In a perfect world, we’d all be millionaire raconteurs, but we don’t live in a perfect world, and in this world we all occasionally need to make a quick buck or two or hundred to help pay for our, uh, raconteuring.
Sure, you could just get a decent, stable job, but that comes with things like “responsibility” and “maturity,” and “hard work,” and who needs any of that? This is America, and the American Dream is to make as much money as you can while doing as little actual work as possible. And it’s with that in mind that we bring you these eight ways to make quick money.
Donating Blood
You can make anywhere from $20 to $50 per donation and you can do it a couple of times a week, which adds up. Plus, they give you free juice and cookies when you’re done. All about that hobo life, bro. The drawbacks are all those goddamn needles and the fact that, you know, you’re getting your blood sucked out of you, only it’s not by a cool, sexy lady vampire who will make you immortal, but by a bored old nurse who just wants to stab people. Still, free juice and cookies!
Donating Sperm
Let’s kick it up a notch. For donating your manly essence, you can get paid up to $1,000 a month. Now, that’s a hell of a deal. You get paid to do something you were gonna do for free anyway. So why aren’t all the clinics overflowing with slackers jackin’ it? Well, there’s a rigorous screening process you have to pass in order to be able to donate, and then they pretty much own your dick after that. You can’t jerk it on your own time, you can’t bone down if the opportunity arises, and you’re probably going to end up with a bunch of illegitimate kids. Still, you don’t have to pay child support, and jerkin’ it for cash is pretty much peak American Dream, so roll your sleeves up and get to work.
Monetize Your Skills
For most of you, I recognize I probably just covered this. But if you do have skills that go beyond just masturbating like a hopped-up monkey, why not try to make some money off them? They can be creative skills, like photography or artwork, or *ahem* writing. Or they can be more practical skills, like, I don’t know, woodworking or whatever the hell normal people are good at, and there are people out there just waiting to pay you for them. Sure, it takes a little bit of time to prove yourself and work your way up to the glorious heights of, say, writing for BroBible, but it can be done. And once you’re in you can milk the bastards for as much as you can, and… I’ve said too much.
House/Pet Sitting
I met a dude once who made a fairly comfortable living just watching people’s houses and taking care of their pets while they were out of town. I mean, you could basically be homeless and make this work for you if you can get a decent client base. Not only are you making money just sitting around other people’s houses, you’re saving money by leeching off of them at the same time. The dude who manages to combine this with getting paid for jerking it should probably be our next President.
Collect Cans
This really only works if you live in a state with a deposit law – in some states, you can get 10 cents per can you bring to the recycling center – and while it may seem a little desperate, you can make some real money if you’re willing to annihilate your pride and stroll the beaches and parks of America like a hobo in search of some of that aluminum gold, a giant garbage bag slung over your back and a willingness to dig through trash in your heart. Yes, people will pity and fear you in equal measures, but isn’t that what being an American in the year of our Lord 2015 is all about?
Pawn Shops
This is also pretty much the last bastion of the desperate, but just in case you get turned down at the spank bank because you’re not a 6’2” blonde Nordic Superman, you can always turn to your “friendly” neighborhood pawn shop. Sure, you’ll probably only get a fraction of what your stuff is worth, and you’ll be left, well, stuff-less as a result, but when it comes down to it, you’ve gotta ask yourself, are you really willing to starve to death for that old Dave Matthews CD and that copy of Kangaroo Jack on DVD that you never returned to Netflix back in 2004? Make the right choice, friends.
Medical Studies
Look, this is getting increasingly desperate, but I don’t want to hide the hard truths from you guys. These are the sorts of things you have to think about when shit gets real and you’re on the verge of sleeping in your car. The good news is that medical studies pay pretty well. The bad news is that they pay as well as they do only because they will probably do things to your body previously only seen in Hellraiser. But chances are you’ll be fine, and will only grow a small tail and start ejaculating blood instead of getting Ebola AIDS. I say go for it.
Prostitution
I’m being 100% real here. In this day and age it’s easy as hell to get someone to pay you to rent your orifices for an hour. I know what you’re saying… “Bro, I’m not a hot girl, I’m just an ordinary dude. Who would pay to have sex with me? I can’t even get laid for free.” Well, after apologizing for insulting our entire audience, I’d tell you that yes, bro, there is someone out there for everyone.
Call it modern romance, call it the downfall of Western civilization, but have you checked out Craigslist lately? There are fetishes for everything and for every body type. Too nerdy? That’s okay. Advertise yourself as a Silicon Valley cosplayer. Someone will be into that shit. Fat and hairy? Come on, that’s too easy. Boom, you are now a bear. Congratulations.
Really, it all comes down to what you’re willing to do. Sure, you might have to get pissed on and your friends and family might find out about it, but these are strange and terrible times, and a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Even if that means fucking a giant sized Plushie My Little Pony while some degenerate sits in the corner and watches while he plays with his own little pony. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Wallet image by Shutterstock