This story is about my two roommates, we will call them “Bruiser” and “The Doctor.” A little background info: we go to a small private college and Thursday nights we all go to the bar, as Thursday nights are devoid of parties.
On this particular night we were pretty much blackout by the time we arrived at the bar. The bar is the most packed it has been all semester, so we are liking our odds of finding a few broads. In no time I spot The Doctor talking to a previous hookup, who we will call “Lady Urinal” (that story is for another time though). This chick is a total slut who is pretty much down for anything, your basic slampig.
Closing time rolls around at the bar, I see Lady Urinal and The Doctor leave together. I get back to the suite just as The Doctor finishes up with Lady Urinal. At this point it is me, Lady Urinal and The Doctor hanging out in the living room. We are just playing some Call of Duty and listening to music, while The Doctor slowly passes out sitting up in a chair only wearing boxers.
This is where the story takes a turn.
Bruiser returns home about 25 minutes after The Doctor passed out. Meanwhile, I have a girl coming over and tell Lady Urinal to open the door and let her in. For some reason Bruiser tags along. They ended up going to the wrong door, so I ended up opening the door for her. Then 10 minutes later Bruiser and Lady Urinal return.
The Doctor is still passed out amongst us, and Lady Urinal wants to go home. Being the gentleman and horny bastard Bruiser is, he says he will walk her home. Doctor wakes up 10 minutes after Bruiser leaves to tell me what happened with Lady Urinal. This next part is his words and what he can recall: “We are in my room about to do the deed. She starts blowing me before my pants were completely off. I pull it out of her mouth and put it in her vag. We’re going at it for a while switching up positions, then I decided I wanted put it in her butt and get that three car garage. Keep in mind that I’ve been raw dogging it this whole time. I ask her if I can put it in her ass, she obliges and I put it in there. 10 minutes later I finally nut inside her butt.”
Fast-forward an hour, Bruiser returns home, and goes straight into the shower. While I am in my room I hear him in the shower yelling “It’s your fault, it’s all for you. You’re welcome douchebag,” while punching the shower wall. The reason for the yelling is because The Doctor wanted to be Eskimo Brothers with Bruiser, and Bruiser took the bullet. He thinks that The Doctor had only hooked up with Lady Urinal once several months ago and has yet to learn that The Doctor fucked her again no more than an hour before he did.
I walk in there to ask him what he did, and here is the story I received: “I leave to walk this slut home looking to get my nut and become Eskimo Brothers with The Doctor, killing two birds with one stone. We stopped in a pile of leaves on the walk to her apartment and started hooking up. She stopped right when I was trying to take her clothes off saying she wants to do it in her apartment. We get to her apartment and proceed to hookup. We are fucking for a while and I lose focus and go soft. She then starts blowing me so I can finish the job. I get hard enough to put it back in. I turned her around and raw dogged her doggy style for the win. I put my clothes on and leave only to be completely ashamed of what I just did, and angrily stumbled home to find out that, The Doctor used her as a three car garage.”
The Doctor woke up the next morning un-showered, hungover and thrilled to have a text from Bruiser that read, “Eskimo Brothers. I didn’t want to but you’re welcome.” Meanwhile, Bruiser was depressed, shameful, with a touch of pride and intense love for his brother, and in a hungover slumber until 3pm.
“Three car garage,” I like that. NEXT!
I had a pretty average high school experience. I was captain of the lacrosse team, took a bunch of AP classes and partied with friends in their basements every now and then. But, I had a girlfriend who didn't want to have sex…after two years, we both had finally gotten to our respective colleges and decided to call it quits. Awesome. Now I can get rid of this stupid fucking v-card in my back pocket.
About three weeks into my freshman year, I get a Facebook notification that someone has poked me. Instead of it being one of my friends fucking with me, it's a girl we'll call “Jenny”. I am astonished. Jenny was one of the finest girls in my high school. Tall, dark hair, piercing eyes…one of those girls that is so fine you're half intimidated of her. She was in a different social circle, so we never really talked, but she was in a few of my classes so I had her number. I text her and ask her if she poked me by mistake. The ensuing conversation was full of flirty shit, and she confesses to me she had a huge crush on me all throughout high school. I find that cool and everything, but she goes to school that's ten hours away from me so I don't really expect anything to happen. Little do I know…
I jokingly invite her to come visit me, and about a week later… she makes the ten-hour drive. I can barely believe that one of the hottest girls that I've ever met just drove TEN HOURS to see me. I walk outside my dorm to greet her, take her back to my room. I tell her to change because we are going to a party.
She changes into a red skirt and low cut black top that basically said “we're fucking tonight”. We go to the party, get drunk, go back to my dorm and get busy on my futon. After foreplay that seemed to break a whole 4 years of high school sexual tension, I enter her and she moans in delight. I had had plenty to drink but seeing as it was my first rodeo I didn't last but a dozen or so minutes and pulled out and finished on my futon. I kissed her goodbye the next day and she drove the ten hours back the next day.
Prologue – I eventually started dating the girl, which was stupid in retrospect but it gave me another good story. When she was visiting another time, we were doing the no pants dance on my lofted bed when I felt the urge to puke. I pull out and immediately jump off my bed and crawl to the bathroom and vomit everywhere. I climb back up into my bed, and re-enter like nothing happened and finished like a champ. We broke up a few months later and she hates my guts but I still have the futon to remind me of the story.
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