Becomes The Worst Place On Earth
The only truly accurate way I can describe the gym is as follows:
NONE OF YOU BELONG HERE. I don't care if your resolution is to drop 40 pounds, there's a 99% chance I won't see you rolling around on the treadmill after two weeks. That's just pointless. If your options are to work out for the first month of the New Year and then quit, then it's fine. You can stay. If it's to “Be a healthier, happier me that I achieve through exercise and eating right and getting that slammin' bikini body I always wanted!” then get the fuck out. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a weight loss resolution, but it annoys the tits off of me when I have to wait in line for the rowing machine when the Jell-O cup in front is just pushing himself back and forth like it's some sort of rapid leg press. THERE ARE DIRECTIONS ON THE MACHINE. If you don't know how to read them then your time is better spent going back to high school rather than rolling the medicine balls back and forth on the floor like a fat Tommy Pickles. The first day of every year there needs to be a public service announcement along the lines of “Going to the gym and sitting in the sauna does not equate to doing exercise, neither does sitting on the stretching mats for 45 minutes or spending an hour at the juice bar drinking smoothies.”
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