A Eulogy to Women Dying Everywhere on Social Media

Our young women are dying.

 

Ashley wanted to start a non-profit. Catherine dreamed of being a PR exec. Keeley, a doctor. Unfortunately, the Internet isn’t into seeing bright young women reach their potential, and its giggly pleasures are causing a rash of the cutest “I die” suicides in human history. Women can’t stop dying.

No Pinterest victim should go without a heartfelt remembrance, so I’m delivering a eulogy today to “Sarah” (who in this particular case represents all of the young women who say “I die” on the internet). This eulogy is for the families and friends of the deceased, especially the parents without social media who don’t even know their child is gone yet. We’ll miss you Sarah. I hope there’s Instagram in heaven.

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 Sarah didn’t like me much the first time we met. I was at a bus stop jamming to old-school Avicii. The laugh of an angel startled me through my blue JVC $9.99’s and I imagined this angel maybe thought my awkward “Levels” hip tingle was cute. Little did I know, Sarah had just double-tapped one of Jimmy Fallon’s Instagram photos. didn’t see me, we collided and her gold iPhone 5S shattered on the concrete dance floor at my feet. He’s so talented, how could I blame her? She was FURIOUS. The kind of mad hipster bikers get when a car cuts them off.

Even then I loved her passion. You all know how Sarah was [crowd lightly chuckles]. She held fiercely onto what she loved. Buzzfeed was possibly her greatest love. If a “Which City Fits You Best?” quiz said Sarah’s type-A personality fit best in Barcelona, she took a pic of her paella the next week. She got things done. “Ben Franklin only needed four hours of sleep a night. YOLO,” she’d shrug and say.

Damn you, DIY art, thoughtful BF gifts, Puppy GIFs, ironic FMLs and GNO PCB memories.

Now unfortunately, the only abbreviation we have to remember her by is RIP. #FAOL (F All Our Lives) without Sarah. Luckily, she lived an extremely rich life in her 24 years. I myself have at least 104 weeks’ worth of #TBT-worthy photos to remember her by.

[Sniffles] Phew. Good thing I have Sarah’s favorite homemade Etsy scarf to wipe my tears – this is hard.

I miss Sarah every day. I’m sure you do too. Everything reminds me of her. I miss her asking me to rewind “House of Cards” because she was catching up on her Insta’s during a serious plot twist. I miss her asking the waiter to take a photo of us with the chocolate mouse the size of our heads (Mouse for Mooses was my favorite of her captions). I miss ordering Moscow Mules in the most adorable tiny copper kettle mugs you could imagine.

We are all so blessed to have known her [does hashtag hands].

We’re all grieving right now, but Sarah will be with us forever. How do I know? Last week, I strolled up to the bus stop with my iPhone on shuffle when Avicii flooded into my $9.99 JVC’s again, exactly like it had the first time we met. That familiar tingle started in my hips and I started nonchalantly swaying. I know this time she noticed. She smiled. The “Levels” beat dropped and I nodded and fist pumped like Little Caesar himself offered me free pizza for life, just as a Bernese mountain dog puppy sat down next to me, coming out of nowhere. That’s when I heard it. Just over the rain rushing in the gutter, the distinct sound of a double-tap echoed from high in the clouds like chuckling thunder. I immediately knew what it meant.

I die.