Life
by Nathan Stoppelmann on June 27, 2014

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Over the last few years a recent European phenomenon has crept in to the underpinnings of social life in the United States.  The Beer Garden. Although the beer garden is not strictly confined to the summer season agenda, the rise in temperature does directly correlate to the higher chances of you receiving one of the following texts on a Saturday morning:

“Yoooo, if we are going to be chillin in the city this wknd, lets at least do something outside.  Standard Beer Garden.  Schnitzels = the shit.”

“You’ve never been to Houston Hall??? We def gotta go there for USA/Portugal.  Don’t worry, you can rip shots too.”

“Friend from work told me about this sick beer grdn in Bk. Man up. (insert emoji)”

The atmosphere is more relaxed than a club and it tends to be less claustrophobic than a crowded bar. Although they have actually been in the states for some time, here are some basic guidelines for beer garden decorum that you and your bros should follow:

1. If it’s outdoors (beer gardens are outside, beer halls are inside) and a nice day out, it’s going to be packed. Guaranteed. Don’t be the asshole that says something like “I remember when this place first opened. Nobody knew about it so it was never this crowded.” Nobody wants to hear you humble brag that you’re “in the know” when it comes to cool new places. Also, this place opened up 18 months ago. You speak as if we are drinking at the pantheon.

2. If you’re going to be sitting at a one of the long wooden tables, you best have a drink in front of you or a huge ass pretzel.

3. If your friend forced you to tag along, don’t take up valuable table space looking miserable when someone could be scarfing down a delicious faux German meal.

4. Order the huge ass pretzel. It’s always worth it.

5. It’s totally acceptable to drop Augustus Gloop, the Pride of Dusselheim, lines throughout the entire time spent in ein beergarten.

6. “This one time Munich…”  We get it, you studied abroad and visited Bavaria for Oktoberfest. You’ve been talking about it since we got here. Shut up.

7. It’s perfectly ok to lament about the fact that Broken Lizard didn’t do the Potfest sequel to Beerfest. You will find many people share in your disappointment.

8. The Stein. Many beer gardens will serve five gallon jugs called steins. I generally avoid them since the extra dollars you save with this volume purchase are usually mitigated by the fact that the beer is warm by the time you get to the bottom. If you’re going to order one, there is no need to constantly remind everyone you are drinking one. We can all see the huge ass beer in your face.

Pic via Bohemian Beer Hall and Garden in Astoria, NYC.

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Nathan Stoppelmann

About Nathan Stoppelmann...

That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. Read his life rants here: diesblogellum.blogspot.com