Life
by Doc Dawkins on May 31, 2012

Post Photos That You Never Wanted To See The Light Of Day

Thanks for tagging me in the photo where I’m a toddler and running naked through the sprinkler, Mom. All my friends found it really cute. Almost as cute as the photos you put up from the 1970’s where you’re taking a hit while Dad’s shirtless next to you sporting the hairstyle and mustache that gives even Jerry Sandusky the chills.

 

Talk About Their Sex Lives


By far the most embarrassing on this list. The worst thing in the world is thinking about your parents getting it on. Just the thought makes most want to suffocate themselves in a bag of rabid baboon farts to the point of passing out so they can get the picture out of their head. Now just think how bad is it when a potential 500 million people can think about your parents getting it on. Inhumane.

 

Post, Watch and Comment About Everything

Yes, everyone from 10-year-old girls to college aged bros can be guilty of this, but somehow it seems 1000x worse when it’s your parents. Really, Mom?  ou felt you had to leave a 3 paragraph thesis on your views on why property taxes are too high then five seconds later post a link to a cat playing the piano? Pretty sure your former high school flame you haven’t talked to in 25 years really enjoyed you clogging up his newsfeed with that happy crap.

 

Not Understand the Language Of the Internet


TMI? Too Many Instagrams. BRB? Oh, that’s just Buy Round of Beers. DTF might as well be Driving To Friendly’s to most Moms and Dads. There have been instances where parents have thought that LOL means Lots Of Love.  Seems harmless, right?  Except when it’s written on Facebook as, ‘My condolences, I’m so sorry for your loss. LOL.’  

 

Interact With Your Friends

Most people don’t want to interact with their own parents via Facebook. Most people would also rather give an Indian rub burn to their genitals than have talk to other people’s parents who they barely know via Facebook. Awkward city.  

Keep reading on the next page…

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Think It’s Acceptable To Friend Whoever They Want


This one’s personal.  My Mother is friends with more people I graduated with from High School then I am.  She’s friended kids I grew up who moved away in the 3rd grade and haven’t talked to since.  The woman is poking my ex-girlfiends from high school which by the way should be equivalent to restraining order level stalking in real life.  I’m not Facebook friends with any of them and there’s my mother wishing them Happy Birthday and liking their statuses. The woman’s a menace. She needs to be stopped.

Think What They Post To You Is Private For Some Reason

Mom informing you via status update that your Grandmother has passed away. Dad telling you an inappropriate joke about his mother-in-law just died. Mom asking you on your wall the results of the pregnancy test.  Dad commenting on how much he doesn’t like your girlfriend or her skank tattoos. All of which should probably be done with a phone call.

 

Try To Stick Up For You

Ummm…Mom and/or Dad, pretty sure my best friend doesn’t actually believe that I’m a worthless piece of sh*t that likes to be fingered anally by a two-toed sloth. He’s just trying to be funny. No need to tell him to back off and start defending me by stating about a dozen good qualities that for some reason you think I have but really don’t. And there’s really no need threaten to castrate him if he ever steps foot on your porch again.  

Spy On Your Every Move

“Oh, how was the party last night?”  “You and your girlfriend broke up?  Are you ok?”  “Hope you had a nice dinner at McDonalds!”  We go to college and move away not because we necessarily want to, it’s because we have to.  And we have to because nobody ever wants their parents to know what’s going on in their lives 24/7. Most people don’t remember what they said they were doing on their status update an hour ago let alone a day or a week ago.  Parents know and remember what you’re doing every second of every day on the social network. They care more about what’s going on with your life on the web than living their actual lives, and that my friends, is embarrassing.

 

Brag About Your Every Accomplishment


Only a parent can play up finishing a semester at community college is like graduated with a Ph. D from Harvard. We get it, you’re proud of your kid no matter what and want to show it.  But the fact is, you’re kid isn’t special.  Not even the kid thinks they’re special.  Therefore, there is absolutely no reason at all to tell 1000 strangers how special your unremarkable and ugly kid is. This is only going to get worse as young parents are documenting every aspect of a baby’s life from the exciting and life changing moments of eating and sleeping to sleeping and pooping

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